The Cursed Logbook: Kurt kun In Konoha
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: A weird book, a little multiversal travel, a broken rule, and Haruno Sakura in bed. Get ready to be weirded out.The writer somehow got sent into Sakura's body by a cursed book. Now, he has to drive and she back seat drives. Chp6 up!
1. How the Heck Did I Get Here!

Somewhere in the cosmos...

"That him?" Toltiir asked, pointing to the boy whose image had shown up in Mimir's Well.

"Yup, that's him." Xellos said, styling his purple hair.

"He's really going to try and read The Book." Peorth said, shaking her head at the stupidity of mortals. "After they warned him not to."

"He's curious." Death said. "I hope I don't have to pick him up yet. He's pretty cute."

----------------------------------------

Kurt looked around, checking to see if anyone was looking his way. Satisfied that he was as yet unnoticed, he reached forward and carefully took hold of the members' logbook. Trying to keep watch in all directions, he moved so that there was something between him and anyone who would happen to look.

_So far so good, _he thought, relieved. Then he grinned internally. _I'd make a pretty good ninja._

Getting comfortable, he placed the book in his lap. _Now, _he thought as he opened The Book to a random page, _let's see what all the fuss and secrecy is about._

_Hello app! _it read. _Don't you think we prepared for this eventuality?_

Kurt barely had time to blink and think _Huh? _when he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

A few seconds later, a member picked up The Book, shaking her head. They lost more applicants that way. A pity. The guy was pretty cute. Oh well. Maybe he'll be one of the lucky ones who find his way back.

Shrugging, she went back to report to the mistress overlord princess priestess.

----------------------------------------

The Cursed Log Book 1:

Kurt-kun In Konoha

by Shadow Crystal Mage

1st Incident: How The Heck Did _I _Get Here!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, someone else does (and he or she can keep it for all I care!). Neither do I own Ah! My Goddess, Angel, the Endless, Norse mythology, or Slayers.

----------------------------------------

Sasuke was worried.

Before you all start calling Guinness Book of Records, maybe you should sit down and find out why.

He was worried because a few days ago, one of his teammates had collapsed to the ground, unconscious, in the middle of a sparring session. The were no obvious symptoms or causes. One minute his teammate was fighting with the usual pathetic level of skill, the next, BANG! Out like a light.

He, Kakashi and their other teammate had tried unsuccessfully to wake their teammate up, but to no avail. Finally, they had taken their teammate to the hospital, and Kakashi had had the three of then checked out as well.

The results were puzzling, to say the least.

The good news was that the three of them had a clean bill of health. The flipside was that there was nothing wrong with their teammate either. As healthy as they were, their teammate had simply collapsed. The only thing that could be found was slightly disturbed chakra.

Now, contrary to popular belief, Sasuke was _not_ a heartless, pretty-faced bastard who wanted to kill his own brother. He was just a pretty-faced bastard who wanted to kill his own brother. If he seemed heartless, it was because he was very focused on killing his brother. It's also possible he has fears of intimacy and commitment, but that's future fodder for his marriage councilor...

Regardless, he was worried. You spend time around anything that doesn't try to kill you and if anything happens to it, you'll find yourself worried too.

As he brooded, staring blankly through the window he stood before, he became aware of a commotion behind him. As he listened, he managed to hear one word being repeated.

Awake...

Awake...

Awake.

His heart seemed to stop, then went into overdrive as he realized what they were talking about.

His teammate was awake.

He ran by those nurses so fast, the wind from his passing lifted their skirts, and they weren't wearing very long skirts to begin with.

Fast as he was, however, he found his other teammates there before him. Their teammate was slowly stirring on the bed, as if wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep. Blearily opening an eye, she raised a hand to her face.

The three of them sighed in relief. "Sakura..." Sasuke said under his breath.

Then Sakura stiffened. Slowly, she grabbed hold of a lock of her hair and held it where she could see it. "What the... pink?" she muttered. "What the heck?"

Abruptly, she looked down, and her eyes fixed on her chest. Said eyes widened. "No..." she breathed.

By now, the team seven guys were wondering if maybe something _was _wrong with Sakura.

One of Sakura's hands rose to her chest and squeezed. "No..." she almost whispered, dropping her hand as if scalded. Her legs squirmed strangely. "It's gone..."

"No..." she repeated, louder, starting to tremble. Head in her hands, she began to curl into a fetal position, her knees moving to her chest.

"Sakura-chan...?" Naruto asked, a bit warily.

Sakura shook her head violently. "No!" she said forcefully. "NO!"

Throwing back her head, she screamed.

----------------------------------------

Kurt slowly returned to consciousness. Blearily, he opened an eye and raised a hand to his face. _What happened?_ he thought. _Last thing I remember is trying to read the member's logbook... Why does my head feel funny?_

Close by, he heard what sounded like three people sigh, and one of them seemed to say, very quietly, the name 'Sakura'.

Kurt's hand hit a lock of hair that he didn't remember growing.

Slowly, he grabbed a lock and held it where he could see it. "What the... pink?" he said. "What the heck?"

Or at least, that's what he wanted to say.

Instead, someone else spoke, someone with a softer, lighter voice, using his mouth.

Abruptly, he realized his chest felt weird. Looking down quickly, he saw two things that men never, ever wanted to see on their own bodies. "No..." he breathed, and still some other persons' voice spoke.

Raising a hand to his chest, he squeezed. Yup, definitely there alright. "No..." he almost whispered, dropping his hand as if scalded. _Too firm... _he thought detachedly as his mind went on his first true panic in his life. Rubbing his thighs together made him aware of a man's worst nightmare. "It's gone..."

"No..." he repeated, louder, starting to tremble. Head in his hands, he began to curl into a fetal position, his knees moving to his chest.

"Sakura-chan...?" someone asked, sounding a bit wary.

Kurt shook his head violently. "No!" he said forcefully. "NO!"

Throwing back his head, he screamed.

----------------------------------------

Sakura screamed. And screamed. And kept on screaming. And then screamed some more. And a little bit more, just for kicks. She only paused long enough to take a breath, and then she was at it again.

The situation couldn't be allowed to last, however. It was a hospital, after all, and hospitals had rules. Lots of them. So many rules that no one could possibly remember them all. All the nurses and doctors, however, were fairly certain that 'no screaming' was one of them. And if it wasn't, how would this girl know?

So a nurse came and firmly, hurriedly, told the girl to stop screaming. But the girl didn't listen.

Annoyed and a little bit alarmed, the nurse left to find a doctor and a pair of earplugs.

The doctor arrived and tried to patiently explain that the girl should stop screaming because it was against hospital regulations. Everyone knows about hospital regulations, which is written on solid granite with glowing, solid gold letters a foot deep and is never violated on pain of... well... very horrible things.

He had to yell to be heard over the girl's screaming, however, and probably a bit of his meaning and certainly a lot of his patience was lost in translation.

The girl either wasn't listening or didn't care, however. She just kept on screaming, oblivious to anything and anyone.

Now very annoyed and very alarmed, the doctor called for a sedative, a couple of orderlies and a pair of earplugs.

The orderlies arrived with the sedative. As they made to grab the girl so they could restrain her, however, they found she wasn't as oblivious as they thought. She struggled, hard, her shinobi-conditioned limbs putting up quite a fight. One of her flailings sent the syringe flying, causing it to break on the floor.

As the doctor was about to call for more sedatives, Kakashi, who had been forgotten along with the other team seven guys, sighed. The next moment, he moved, blurring as he came to stand next the screaming girl, and chopped at a specific cluster of nerves.

The screaming cut off as if someone had flicked off a switch, and Sakura collapsed back into the bed.

Kakashi looked at the doctor and orderlies. "That's how it's done." he said.

----------------------------------------

When Kurt woke up much later, he was in a private room and bound securely to the bed. He also had a large cloth _something_ stuffed into his mouth and held in place by the long length of bandage wrapped around his head several times, effectively silencing him. He also felt something in his right hand, but before he make out what it was, he heard a voice in his head.

Yes, that's right, a voice in his head.

_About time you woke up, _the voice said.

Kurt stiffened. A part of him remembered reading somewhere that hearing voices in your head was a sign of insanity. He wondered how true that was.

_Hey! I'm talking to you! _the voice yelled. It sounded familiar.

_I'm going insane, _Kurt thought. _I'm hearing a voice in my head, I got turned into a girl and I'm going insane!_

_**You're **going insane! _the voice said. _**I'm** the one who lost control of her body and have a voice in her head!_

Something clicked in Kurt's mind, and he realized why the voice sounded so familiar. It was the voice he had heard when he had spoken out loud earlier.

_Wait a sec, _he thought. _**I'm** in **your** body! How is that even possible!_

_How would **I**_ know! the voice- _she_ he realized- said. _I just want you out!_

_Love to! _he snapped back. _Except I have no idea how to do that! I don't even know how I got here!_

There was silence for a moment.

Then Kurt said, _Sorry._

That seemed to throw the girl for a loop. _Sorry? For what?_

_For answering the way I did, _he said. _I had no right to be rude. If it's your body, then I'm just a guest- an uninvited one, at that. But no matter what the situation, I shouldn't have been rude._

There was another moment of silence. Then:

_Apology accepted. I'm sorry I was rude too. I suppose if you're a guest, then I should be a more gracious host._

_Apology accepted._

More silence.

_So._

_So._

_This is pretty danged surreal, isn't it?_ Kurt said.

_Very surreal, _his host agreed.

_Oh, I don't believe we've been introduced. My name is Kurt. Kurt Bada. Or is that Bada Kurt around here?_

_A pleasure to meet you Kurt-san. My name is Haruno Sakura._

_Then I was right the second time around. A pleasure to meet you Sakura-san._

_The pleasure's all mine Kurt-san._

Yet another round of silence.

_This is still very surreal, _Sakura said.

_Totally, _Kurt agreed.

_So how did you get here again?_

Now that he wasn't on the defensive, Kurt made an effort to try to answer. _I don't really know for sure. I remember freaking out when I realized I was in a girl's body-_

_I know, _Sakura interrupted. _I was there._

Again, silence, this time embarrassed.

_You were? _Kurt said.

_Yes._

_Ouch. Well, before that, I remember trying to read this book I wasn't supposed to be reading..._

_If you weren't supposed to read it, then why were you reading it?_ Sakura asked.

_Because I was curious what all the fuss and secrecy was about, _Kurt said.

Kurt wasn't sure, but he thought he picked up something that sounded suspiciously like a sigh.

_Alright, _Sakura said. _Then what?_

_When I opened it, it said something like 'don't you think we prepared for this eventuality', and the next thing I knew, I was wondering why I had long pink hair._

Still more silence.

_That's it, _Sakura asked.

_Yup, _Kurt said.

_They booby-trapped the book._

_Certainly looks like it. Question is, with what?_

_I have no idea._

Silen- oh, you get the idea!

_Are you famous?_ asked Kurt. _'Cause I swear I've heard your name somewhere before._

Kurt picked up what he realized was the mental equivalent of a blush. _I don't think I'm famous._

_Haruno Sakura, _Kurt mused. _It rings a bell, I just can't place it..._

Abruptly, Kurt realized that he- or at least, the body he was inhabiting- was starting to get stiff. _Maybe we should try moving? I think we're starting to cramp._

Sakura felt it too. _Good idea. You do it. I've already tried moving and nothing happened._

_Oh. Okay._

Experimentally, Kurt tried to move. He didn't get far; the restraints made sure of that. He- or maybe it's better to _they_- were also thirsty; the wad of cloth in their mouth felt saturated, but their throat was dry.

_Guess they're not taking any chances after my little tantrum, _Kurt said._ Although this seems a bit much._

_The way you were raving, it's hard to blame them,_ Sakura grumbled.

_Look, I'm sorry, but it was a knee-jerk reaction! _Kurt defended himself. _What would you have done if you'd found yourself in a male body?_

_I guess, _Sakura grumbled. _But it was so embarrassing! What must Sasuke think of me!_

_Sasuke..._that tickled something else in Kurt's mind. _Sasuke who?_

Again the mental blush. _Sasuke Uchiha. He's my teammate._

Click!

_Naruto! _Kurt exclaimed.

_Uh, yeah, he's my teammate too._

_No, listen! Where I come from, there's this anime called 'Naruto', about a young boy who wants to be hokage! In this show, he has two teammates Sasuke and... Sakura... _Kurt paused. _Oh man! You're that Sakura. The one who has a crush on Sasuke!_

_What! _Sakura said.

_I got it! That stupid book sent me to another world! _There was a pause. _Cool!_

_Weird._

_Actually, if anime is any indicator, it's pretty common. Although it usually means that the one transported has been prophesied to save the world. Ugh. I hope that doesn't happen._

_Cramping..._

_Oh, yeah, hold on a sec..._

Trying to move was as fruitless as the last time, 'til Kurt remembered the thing in their hand. Moving their head to face that angle, Kurt saw some kind of button. _I think it's the nurse button._

_Press it. Maybe they'll let us out. I'm thirsty._

Kurt pressed it.

An unbearably long five minutes later, a nurse arrived, looking wary. Kurt pointed at their mouth.

_First person singular? _Kurt asked as the nurse unwounded the bandage gag.

_First person singular, _Sakura agreed, realizing what Kurt was talking about.

"Could I please have a glass of water?" Kurt asked when the nurse had undone the gag.

The nurse gave them a look. "You're not going to start screaming again, are you?"

Kurt blushed. "Sorry. I don't know what came over me."

_You did, _Sakura remarked.

_That's not helpful._

----------------------------------------

After Kurt and Sakura managed to convince the nurse it was safe to let them go, they drank half a pitcher full of water to get the taste of the gag out of their mouth. Unfortunately, this brought a problem to their attention.

_You know, I just realized, _Kurt said as he put down their glass on their bedside table.

_What? _asked Sakura.

_After drinking all this water, we're going to have to pee eventually. And I'm a guy._

Kurt let Sakura digest the unspoken implications of that.

_I suppose we could always ask for adult diapers, _Sakura said unconvincingly.

_We'd still have to put them on, _Kurt pointed out. _Besides, I don't think our pride would stand for it._

_What else can we do? _asked Sakura.

_Uh oh._

_Uh oh?_

_I think we need to pee, _Kurt said.

----------------------------------------

**- To be continued...**

----------------------------------------

A/N: My second fanfic! YAY! I'm so proud of me!

How else am I going to end this chapter. A resolution? I think not! But seriously, I couldn't think of any other way to end this chapter. Please bear with me.

Some of you probably thought that, since this is a self-insert, I'd pop myself into a male body. Heck no! That would be too easy! Beside, I think the genin girl is cute, and Sasuke's scene would then have yaoi overtones:

'His heart seemed to stop, then went into overdrive as he realized what they were talking about.

His teammate was awake.

He ran by those nurses so fast, the wind from his passing lifted their skirts, and they weren't wearing very long skirts to begin with.

Fast as he was, however, he found his other teammates there before him. Their teammate was slowly stirring on the bed, as if wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep. Blearily opening an eye, he raised a hand to his face.

The three of them sighed in relief. "Naruto..." Sasuke said under his breath.'

You get the picture. Nothing wrong with yaoi, of course, but it's just not my cup of tea. Creeps me out a bit. But hey, to each their own.

Besides, this is _my_ self-insert, so I do what I want!

FYI, _app_ is short for _applicant_.

For those wondering what the heck The Book was all about, here's the back-story. This semester, I happened to get it in my head to join my university's local anime enthusiast's organization (you know who you are). Now, joining is not just a matter of signing up. As of now (academic year 2005-2006), I am still an applicant, and will be for some time.

The organization is arranged thus: there are the applicants, who only just applied this year; there are the members, or mems as they are sometimes called, who passed the application phase already; and then there are the alumni, who have left or graduated from the university...

Now, the mems have what we call the mems logbook, which is, _in theory_, kind of like a blog where they write their thoughts and stuff. We apps have our own logbook (or blog book, as I like to call it).

Now, here's the thing. Only mems and alumni are allowed read, write on, or even _touch_, The Book (capitals entirely my own), whereas anyone can use the apps blog book.

So why all the secrecy? I have no idea. Most likely it's a privilege thing. You have to be a mem to have the privilege to use The Book. Most likely. Most likely...

More likely it contains private stuff though.Guess I'll have to wait. If I live that long...

(Sorry about the comments that used to be here. Will never happen again. Please don't kick me out...)

Anyway, regardless of the true contents of The Book, I wondered: what was to stop an app from 'appropriating' it when no one was looking?

So I thought: what if it was cursed?

And that's how this story was thought up.

Like my other story, "Shichinin no Sakura: Seven of Team Seven", this is a mild AU where Sakura is an orphan. This is so that I don't have to deal with her (practically non-existent) parents.

You know, my Naruto fics always seem to come together in hospital scenes. I have no idea why...

Please review, C&C welcome. Heck, even flames are welcome. That means at least it's being read, if not liked.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.

Trivia: I started writing this on my Palm Pilot. Yes, I have no social life of my own.

(Pathetic, aren't I?)


	2. Well, This Is Embarrassing

"Um, mistress overlord?" the member who found the book on the ground said timidly.

Thepresident looked from her copy of 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince'. "What is it?"

"We, uh, lost another app," the girl said, holding out The Book.

ThePrez sighed, somehow finding the willpower to put down HP book 6. "Who was it?" The way she used the past tense was telling.

"The writer. Kurt Bada."

"May his soul find peace."

"Um, mistress, don't some of them find their way back?" the girl said.

"Some times, although they come back with no memory of where they went. Most, however, are never seen again."

"Never!" the girl paled.

"Never."

The girl shuddered. She suddenly felt lucky to have resisted the urge to peak at the book when she was an applicant.

"Where do they go?" asked the girl.

"I have no idea. It must be somewhere horrible for the survivors to blank out all memory of it. I guess the rest die."

The girl stared at the book. "It's a bit overkill for a security feature, don't you think?"

ThePrez sweatdropped, rubbing the back of her head in embarrassment.

----------------------------------------

"Finally!" Peorth said, unpausing the Well, as Xellos and Death came back from a bathroom run.

In the Well, the silliness continued...

----------------------------------------

The Cursed Log Book 1:

Kurt-kun In Konoha

by Shadow Crystal Mage

2nd Incident: Well, _This_ Is Embarrassing...

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, someone else does (and he or she can keep it for all I care!). Neither do I own Ah! My Goddess, the Endless, Norse mythology, or Slayers.

----------------------------------------

_Uh oh, _Kurt said suddenly.

_Uh oh?_ Sakura repeated.

_I think we need to pee, _Kurt said.

_Uh oh, _the kunoichi said.

_How about we try holding it in? _Kurt suggested hopefully.

_Good idea, _Sakura agreed.

They tried it. They managed for all of twenty seconds.

_It's not working... _Kurt moaned.

_The pain... _Sakura agreed.

_I think we might have to-_

_NO!_ Sakura interrupted.

_I don't want to have to do it either! _Kurt said. _But what are our choices? Try to hold it in, risk getting bladder infection, eventually let it out and make a mess of ourselves. That would involve having to clean up, and that would involve having to wash up._

He let that sink in.

Sakura sighed. _No funny stuff, _she growled.

_Never even crossed my mind, _Kurt reassured her.

Getting off the bed- and very thankful that their legs hadn't cramped while they had their conversation- Kurt, with Sakura on board for the ride, made for the bathroom. Locking the door behind them, the boy in the kunoichi just stared at the toilet. _Okay, now what?_

_Pull down the pants, _Sakura instructed.

Taking a deep breath, Kurt carefully slipped their fingers under the waistband of the hospital pajamas they were wearing. Taking another deep breath, he pulled the pants down their legs as quickly as possible.

_Now the panties._

_This is just wrong, _Kurt said.

_This was your idea!_ Sakura said.

_I know! And that makes it worse! Sick and wrong! Every molecule of my being is screaming at me that this is sick and wrong!_

_Are you sure those aren't the molecules of **my** being!_

_At this point, **HOW CAN WE TELL THEM APART!**_

Another deep breath, and the panties were off.

_You know, I never really imagined myself in a situation where I have to take off a girl's underwear, _Kurt mused, glancing at said article of clothing for a moment before setting them aside with a shudder. _I'd always planned to be straight, single, and celibate for life, living as a writer, getting richer than Stephen King, Anne Rice, Robert Jordan and J. K. Rowling combined. It was a simpler time..._

_Hey, I never planned for the first guy to take off my panties to be some guy who got sent into my head by some cursed book! _Sakura retorted. _**I** wanted it to be Sasuke after I had won his heart, and we were alone, and he would start kissing me, lower and lower, and we would end up making wild, hot, passionate-_

_STOP TALKING, STOP TALKING, HAVE MERCY AND **PLEASE** STOP TALKING, THAT IS TOO MUCH INFORMATION, OH MY POOR EARS, PLEASE, **STOP TALKING!**_

Silence.

_Thank you, _Kurt said. _Now what?_

_Pull down the seat and wipe it off_, Sakura said. _This is a hospital. Who knows what kind of icky disease the last occupant had!_

_Please don't mention the word 'icky', we're not really in a position to talk. And don't you think the hospital would have sterilized it if the last occupant had had anything contagious? _Kurt said, even as he took a little toilet paper and did as he was told, hurrying as the call of nature became louder. _Besides, this hospital primarily treats ninjas. Shouldn't most of their cases involve blunt and chakra trauma with the occasional burn, amputation and poisoning?_

_Just do it! _yelled Sakura. She'd realized the call had gotten louder too.

Biting down the urge to mutter something uncomplementary about women, Kurt finished wiping, hiked up the rear tail of their pajama shirt, and sat down, holding up the front tail so it wouldn't go down between... there.

A few seconds later, nature came calling.

_Aaahhhhhh... _Sakura moaned in release.

_Ooohhhhhh... _Kurt agreed.

Apparently, some things transcended gender differences.

_That felt **so** good... _Sakura sighed.

_Totally... _said Kurt.

There was a pause.

_Do women wipe afterwards?_

----------------------------------------

Kurt closed the bathroom door, still shuddering at what they had needed to do out of hygiene. Inside, Sakura was still blubbering.

_I can't believe that... and after all that effort not to... and you still tou-_

_Stop it! Stop talking about it! If you don't mention it, we can pretend it never happened! _Kurt said.

_Unlikely. We're going to have to pee again eventually, _Sakura said despondently.

**_ARGH!_** Kurt screamed as he threw them onto the bed and buried their head under the pillow. _Somebody save me..._

----------------------------------------

Kurt and Sakura both lost track of time, consumed by their private yet somehow mutual embarrassment, humiliation and misery. Thus, they didn't know how long it was before someone knocked on their door.

"Sakura-chan? Can we come in?" a voice said.

_Anyone you know?_ Kurt asked.

_Naruto, _Sakura said. _Probably Kakashi and Sasuke-koi too._

Kurt rolled their eyes. _He is **not **your lover._

_A minor detail,_ Sakura sniffed. _We'll be lovers eventually._

_Whatever,_ Kurt said. _Should we let them in?_

_I guess, _Sakura grumbled. _They're going to have to find out about us eventually._

"Come in," Kurt said, still finding it disturbing to hear a girl's voice coming from his mouth. _**You** think of what to say, and I'll just repeat verbatim._

_**WHAT! **This is your fault! You do the explaining!_

_How is this **my** fault?_

There was a pause.

_Never mind, I remember._

This exchange happened in the time between Kurt speaking and the door opening. One of the perks of mental conversation.

As the door opened, Kurt briefly wondered how Sakura's teammates would react when he tried to explain the situation.

_At worst, _Kurt mused, _they'll kill us._

_Oh goody, _Sakura muttered sarcastically.

----------------------------------------

After Kurt, with Sakura throwing reminders every now and then, had explained the situation, the three guys just looked at each other. Kurt swallowed, sweated, and prayed they wouldn't kill them. Inside, Sakura fervently prayed for the same thing.

"That explains it…" Kakashi muttered.

"It does?" Kurt said hopefully.

"It explains your breakdown yesterday, anyway." the jounin said.

"So you believe me?" Kurt said, feeling more hopeful.

Kakashi just stood there, looking thoughtful. Sasuke was expressionless as ever. And Naruto…

Naruto was in their face.

Kurt leaned back from the intense scrutiny the blond was conducting a scant ten inches away from their face. "Do you mind? You're in my personal space."

Naruto's eyes narrowed and he leaned closer. "Are you really some guy who got trapped inside Sakura?"

Their eyes widened.

"TRAPPED! I never thought of it like that. OH MAN, what if I'm stuck in here forever!" Kurt wailed loudly, causing Naruto to step back in fear of hearing loss.

Inside, Sakura was equally panicked.

_NOOOOOOOOOOO!_

Kurt looked at Kakashi with wide, panic-stricken eyes. "Can you knock us out again? We think we feel a scream coming."

"Sakura was never given to screaming fits," Kakashi said placidly.

"I'M NOT SAKURA, DARN IT!" Kurt yelled.

"No, you're not," he agreed.

Kurt sighed in relief and leaned back against the headboard. "They believe us Sakura-san," he said. Inside, Sakura was crying for joy.

_Alright,_ Kurt said, _now that that's settled, here comes pressing concern number two: how do I get out of you and return home?_

----------------------------------------

**- To be continued...**

----------------------------------------

A/N: It always happens. The one transported to another world will want to go home. No way am I staying there! It's got Orochimaru and junk!

To raikujin: thank you for the review and kind, encouraging words. Has a wonderful effect on writers. Almost as good as all the chocolate you can eat. Therefore, I dedicate this chapter to you, my first reviewer, whoever you are. I hope you will stay with this rather silly story of mine. As long as there are people reading it, I will continue it.

To: ShadowCelest117: thank you also for the kind review. I also dedicate this chapter to you, my second reviewer. Don't worry, I'll get around the pairings difficulty (it's just a difficulty, not a problem). How's Ino/Sakura/Sasuke sound? No promises though. Although you'd think the moral implications of a college guy in preteen girl's body would be a bigger issue :)

(Who knew I had it in me to make speeches? Tuxedo Mask, eat your heart out!)

If this and the previous chapter is any indicator, there's going to be a _lot _of Kurt-Sakura mental dialogue, and it might take a while for some decent action to come up.

_momentary pause_

GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTER, YOU PERVERTS!

Sorry it's so short. I promise the next one will be longer.

Please review, C&C welcome. Heck, even flames are welcome. That means at least it's being read, if not liked.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. Back to School Black and Blues

"You sure this will work?" the girl who had found The Book said.

The Prez nodded, concentrating on the computer printout in her hand. "Of course! I got it at It's guaranteed to work, or your soul back!"

"What!"

"Uh, I mean, money back!" the Prez sweatdropped.

Putting in the finishing touches on the pentagram, she threw in the last ingredients, muttered a few arcane words, did a cross between the Macarena and the hokey-pokey, and rubbed her stomach and bopped her head at the same time.

Nothing happened.

"Alright-y, we go to plan B," the Prez said.

Minutes later, a crude dummy composed of a lot of dirt, a mop, some rags and a nametag that said 'Kurt' was sitting on a chair, looking constipated. Or sleeping. Or dead. It was hard to tell.

The girl shook her head. "No one is going to buy this."

Just then, a few members and applicants passed by. "Hey Kurt," some of them said.

It was the girl's turn to sweatdrop as the Prez got an 'I told you so' expression on her face.

----------------------------------------

"Not another soul," Death said, looking at the glowing glass ball Xellos held in his hand. "You realize you're making my work a pain in the neck, right?"

The Mazoku smiled, threw the ball in the air and caught it. "Hey, as long as that website of mine is up, I'm gonna cash in on the dot-com craze."

"That craze is dead," Death retorted. "I know. I took it."

"Quiet on the set!" Toltiir yelled as Peorth waved the Well on…

----------------------------------------

The Cursed Log Book 1:

Kurt-kun In Konoha

by Shadow Crystal Mage

3rd Incident: Back To School Black And Blues

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, someone else does (and he or she can keep it for all I care!). Neither do I own Ah! My Goddess, the Endless, Norse mythology, or Slayers.

----------------------------------------

For as long as he could remember, Kurt had had a hate-hate relationship with the academe. He hated school and school made itself hate-able. This stemmed, mostly, from his well-justified belief that school was not teaching him anything important, useful or marketable. The schools knew this, knew the belief was justified, in some cases had admitted it, but still insisted on dishing out useless information. College was worse. They actually charged you. Apparently, as long as the rest of the world had not yet come to its senses and still believed all that education hype, schools were still a lucrative, no loss business.

Kurt found that such was not the case with the Ninja Academy.

To digress, why the heck was Kurt interested in Ninja Academy? Well, because Kakashi had sent them- he and Sakura- there. Kakashi had a problem. See, Kurt didn't know squat about being a shinobi. A six-year-old academy student could beat him (provided that six year old was Kakashi). Since he was the one running Sakura's body, that meant that Sakura was an effectively useless member of team seven. True, Sakura still retained her knowledge and skills, but sadly, she wasn't driving. Sending her back would cause a messy reorganization shuffle, and no one wanted that. All the jounin were protective of their charges, in their own fashion (protective as in they were the only ones allowed to slave drive them). So Kakashi had, instead, sent them to ninja academy for a one-month refresher/crash course on everything a genin should know and be able to do. In the meantime, since team seven was a member short, he and the guys could only do class D missions.

Kurt understood that this was a blow to the pride of all three guys, but there was nothing else they could do, short of said messy reorganization. Plus, if he could become a properly functioning member of team seven, Kakashi might be able to use his contacts to help find a way to send him home. Or at least, get him out of Sakura. But first, he had to be useful.

Hence, Ninja Academy.

Here, students are actually taught things that were important, useful _and_ marketable. Not to mention just plain old fun. Just one problem.

The training could potentially lead to fatalities.

Take, for example, Tree Walking.

Kurt stared at the tree, his gaze going up and up. It went on for a hundred feet vertically, and was smooth bark for about half its length. Kurt gulped as Iruka waited patiently behind him and Sakura impatiently inside them. Iruka was the only one Kakashi had trusted with the full situation, since there was no other way to explain why the smartest girl in her class had to come back to school. Iruka had taken it rather well, but wasn't holding out much hope. After all, not even Kakashi had finished the Academy in one month.

Still Kurt had to try, because it wasn't for his sake, it was for someone else.

Taking a deep breath and trying to remember his two days worth of chakra training, he tried to gather his chakra into their feet and walk up the tree.

He failed.

Pained in the butt but undaunted, he tried again.

Same result.

Tried again. More of same.

As the day wore on, he kept trying and trying and trying, with Iruka patiently trying to teach and Sakura ragging him so badly he wondered where she had hidden 'inner Sakura' for the past week. By sunset, the best he had managed was to barely get his feet to stick to the bark and move up by one step. There were a lot of bruises on their back and behind, and their stomach was grumbling since they hadn't stopped for lunch. For a moment, Kurt almost wished for the old schools he was used to. Heck, if he could have it, he'd wish for _anything_ he was used to.

_Well, that was a bust,_ Kurt muttered as they walked back to Sakura's place.

_It wasn't that bad,_ Sakura said.

Kurt felt their face twist into a grimace. _Oh please! I heard what you were ranting! You were right. At the rate I'm going, it's going to take half the month to walk up that stupid tree!_

Then he sighed. _Come on. Let's eat._

Nothing more was said between them on the way to Sakura's house.

----------------------------------------

It Kurt took all of ten minutes to heat up a lasagna, eat it and wash the dishes and utensils.

_Whoa,_ Sakura breathed.

Kurt smiled humorlessly as he folded the dishrag and hung it to dry. _ I might stink as a ninja, but at least I can do house chores._

Sighing, Kurt sat them down on the couch and closed their eyes. _Was it this hard for you when you went to school?_

_Kind of._

_Kind of?_

_I was four back then when I started. It took me eight years to be a genin. Compared to you, I was lucky. You have to be genin material in a month, basic ninjutsus, taijutsus, and genjutsus mastered. That can't be easy._

Sakura fell silent, not seeming to want to continue the conversation. That was fine by Kurt. He didn't feel much like talking either.

And yet, he couldn't help but think of the situation, the whole situation, with all the involved factors. Kakashi, risking a twenty-year career. Sasuke and Naruto, allowing themselves to do 'grunt' work barely removed from chores. And Sakura…

She spent eight years of her life working to become a genin.

Losing that position just because some guy popped in her head _had _to hurt.

Abruptly, Kurt stood up.

_Sakura-san…_ he asked.

_Hm?_ the kunoichi asked.

_How do you walk up trees again?_

----------------------------------------

Iruka put down his bottle and called for another one. Then, he changed his mind and asked for five more. Nothing like Irish coffee, sans the coffee, to make disappointment go away.

Disappointment? HA! It made him want to cry.

He kept on drinking even when he felt the three people behind him. "A month, Kakashi. A month! How do you expect me to do that! Not everyone's a genius like you! Not to mention that that boy- ugh, that boy- is already really messed up as he is! Being inside Sakura! I mean, come on!"

Iruka looked over his shoulder at Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke. The look he directed at the scarecrow told him he thought he was crazy. "There's no way it can be done, training someone to be a genin in a month!"

Iruka sighed again and went back to his drinking. "It's impossible! There's just no way it can be done."

----------------------------------------

The next day, after Iruka got over his hangover, he had Kakashi bring Naruto and Sasuke. The chuunin wanted them to see just how the 'star pupil' was coming along.

They found Sakura, er, _Kurt_, curled up asleep under the tree she, er, _he_- oh, whatever!- had been trying to climb yesterday.

Kurt blearily opened one eye as he heard their approach. "Is it morning already?"

Yawning, Kurt stood up and, interlocking their fingers together, raised their arms and stretched. Kinks popped out as he stretched them from head to toe. Last time he was sleeping outdoors, Kurt swore to himself. Trouble was, he didn't think he would be given the choice to keep that promise.

Sensing that Sakura was still 'asleep', Kurt decided not to wake her. It had been a long night for both of them. At least one of hem should get some rest.

_Just why couldn't it have been me?_ Kurt thought.

Suppressing a yawn, Kurt nodded to his audience. "Ohayo Iruka-sensei, Kakashi-sensei, Naruto-sempai, Sasuke-sempai," Kurt greeted them. It never hurt to be polite.

"What are you doing here already?" Iruka asked.

Kurt shrugged, covering another yawn. "Decided to come here early to slip in a few workouts," he said, not elaborating.

Iruka pursed his lips. "I see. Well, back to yesterday's lesson," he said, preparing himself for another reason to get rip-roaring drunk later that night.

Kurt nodded, face still slack from sleep. Gathering chakra into their feet, he quickly ran up the tree.

Iruka felt his jaw drop.

As Kurt landed back where he had started, Kakashi turned Iruka. "I thought you said he was doing worse than Naruto used to."

Iruka just stood there with his mouth hanging open.

Kurt-in-Sakura straightened and turned to Iruka. "Next?"

Iruka closed his mouth and looked at Kurt/Sakura, then the tree and back again several times. "How did you do that?"

Kurt shrugged. "Chakra in the feet, like you said."

"You could barely get your foot to stick yesterday, much less run up the tree!" Iruka said.

Another shrug. "Amazing how good you get when the smartest girl in the class is literally screaming in your head. Although I didn't manage to get it until after midnight."

"You practiced tree walking all night?" Iruka asked, amazed.

Kurt shook their head. "Nah. After an hour of getting it right, I decided to get a head start on Water Walking, no matter how much that feels sacrilegious to my religion. Still having trouble standing, but I _think _I get it."

By now all their jaws had dropped. "Did you sleep at all last night?" Naruto asked.

"Now that you mention it, I thought I caught the sunrise when I sat down for our nap," Kurt muttered.

The four guys sweatdropped.

"Whoa," said Naruto. "And I thought Sasuke-bastard was obsessed."

"Yeah," said Sasuke, then paused. "HEY!"

"SSHHH!" Kurt shushed him. "Sakura-san's still asleep and I don't want you waking her up. She had a long night."

Kakashi's eyebrow seemed to go up. "Sakura-san?"

Another shrug. "I don't know her well enough not to use honorifics. Just because I'm technically and literally her live-in partner doesn't mean I'm on name-only terms with her."

"Oh," the Copy Ninja said.

"So, what else for today Iruka-sensei?" Kurt asked.

Though his mind was still a mess, the question activated his teacher's instincts. "Water walking," he said in something close to his usual tone. "Let's see if you're as good as you claim."

Kurt nodded. "Yes sir."

----------------------------------------

It took Kurt all of thirty minutes to not have trouble standing on water, no matter how much it creeped him out and how sleepy he still was. However, Iruka had him doing tree and water walking drills 'til lunch before he was satisfied.

As Kurt skipped out of the water, their stomach grumbled alarmingly. Kurt blushed, embarrassed. "Uh, sorry about that. We didn't have a chance to eat breakfast."

Naruto blinked. "You're up all night tree and water walking, you barely had two hours of sleep, you don't have breakfast, you've been training from waking to lunch, and you're still conscious? How much chakra do you have! "

Shrug. "No idea. I've just always been good at staying awake. Although, I've got to admit, this is the longest I've gone without sleep. After eighteen hours I'm usually a vegetable. Maybe it's because Sakura-san's more athletic than I was."

Kurt smiled, took two steps, and keeled over in a dead faint.

----------------------------------------

The next few days weren't nearly that exhausting. Iruka taught Kurt, with Sakura's help, the basic _jutsus_ an genin needed to know. Kurt had a little difficulty with _taijutsu_, since it needed to be constantly practiced, but eventually got the basics. The _ninjutsus _were a lot of fun to learn, especially Kawarimi no Jutsu, the Body Switch Skill. While not exactly teleportation, it was still fun.

Sakura also managed to teach Kurt the _jutsus _she was familiar with, such as the Bunshin no Jutsu.

Aside from the _jutsus_, Iruka also taught him about and how to use the basic ninja weaponry. Here, Kurt was in heaven.

See, Kurt liked weapons. The more esoteric and creative, the better. So far, though he had never used any of them, his top three favorites were swords, big scythes, and throwing knives, preferably ones that exploded. Not necessarily in that order.

With the _kunai_ and the Kibaku Fuda, the exploding tag, Kurt felt his inner demolitionist coming out.

Just one problem.

Kurt couldn't throw.

----------------------------------------

Kurt held the _kunai_ as he had been taught, sighted the target and drew back his arm.

_A little to the left, _Sakura said.

Ignoring her, he threw the _kunai_ the way he was supposed to. It wobbled halfway to the target, and barely clipped it on the left edge.

_A little to the right, _Sakura said.

_A while ago, you said left! _Kurt said, peeved at the backseat thrower. Iruka-sensei had taken a bathroom break, so for the moment, it was just the two of them.

_Why did you listen! _

_I didn't! If I had, I would have missed by a wider margin!_

Kurt was actually a decent toss with a _shuriken_, but _kunai_ seemed to hate him. He was pretty good at the knife part, but the throw...UGH!

Suddenly, Kurt got an idea. Taking a piece of paper from the small sketch pad in their hip pouch that he liked to carry around, Kurt used his pencil and lots of purple crayon (he carried those around too) to make a crude drawing and pinned it on the target they were aiming for with a _senbon_.

_You've got to be kidding me, _muttered Sakura. _No way you can hit that little thing._

Kurt grabbed a _kunai_, drew back their arm, and threw.

It landed solidly on the drawing, where its heart would be and right in the middle of the bulls-eye Kurt had drawn.

_Whoa, _Sakura said.

"Whoa," Iruka said, coming back from his bathroom break.

Kurt smiled victoriously and threw more _kunai_, making a tight cluster around the first knife, each one striking squarely on the drawing of a purple dinosaur.

Die Barney!

----------------------------------------

The end of the month came, and Kurt managed to pass the crash course with a fairly decent average, at least on the non-written stuff. Sakura took care of the written stuff. After doing the _jutsu_ needed to graduate (in their case, Henge no jutsu) and getting the green light from Iruka, Kurt and Sakura went home.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say they skipped.

----------------------------------------

Kurt and Sakura skipped on their way back home, a big smile on their face, occasionally doing cartwheels, back flips and somersaults. Thankfully, it was getting late, and the way they were taking was fairly secluded, so they didn't get _too_ many weird looks.

_I passed! _Kurt cheered.

_He passed!_ Sakura cheered.

_YES! _Kurt exulted. _I beat the system!_

_You did it in one month! _Sakura agreed.

_YAY! _they chorused.

Somersaulting, they landed in front of the door of their apartment. A piece of paper had been taped there at eye level. Kurt plucked it off the door and read the note. It was from Kakashi.

_Congratulations, _it read. _Be at the usual meeting place at the usual time tomorrow._

Pocketing the note as they opened the door, Kurt asked Sakura, _What's the usual time and place? I wouldn't want to get lost and be late on the first day on the job._

Sakura laughed as they took of their shoes. _Don't worry. Kakashi-sensei is always late. We'll beat him._

_You sure Sakura?_ Over the month spent literally living together, they had grown close enough to drop the honorifics, and even started calling each other by weird nicknames. _I heard somewhere that the reason he's always 'late' is because he's skulking around and waiting to see if you'll detect him. Either that or he's at home having a long, soapy shower._

_EEEY YEWW! _said Sakura. _K-kun, please never, ever mention that again._

Kurt laughed. The girl's voice he heard when he talked no longer disturbed him as much. _Yes Cherry,_ he drawled as he headed into the kitchen. Opening the cupboards, he took stock of his ingredients.

_So, what's for dinner tonight, K-boy,_ Sakura asked. After they had grown bored with the pastas Sakura had pre-made or bought, Kurt had decided to cook. With Sakura's cookbooks, and Kurt's favorite recipes and cooking experience... well, they certainly weren't starving to death.

Taking a bottle of olive oil, a clove of garlic, and some canned mushrooms, Kurt laid out these ingredients on the table and went to the fridge to see what meat they had in store. The containers of pre-cut hotdogs, pepperoni, bacon and ham, he laid out to defrost on the table as he got some of their already-cooked fettuccini from the fridge. _One of my favorite pasta dishes. The only one I know how to make, actually. Olive oil and garlic with ham, mushroom, pepperoni and bacon._

_Kind of meaty, don't you think?_

Kurt shrugged as he pealed the garlic and began to chop them down to size. _The way we've been going for the last month, we deserve it._

Sakura laughed. _Got that right!_

_So_, Kurt said as he started to cook._ How do you think tomorrow will go?_

Sakura gave the mental equivalent of a shrug. _No idea. But I think we should take a bath._

Kurt shuddered at the memory of their first bath, and inside, he could feel Sakura doing the same.

_UGH!_ they both chorused.

_I don't know which is worse,_ Sakura said. _The fact that a guy in my head has seen me naked, **touched** me, and **taken a bath with me**, or the fact that **it doesn't bother me at all unless I think about it!**_

_UGH!_ was all Kurt said, focusing on his cooking.

After a long silence, long enough that the food was nearly ready, Kurt spoke. _So, about the bath..._ he hedged.

Sakura sighed. _I guess we should be presentable_, she said and left it at that.

They ate the meal in near-silence, Sakura speaking only for a quick blessing, and Kurt only for a short prayer.

_That. Was. GREAT!_ Sakura said after they had eaten.

_Now you know why it's one of my favorites,_ Kurt laughed, doing the dishes with his usual speed and efficiency.

After doing the dishes, they bummed around watching Sakura's _Galaxy Angels_ and _Vandread_ DVD's, laughing their heads of the whole time. Ah, life was good.

That is, until...

----------------------------------------

Kurt and Sakura sighed as they got their bathing things ready. They tried not to think about it, but really, considering how full of physical activity their days had been, they needed daily baths. In fact, Iruka had ordered them to bathe everyday after the time they had gone five days without a bath, and threatened to stop teaching them if they didn't.

That had been the catalyst of their first bath. It had been embarrassing and very disturbing, worse than the first time they had peed.

Kurt and Sakura ran through the bathing things one more time, both knowing they were just procrastinating. Finally, after the fifteenth time...

_Ready?_ asked Kurt.

_Might as well, before we lose our nerve,_ Sakura muttered.

After making sure the windows were closed, and taking one last breath, Kurt unzipped their red dress and began to strip. Moving quickly and trying not to think of what he was doing, or notice anything, he quickly stripped them down to their skin, then wrapped a towel around them.

Heading into the bathroom, which was a like a traditional bath except it had a shower head, they took their time, fussing about the water temperature of the shower and trying to regather their nerve, which seemed to have walked out on them when they weren't looking.

Taking a final deep breath, they ditched the towel and moved under the shower's spray...

----------------------------------------

"HEY!" Xellos and Toltiir exclaimed as Death turned off the Well.

"No peeking," Death said. "We're not voyeurs."

"Well, we are!" the guys said.

"Men," Peorth muttered.

----------------------------------------

Later, once Kurt and Sakura had gotten over their usual post-bathroom embarrassment, and after setting their alarm clock to wake them up early so they'll be on time for the meeting tomorrow, they lay back in bed, staring at the ceiling, both absorbed in their own thoughts. Kurt was, as usual, thinking of home, with job worries about tomorrow's meeting thrown in for variety.

Sakura, of course, was thinking of Sasuke.

_Hey, Sakura,_ Kurt said suddenly, interrupting her Sasuke sex fantas- er, train of thought.

_Hmm?_ she asked.

_Do you think what Naruto said is true? Do you think I'm trapped in you forever?_

He felt Sakura shudder. _Ugh! I don't want to **think** about it!_

_But what if I am? _he persisted. _Playing the worst-case scenario, we could be like this for life!_

Silence.

_Sakura?_

There was a sigh. _Let's go to sleep K,_ Sakura said.

Kurt sighed too. _'Night, Springer._

_'Night Kurt-sy._

Neither of them managed to fall asleep for a while, though.

----------------------------------------

The next day, Kurt and Sakura walked briskly towards the meeting place. Well, Kurt walked briskly. Sakura insisted they had plenty of time, but Kurt didn't slow down.

When they got there, they found Sasuke leaning against his usual tree. His face was expressionless as he regarded them.

Kurt bowed. "Ohayo, Sasuke-sempai."

Uchiha blinked.

_Sempai?_ Sakura said, sounding mildly amused.

_Technically, he **is **an upperclassman compared to me._

Sakura just laughed

Sasuke nodded, giving his usual monosyllabic 'Hn'.

_Well, that went well,_ Kurt said.

Sasuke went back to leaning against his tree, and Kurt started pacing around the area. He and Sasuke ignored each other, each enjoying the silence.

_We're alone with him,_ Sakura realized. _Quick! Ask him out!_

_OH, NO!_ Kurt exclaimed. _I'd do a lot of things for you Sakura, but asking a guy out isn't one of them!_

Sakura sighed. _Why haven't I ever been alone with him like this?_

_Probably because you've never hurried to a meeting,_ Kurt said.

_ARGH!_ Sakura screamed.

_And besides,_ Kurt said, _he knows it's me._

_I hate when you're right,_ Sakura grumbled.

_Sometimes, I do too,_ Kurt confessed.

----------------------------------------

Naruto almost couldn't believe what he saw when he reached the meeting place. Sasuke, leaning against his tree. Sakura, just pacing around. Not asking Sasuke out. Not surgically glued to his side. Practically ignoring him completely.

As Naruto wondered who he should put in his will- the end of he world had obviously come- Sakura, who had been looking at the trees, noticed him. She waved.

"Mornin' Naruto-san!" she said.

It was the slight mispronunciation of his name that reminded him this wasn't just Sakura walking around, it was also Kurt. Glad to be reminded it wasn't really Armageddon, he waved back. "Ohayo Kurt-san, Sakura-chan."

Deciding to let the name thing slip for the moment, he settled down to wait for Kakashi-no-baka.

They all held that pose for a while, all of them waiting for a teacher they knew would be late. Minutes passed slowly.

As Naruto was about to open the floor and start ranting about Kakashi being late, Sakura, er, _Kurt_- Naruto remembered to get that straight- threw a _kunai_ into the branches of a tree.

Uchiha and Uzumaki blinked. Oh-kay...

Kurt stared at the tree, looking intent.

A second later, Kakashi appeared in a puff of smoke, holding a _kunai_ in his hand and fingering a slice on his sleeve. He tossed the _kunai _back to Kurt, who caught it and put it back in her- _his_?- holster.

"Aim a little bit more to the left next time, Kurt-kun," Kakashi said.

"You _want_ to get hit, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura/Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow. "I was aiming to miss."

Kakashi's eye blinked. "Oh."

Meanwhile, Naruto's jaw had dropped. Sasuke was staring intently, still cool, but obviously surprised and a little impressed.

Kakashi was early!

----------------------------------------

Although Kakashi was trying to conceal it, it would be accurate, and a bit of an understatement, to say he was surprised. One of his students had actually detected him! That was a first.

Coughing to cover his surprise, he pretended nothing had happened. "All right. No missions today, but we will be training. Naruto, Sasuke, you know the drill.. Kurt-kun, you're with me."

Sakura-slash-Kurt nodded, walking over to the jounin. As Naruto and Sasuke started sparring, Kakashi spoke.

"You detected me," the scarecrow said. "How?"

Kurt shrugged. "I heard rumors that the reason you're always late is because you're hanging around and waiting to see if you're detected. So I paid attention to my surroundings. I think picked you up twice, but I was only sure the third time."

Kakashi nodded in approval. "Impressive. All right, what do you want me to teach you?"

It was his student's turn to be surprised. "Sir?"

Kakashi smiled beneath his mask. "You detected me. I'd say the earns you the right to learn something."

"Sir, are you talking _jutsus_?" Kurt asked.

Kakashi nodded.

"Whoa," she breathed.

----------------------------------------

In the end, after Kurt and Sakura had gotten over their shock at Kakashi's offer- or reward maybe- they asked him to teach them the Leaf Instantaneous Body Skill, Konoha Shunshin no Jutsu. A teleportation skill was something Kurt very much wanted to learn- it sounded fun! - and Sakura thought it would put her at par with Sasuke, who knew it too.

It took the better part of the morning for Kakashi to teach them, but Kurt and Sakura together managed to learn, thanks to two heads being better than one. My lunch time, they were teleporting with ease.

"Very good," Kakashi said after they had teleported behind him in another veil of leaves. "All right, that's it for today. Stop it before you use up all your chakra."

With that, Kakashi dismissed them for the day, and he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

----------------------------------------

_Wow,_ Sakura said as they made their way through Konoha. _You were right about Kakashi-sensei hiding around._

_Toldja so,_ Kurt said, feeling a bit smug.

_So,_ the kunoichi asked,_ where are we going now?_

_Ichiraku's,_ Kurt answered. _I want to catch Naruto._

_What for?_

_New jutsus,_ was the reply.

----------------------------------------

"Hey, Naruto-san! Wait up!"

He recognized the voice, though the mispronunciation was gone. Turning, the blond saw Sakura- er,Kurt- hurrying towards him.

He stopped, impatient. He was at the threshold of Ichiraku's, all set to eat his twenty-or-so ramen lunch, and he did not want to be kept waiting. Luckily, Sakura- AGH, Kurt!- moved quickly, so he didn't have to wait long. "Mind if I join you? My treat."

And as simply as that, all was forgiven.

----------------------------------------

The crowd at Ichiraku Ramen was used to the sight of Uzumaki Naruto pigging out like there was no tomorrow. It was usual, expected, the discontinuance of which a sign of the End of the World.

They were _not_ used to the sight of his teammate, Haruno Sakura, pigging out at the same pace and keeping up with him. To see another person eating at the same pace and amount as Naruto and Chouji was _un_usual, _un_expected, and a definite sign of the End of the World.

The staff, meanwhile, gave thanks for the big fat commissions they would earn because of this. Long may these people wave.

"Enjoying yourself, Naruto-kun?" Sakura asked as they waited for the reload.

"YEAH!" Naruto said. "KEEP 'EM COMING!"

Sakura smiled. "Then I was wondering if you'd do me a favor..."

----------------------------------------

_I can't **believe** you bribed Naruto into teaching you the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu **and** the Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu,_ Sakura said later as they walked back home, wallet lighter, chakra much used, and full of Ramen.

_The quickest way to a pig's **jutsus** is through his stomach,_ Kurt said, paraphrasing the old saying. _Between the two of us, we seem to be learning **jutsus** pretty fast. And not a Sharingan in sight._

_Two heads are better than one, _Sakura agreed.

Their stomach rumbled, not in hunger. _I don't think we'll need to eat dinner tonight,_ Sakura commented. _Did you have to eat so much to get him to agree?_

_No, I ate that much because I was hungry and the food was **really **good,_ Kurt said. _Besides, considering how much chakra we burned, we'll need the extra calories. And I doubt we'll be at rest long enough for them to settle on your thighs,_ he added before Sakura could say anything.

_See that they don't,_ Sakura sniffed primly.

Kurt shook their head. _WOMEN!_

_I heard that!_ Sakura retorted.

----------------------------------------

**- To be continued...**

----------------------------------------

A/N: Nothing on the rant about the education system. That's my opinion, so please keep it out of the reviews. There might be holes in it, but that's for me to plug up.

_senbon_needle

Yes, I hate Barney. There's just something about that smug smile of his that makes me want to wack him one...

I made Sakura a pasta aficionado. So sue me, it's my fic.

A little point of interest, 'Haruno Sakura' means, roughly translated, 'Cherry Blossoms of Spring'. I think. E-mail me if I'm wrong.

About Sakura's anime collection, I figured, orphan girl with an income and her own house, what else would she do?

To ShadowCelest117: Thanks for the review! Yes, there's always time to talk to the voices in your head. _lol_ Sometimes I even have conferences with mine. Hope you enjoy this one! Since you're the first to review my previous chapter, I once more dedicate this to you.

(You can just tell I'm hungry for attention)

Also, if you like Sakura silliness, check out my other work, 'Shichinin no Sakura: Seven of Team Seven'.

Yes, I know the reason for the training was half-baked. And the epiphany scene was _very_ flimsy. And Iruka getting drunk was probably _very_ out of character. Not to mention becoming a super student practically overnight was pretty farfetched. But it was the best I could do!

To take score, only Naruto, Sasuke, Kakashi and Iruka know about the Kurt- Sakura situation.

Next episode, Kurt and Sakura's first mission(s) together. Can you say 'disaster waiting to happen'? I knew you could.

Please review, C&C welcome. Heck, even flames are welcome. That means at least it's being read, if not liked.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. MISSION START!

"Does everybody know what time it is?" Death said perkily.

"Just get on with it!" Peorth, Toltiir and Xellos chorused.

"Man, what a bunch of grumps," Death muttered as she turned on the Well...

----------------------------------------

The Cursed Log Book 1:

Kurt-kun In Konoha

by Shadow Crystal Mage

4th Incident: MISSION START!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, someone else does (and he or she can keep it for all I care!). Neither do I own Ah! My Goddess, the Endless, Norse mythology, or Slayers.

----------------------------------------

_You just **had** to pig-out on all that ramen yesterday, didn't you?_ Sakura raged at Kurt as they walked briskly towards team seven's meeting place.

_Hey, if you haven't noticed, **I'm** suffering here too,_ Kurt retorted, silently agreeing. Sure, their chakra was all recovered, but the mess that had resulted that morning- UGH!

_And my poor wallet,_ Sakura wailed. _I might be able to treat Naruto to lunch, and I might be able to treat you to lunch, but both of you in the same meal is going to bankrupt me! _

_You didn't mind yesterday,_ Kurt reminded her.

_That's beside the point,_ Sakura retorted. _Please let there be an easy mission today! I need the money!_

Kurt groaned, both from Sakura and the rumbling in their stomach. It was empty now save for breakfast and a little gas, but it was still uncomfortable. Plus, Kurt was feeling a little paranoid, considering the mess that morning- UGH!

Passing a tree, Kurt stopped suddenly.

_What is it?_ Sakura asked.

_We're being stupid,_ Kurt said, mostly to himself, as he stared at the foliage. Doing a few seals, they disappeared in a veil of leaves.

----------------------------------------

Sasuke was, as usual, leaning against his usual tree when Sakura-slash-Kurt teleported in. He raised an eyebrow, which was all the cool he was willing to lose.

"Ohayo, Sasuke-sempai," Kurt greeted, receiving the usual monosyllabic non-word.

_Not one for conversation, is he?_ Kurt said, amused.

_So what?_ Sakura retorted. _He's the hottest, coolest, cutest, handsomest, smartest, bestest guy in Konoha! And one day, I'm gonna marry him and become Lady Uchiha!_

_Not if I'm still here, you won't,_ Kurt shot back. _And how can he be hottest **and** coolest at the same time?_

_You wouldn't understand,_ Sakura sniffed.

_Obviously._

----------------------------------------

When Naruto arrived, the scene at the meeting place was almost exactly the same as yesterday. Sasuke was leaning against his tree, and Sakura- um, Kurt- was pacing around, bouncing a rock on her palm.

"Ohayo, Naruto-san," she greeted. Easier to think of him as a girl- he was in Sakura, after all.

"Ohayo," he greeted back, receiving, as always, an indifferent monosyllable from Sasuke.

Smiling, Kurt-slash-Sakura hefted her rock one last time, and threw her rock into the branches of a tree, which immediately produced a soft thud.

There was a pause, and Kakashi appeared in his usual puff of smoke, rubbing his forehead. His forehead protector had a new scratch on it, although he seemed in good humor. He seemed to be smiling, anyway.

"That's two, Kurt-kun," Kakashi said pleasantly. "Why didn't you aim to miss this time?"

"Are you afraid a rock will kill you?" Kurt said with a smile, raising an eyebrow in amusement.

Kakashi laughed as Naruto's eye's bugged out and Sasuke's widened. Kakashi was early again? Something was going on around here. Both looked up, expecting green skies and the coming of the End of the World.

----------------------------------------

"Alright," Kakashi said as his three- technically four- students gathered around him. "We have a new mission today."

At this, Kurt stood up a bit straighter. Kakashi smothered his smile, amused at the boy-in-girl's-body's seriousness.

"Madam Shizimi has asked for our services again." the scarecrow continued.

At this, Naruto groaned and Sasuke sighed in what could have been exasperation. Kurt looked confused, obviously clueless. She raised her hand. "Uh, can you elaborate, Kakashi-sensei?"

Naruto beat him to it, however. "Old lady Shizimi wants us to look for her stupid cat, Tora."

Blink. "That's it? That's the big mission?"

She directed an inquiring look at Kakashi, who nodded.

"Sounds pretty easy," Kurt said. "What's the problem?"

Naruto gave her a look. "It's a waste of our capabilities! The abilities of a great ninja such as myself should not be wasted on finding a lost cat!"

"For once, I'm with _dobe_ here," Sasuke said, his first actual words of the day.

"HEY!" Naruto yelled at the insult.

Kurt, however, laughed. "Well, I'm no great ninja. Where do I start looking?" she asked Kakashi.

Naruto and Sasuke gave her another look.

"You actually _want_ to go look for the cat?" Naruto asked.

Shrug. "How hard can it be?"

----------------------------------------

_Oh,_ Kurt thought. _**This** hard..._

_You and your big mouth,_ Sakura growled.

Tora had apparently last been seen near the large forest they were currently in. That wasn't so bad, considering that, the way Naruto explained it, 'that stupid cat' had once been found inside a septic tank, in a cave five miles away and fifty feet underground from it's owner, and once, even in the next country.

"Guess we'd better split up," Kurt said. "We'll be able to cover more ground that way."

"Well, you kids should be able to handle this," Kakashi said, sitting down and pulling out a book. "Report to me when you're done."

With that, he settled down under a tree to read.

Blink._ Isn't he supposed to supervise us or something?_ he asked Sakura.

_Nah,_ Sakura said, sounding very disgusted. _He only gets off his rear when fighting needs to be done that we can't handle. And sometimes not even then. By the way, the other boys are already gone._

Yup, Naruto and Sasuke had already gone off in search of the errant feline. Picking a direction, Kurt went off to look for the cat.

----------------------------------------

_'How hard could it be', you said_, Sakura repeated. _'Where do I start looking', you said._

_If you're going to repeat everything I said regarding this venture, I think you already used up all my lines,_ Kurt shot back.

_This is one fine mess you've gotten us into, K-boy._

_Would you quit it with the drama queen bit if I said I was sorry?_ was the sarcastic reply.

The two of them had been combing the forest for an hour, with no sign of 'the stupid cat'. Currently, they were standing on a tree branch, resting and scanning the immediate area.

"How hard could it be to find one stupid cat! " Kurt yelled in frustration, stuffing the picture Kakashi had given him back into their belt pouch. Naruto and Sasuke hadn't needed it. Madam Shizimi's cat was infamous to the shinobi of Konoha, and thus, was known to all.

Suddenly, he slapped their hand on their face. "Idiot! That's twice in one day!"

_What did you forget now?_ Sakura asked.

"Another thing we learned yesterday," Kurt said, making a couple seals. "_TAJUU KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!_"

The area became _full_ of Sakura-clones.

----------------------------------------

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the swarm of Sakura-clones who ran past under, over, and around him as he stood on a tree branch.

Oh-kay…

----------------------------------------

Naruto glared in annoyance at the swarm of Sakura-clones as they systematically began to search the forest inch by inch.

"THAT GIRL STOLE MY SCHNICHT!" he raged.

----------------------------------------

An hour later, the number of pink-haired genin kunoichi had been reduced back to one, still in the same tree branch as before.

_Well, **that** was a bust…_ Kurt muttered.

_Any more bright ideas?_ Sakura said scathingly.

_Working on them_, the boy snapped back.

Their stomach rumbled alarmingly at them.

Kurt looked up, spotting the sun through the foliage. _Around noon. Time for lunch._

_How can you even think of food at a time like this! _Sakura said. _We're on a mission!_

_A meal won't kill us, and not having one eventually will. Besides, after using all that chakra, we gotta recharge._

_You sound like Chouji._

_Who?_

_Really fat guy who likes to eat a lot. On one of the other teams._

_Oh._

There was a pause.

_Okay, on to food!_

_Sigh_...

----------------------------------------

After lunch, which consisted of only three bowls of ramen, the two of them were walking slowly back to the forest to search some more. Walking because they were still full, and slowly because of the same reason.

_I hope they found the pest already,_ Sakura said, as the mental lethargy of being full stole over her.

_Unlikely,_ Kurt answered. _We had our clones search nearly every square inch of that wood, and **nothing**!_

_Maybe we scared it into hiding?_

_Hiding where?_

_Good point._

"S'cuse me," a voice said, tugging on their dress.

Kurt looked down. A little kid, probably about seven, was looking up at them. "Are you one of the shinobi Madam Shizimi hired?"

"Uh, yeah," Kurt said, wondering what this was all about.

The kid pointed to a tree down an alley. "If you're looking for Tora again, he's up there."

Kurt peered at the tree, shading their eyes from the noontime glare. Sure enough, on one of the tree's branches was 'that stupid cat' that they had been looking for all morning.

"Thanks kid," Kurt said, heading for the tree. Then, on impulse, he dug into their pocket and pulled out one of the bills they had received as change from their recent meal. He gave it to the kid. "Here. If you find Tora again the next time he gets lost, tell the suckers they send to find him, okay?"

"Sure!" the kid said, admiring his cash, as Kurt-in-Sakura climbed up the tree and grabbed the annoying feline.

MISSION COMPLETE!

----------------------------------------

Sasuke and Naruto lay collapsed under a tree near where Kakashi was _still_ reading his book. Well, Naruto was collapsed. Sasuke was 'just resting'.

"Rest fast you two," Kakashi said, not looking up from his book. "We still have a mission to complete."

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto wailed. "Have a heart! It's lunch time!"

"We have to complete the mission, Naruto. You know how it is."

"The mission is everything," Sasuke deadpanned.

Naruto gave him a dirty look. "You watch too much Gundam Wing, you know that?"

"Konnichi wa, minna-san!"

The three guys turned to see Kurt-slash-Sakura walking back from town, something hidden behind her back.

"Where have you been?" Sasuke asked sternly.

Shrug. "Having lunch."

"During a mission?" Sasuke's voice was laced with disapproval.

"YOU HAD LUNCH! " Naruto's voice, however was full of envy.

"I suppose you have a good reason for this?" Kakashi said mildly.

"Yup!" Kurt said, pulling Tora from behind her back. "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!"

No one thought to ask whether she had lunch before or after she found Tora.

----------------------------------------

"A class-A mission," Kurt breathed. "That was a class-A mission!"

"What did you expect?" Sasuke said. "That _was_ Madam Shizimi, after all."

Kurt ignored him, still in a sort of trance. "I've never gotten this much money in one go in all my _life_!"

"Don't get used to it," Kakashi said, nose in his book as they headed away from Madam Shizimi's residence. "The only reason we went on this mission is because I got the short string when we drew straws."

Kurt barely heard him. _10 percent! That's a hundred thousand ryou! Oh wow oh wow oh wow!_

_Oh, quit it already! You're getting annoying,_ Sakura said, even though she was also astounded by the amount of money.

_Oh, come on! That'll buy a lot of anime!_

There was a pause.

_One hundred thousand ryou! Anime anime anime!_

_Thought so,_ Kurt said.

----------------------------------------

Later, Kakashi dismissed them, telling them to take the day-off tomorrow. They all immediately went their separate ways, Naruto making a beeline for Ichiraku's, Kakashi going in a puff of smoke, and Sasuke to who-knows-where.

Kurt and Sakura watched them go.

_So, what do **we** do?_ Kurt asked.

_Go home, I guess. You? _Sakura asked.

_Window-shopping. I wanna go look at weapons._

Sakura felt the urge to roll her eyes, if she still had control over them._ You and your weapons._

_I'm a guy. It's natural for us to appreciate objects of harm and mass destruction!_

_Men!_

_You realize Sasuke is a guy, don't you?_

----------------------------------------

Kurt was walking around, humming 'zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay' to himself when a scent caught their nose.

Hey, I know that smell… 

_What happened to looking at 'objects of harm and mass destruction'? _Sakura teased.

Later. I wanna find out where this is coming from… 

_I'll save you a trip. It's from the flower shop Ino's family owns._

_Ino, Ino…_ Kurt mused as they walked. _Peroxide blonde, a bit narcissistic, your number one rival for Sasuke, even though you two used to be good friends?_

_Yeah, that Ino,_ Sakura confirmed. _How do you know?_

_I do watch the anime occasionally on my world._

Sakura wanted to shudder. _Creepy to think that in your world, all this is an anime._

_Hah. In my world, what's happening to us is probably someone's idea of a self-insert._

_Creepy. I like fanfiction as much as the next fan girl, but… actually, if it were happening to someone else, I'd probably enjoy reading this._

There was a pause.

_In case you're curious, lots of people approve of pairing you up with Sasuke._

_YEAH! WOOT!_

_Of course, _Kurt continued, _others want a threesome pairing between you, Ino and Sasuke. Some people want to hook you up with Naruto, others Ino. Actually, you're what some consider a slut._

_WHADDAYA MEAN, SLUT?_

_I mean you can be paired up with anyone. Lee, Neji, Shino, Tenten, Ino, anyone! The only other girl I know who's like that is Hinata. She can be paired up with anyone too._

_Oh,_ Sakura said. _Fine. But I don't like the term 'slut'._

_Me neither. How about, 'open to romance'?_

_Fine._ Pause. _HINATA?_

_Don't ask. Although you might find the Sasuke-Naruto pairers less to your liking than the term 'slut'._

_SASUKE AND NARUTO? THOSE TWO ARE RIVALS!_

_They say that breeds passion._

_OH YUCK! YUCK YUCK YUCK! SASUKE IS MINE, DARN IT!_

----------------------------------------

Sakura went on in that vein for a while as Kurt kept on walking, following their nose to something other than food. Eventually, they ended up at the Yamanaka family's flower shop.

Watcha got there? Sakura asked, ending her tirade. Kurt examined his find. It was a shrub in a pot, with small, droopy white flowers. Back home, he mused, we call this **sampagita**. It's strung up and used to decorate religious icons because of its sweet smell. It's my favorite flower. 

_A boy with a favorite flower? That's new. Are you sure you're not gay?_ Sakura teased.

DEFINITELY SURE! was the response. 

_Okay, I'm kidding. Chill,_ Sakura said. _So why's it your favorite flower?_

_It's scent. It's the only flower I know that has a nice scent._

_I see what you mean,_ the cherry blossom said. _Or rather, I smell what you mean._

"Sakura?" a female voice said. "Is that you?"

They turned around and found themselves face to face with Yamanaka Ino.

_Oh man,_ they chorused.

_Okay, _Kurt said. _You think of what to say, and I'll repeat it verbatim._

_Deal,_ Sakura said.

----------------------------------------

"Hey, Ino! It's been a while!" Sakura said. "How's business?"

Yamanaka Ino: peroxide blonde, Sasuke chaser, flower shopkeeper, genin shinobi and possible anorexic.

"Sakura!" Ino said. "What brings you here?"

"Just finished a mission and wondering how to spend my money, Sakura said.

Ino laughed. "You and your anime. Well, I hear _Galaxy Angels Z_ is out."

Sakura perked up. "Really? Oh, wow! I've been waiting for that!"

The topic stayed in that vein for a while, then shifted over to clothes, which of their jounin sensei was a bigger idiot, and would have continued all afternoon if Ino's mother hadn't told her to come back in.

As soon as Ino was inside, she frowned. Something had been off about Sakura. Watching the cherry-blonde genin's retreating form, she wondered why her on-again-off-again best friend and rival-in-love seemed so different. It was almost like she was a completely different person...

----------------------------------------

_That was close,_ Kurt said as they walked away, suppressing the urge to look back.

_I don't think we fooled her,_ Sakura said.

_You better hope we did. If she finds out about this, she might use the opportunity to move in on Sasuke._

There was a pause.

_You think we fooled her?_ Sakura asked.

_Fairly sure,_ the boy said. _She didn't say anything, anyway, and from what I've heard of her, she's too vocal to hold it in if she suspected something._

_Careful, _Sakura warned. _She might be blonde, but she's not dumb._

_She thinks she has a chance against you with Sasuke, doesn't she?_ Kurt teased.

Another pause.

_You're pretty smooth, you know that?_ Sakura said with a laugh.

----------------------------------------

After a little more wandering, they came to a weapons store that Sakura said had a good reputation with the Konoha shinobis. The fairly good-sized crowd currently browsing and buying its wares reinforced this. Kurt could see that these people, some who appeared to be jounin and even ANBU, were repeat customers. They looked familiar with the merchandise and the merchandiser.

Besides, Kurt found it hard to think anyone was stupid enough to try and sell ninjas faulty or substandard gear.

Kurt browsed the selection of _kunai_, picking some up and hefting them experimentally, testing the balance.

_Tell me again why we're here?_ Sakura asked, sounding bored.

_Look, I'm not as experienced or confident at this ninja thing as you are. I mean, look at me! Today, I forgot we had two **jutsus** perfectly suited for the occasion. What happens if we get attacked? _Kurt said.

_What does this have to do with these weapons you're hoarding?_ Sakura said, feeling the urge to sweatdrop as she looked at how many weapons Kurt was putting in their shopping basket.

_Psychological props,_ the boy said, stuffing three packs of twenty _senbon_ each into a basket. They already had nine _kunai_, a pack of a hundred Exploding Tags, three reams of paper for making your own _Kibaku Fuda_, two large bottles each of three different kinds of none-lethal poisons (pain inducers, paralysis inducers and sleep inducers), their antidotes, books on poison and antidote making, a book on trap making, three twenty-packs of smoke bombs, an equal number of light bombs, none-lethal poison bombs, knockout bombs, five twenty-packs of incendiary bombs, fifty _shuriken_, three rolls of steel string, two twenty-packs of _makibishi_ (Ground Nails), a utility belt with extra large pockets, and six strap-on holsters.

_That's a lot of props,_ Sakura said as they headed for the front counter, followed by the Kage Bunshins they had summoned to carry the other baskets, to much staring from the other customers. _You gonna host a play?_

Kurt sighed. _Can I **please** buy these?_

_I guess you can. Half the money **is** technically yours, after all._

_YES! THANK YOU THANK YOU THNK YOU!_

Reaching the counter, they placed the basket in front of a bug-eyed attendant, directing the Kage Bunshins to do the same. That snapped the attendant out of her trance.

"Okay," she said, typing on the cash register. "We have a ten percent discount since you're buying in bulk, and we provide free home delivery. Would you like to avail?"

"Sure," Kurt said after a hasty conference with Sakura. Handing over the money and scribbling down their address, the two-in-one headed out the door.

Behind them, the attendant sighed and took down Tenten's picture behind her, replacing it with Sakura's as 'Customer of the Month'. Tenten didn't have anything on that girl!

----------------------------------------

Next, Kurt visited a medical supply shop, buying various ointments for burns, rashes and cuts, lots of fruit, chocolate and peanut butter flavored ration bars, and some medicines and antidotes more powerful than what the other shop had.

Walking home, his purchases with them, Kurt began to plan, something he admittedly did not do often, but was still fairly good at.

_I'm going to have to get used to wearing the belt and all seven pouches,_ he mused. _Not to mention memorizing which pouch I put which weapon. And getting used to fighting while carrying all that extra gear, that's important too. And I have to get more practice when it comes to using **kunai** and **shuriken**..._

_So when do you plan on getting started?_ Sakura asked, bemused and curious.

There was a pause.

_Tomorrow!_

Procrastination, however, was something he was well practiced in.

----------------------------------------

Arriving home, the first thing they noticed was the note taped on their door.

_Three guesses on who this is from,_ Kurt said wryly as he opened the note. Sakura laughed

_If you want to learn a new **jutsu**,_ it said, _come to the meeting place and wait for me. If you want to learn two, find me._

Kurt raised an eyebrow at the challenge. Picking up a rock, he threw it into the branches of a tree down the way they came.

There was another pause, then Kakashi appeared in a puff of smoke, rubbing his thigh and looking bemused.

"You're good," he said.

Kurt smiled. "I learned from the best," he said, tapping the side of his head.

_Aww,_ Sakura fawned. _That's so sweet of you._

Kakashi laughed. "Good one. Well, what _jutsus_ to you want me to teach you?"

Kurt thought. "Can you teach me Raikiri?" he asked hopefully.

Sakura wanted to hold her breath. She need not have bothered. Kurt was doing it for them.

Kakashi nodded. "Done. What else?"

Kurt and Sakura both exhaled.

_What do you think?_ Kurt asked Sakura.

_I don't know. After **Raikiri**, what else is there to learn?_

Kurt considered that.

"Would it be too much to ask for you too teach us Suiryuudan no Jutsu?" Kurt asked.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "You asked me if I'd teach you _Raikiri_. If I say yes to that, there's not much I'll say no to."

Kurt and Sakura both had and suppressed the urge to hug the jounin. Instead, they bowed. Repeatedly. "THANK YOU KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

The Jounin scratched his head in embarrassment. "Uh, by the way, a couple of packages arrived for you. I signed for them and took them in."

----------------------------------------

After thanking Kakashi profusely, and inviting him in for dinner (he declined), Kurt began rooting through the gear, searching for the optimum arrangement for all the _kunai_, _shuriken_, _senbon_, _makibishi_, bombs and other stuff.

_You sure are taking this seriously,_ Sakura said, amused as she watched him arranging the weapons into the pouches and the utility belt.

_I'm getting to live my superhero fantasies,_ Kurt said with a laugh. _Excuse me for going a little over the top._

_You're excused,_ Sakura said, laughing as well. _Don't put the makibishi next to the Kibaku Fuda, or else they'll either explode or become useless._

_Oh, thanks,_ Kurt said, moving the ground nails to another pouch.

_You're welcome. Uh, aren't we going to eat any time soon?_

Kurt looked around. The sun was almost all the way down the horizon. It was really dark, and, now that Kurt noticed, their stomach was growling.

_OH FRICK!_

----------------------------------------

The next day, after morning rituals, washing, the accompanying embarrassment of said washing and hygiene-related rituals, and breakfast, Kurt-in-Sakura teleported over to Team Sevens' meeting place.

When they got there, both were surprised, although Kurt less so, to find Kakashi already there.

"I decided to forego your throwing a rock at me," Kakashi said at their raised eyebrow.

"Aww," Kurt pseudo-pouted. "No chances to get more _jutsus_ out of you?"

Kakashi gave him a look. "You still have two to learn, and frankly, I'm getting tired of having things thrown at me."

Kurt smiled cheekily. "Yes, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi felt himself smiling. Crazy kid. "Let's begin."

"HAI!"

----------------------------------------

"Waaaa Hoooo!" Kurt-slash-Sakura yelled as she _Raikiri_-ed a rock, breaking it into itty-bitty bits and pieces later that morning.

Watching her, Kakashi was torn between amusement and sweatdropping. He decided to do both.

Jumping high above the ruins, the boy-in-girl's-body did a couple of seals, and a giant dragon of water crashed down accompanied by a cry of 'Suiryuudan no Jutsu!'.

Kakashi switched completely to sweatdrop. Man, was this kid enthusiastic!

----------------------------------------

_That felt great!_ Kurt said as they practiced _taijutsu_. They had decided now was a good a time as any to get used to the weight of the new gear. After Kakashi had left, and the two-in-one had eaten a quick lunch, they had put on the utility belt and seven all seven strap on holsters, all fully loaded, and started practicing _taijutsu_. Since they were still high from learning and using _Raikiri_, however, their minds weren't completely on what they were doing.

_Yatta!_ Sakura yelled in agreement.

Neither of them noticed the tree until they hit it.

_Owww..._ they both chorused.

_Okay, I better start watching where we're going,_ Kurt said, rubbing their nose where they had hit. _Ouch!_

_Good idea, _Sakura said, feeling like groaning herself.

Older, wiser, pained and humbled, they went back to _taijutsu_...

----------------------------------------

The next day found them at the usual meeting place, pacing again and waiting for Kakashi. Naruto was muttering under his breath about 'the stupid scarecrow' being late again. Sasuke was, as usual, waiting with his usual impassivity, with only a mild crinkling around his eyes to show he was getting annoyed at the blond boy.

_Unbelievable, _Sakura said. _Is he **actually** late today?_

_Looks like it,_ Kurt said, straining their senses and trying to pick up anything. _I don't **think** he's around. He actually **is** late._

_Ah, well, no big whoop. We're used to him being late anyway._

_I guess,_ Kurt said. _Still, I hope everything's all right._

_Ah, you get used to it._

_It's still worrying. The late thing is an illusion he maintains to test you guys. If he really **is** late, something must be off._

As they talked, Kurt became aware of another 'conversation' in progress. One **not **held in silence.

"Where is that guy!" Naruto yelled loudly enough to be heard in the next town and causing roosting birds to fly away in fear. "Is he back to being late again ! "

Sasuke snorted. "Obviously, _dobe_. Did you really expect him to start making a habit of being early?"

Kurt was torn between amazement- that was easily the longest he'd heard Sasuke talk-, amusement- making a habit of being early? Oh, if only they realized!-, and annoyance. It was _way_ too early to be starting this sort of stuff.

Naruto, however, seemed to have decided it was just the right time.

"Don't call me that, Sasuke-bastard!"

Sasuke gave him a look. "Creative. Got any more?"

"Shut up! You think you're all that, just because people say you're a genius, one day, when I'm Hokage, I'm going to have you throw out of the villa- OW!"

This cry was echoed by Sasuke a split second later.

The two boys turned and stared at their other teammate(s?), who was casually bouncing a rock on each palm and looking like she was looking for an excuse to use them.

"Will the two of you SHUT UP! It's WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING for this kind of stuff," she said, calmly and coldly, and quite unlike the way she used to scold with before. The rocks in her hands fell to the ground.

After all…

"You hit Sasuke…" Naruto marveled. Sasuke was also trying to integrate that into his worldview.

"Of course I did," Kurt snapped. "The two of you were getting on my nerves. YOU," pointed at Naruto, "Kakashi's always late. You should be used to that by now. And YOU," point at Sasuke, "Stop baiting him! It was bad enough hearing him bash Kakashi. While annoying, it was tolerable. But NOOO, you just HAD to point out the obvious and set him off, didn't you!"

"And YOU," point at a tree a little way off, "WOULD IT KILL YOU WEAR A WRISTWATCH ! OR AT LEAST TELL US IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE! THAT'S THE POLITE THING TO DO!"

There was a pause, followed by Sakura- no, it was definitely Kurt, Naruto was pretty sure he would never forget now- taking a couple of deep breaths. "Sorry about that," she apologized. "Too little sleep last night. Still, that's no excuse for poor behavior."

A wan smile. "Come on out, Kakashi-sensei! I promise not to bite."

Behind his tree, Kakashi wasn't so sure about that.

----------------------------------------

Kakashi coughed, not sure it was time to break the embarrassed silence. Kurt was looking _very_ embarrassed, staring at the ground, fidgeting, and looking generally uncomfortable. Naruto and Sasuke were giving her sideways looks, as if waiting for her to blow again.

Ahh, well, now was as good a time as any.

Cough. "Alright. We have a mission today."

At this, Naruto's eyes turned to Kakashi, his usual 'eager-for-a-mission' look in his eyes.

"A bear seems to be terrorizing one of the outlying villages. We've been asked to do something about it. Pack your things, it's going to be a while."

Kurt raised her hand a bit timidly in the air. "How long is this mission expected to go?"

Kakashi shrugged. "A day to get there, another to get back, the time needed for the mission, it should take about three days, maybe four."

Kurt nodded. "Thank you, sir."

"Wahoo! We're going on a mission, we're going on a mission, we're going on a mission," Naruto began to chant.

Sasuke gave him the 'annoyed, but offence not yet worth killing for' look.

Kurt sighed.

Cough. "Okay. Get packed, and meet me at the north gate in thirty minutes. Dismissed."

Kurt made a few quick seal, and was gone.

----------------------------------------

_I can't believe you hit SASUKE!_ Sakura yelled as Kurt filled their backpack with clothes, supplies, the medical kit, the book on trap making, and as many of the stuff they bought yesterday as he could fit in. _Sasuke! What must he think of me! _

_Nothing,_ Kurt said, exasperated, as he proceeded to seal up the backpack. _He knows it was **me **doing all that, so you're off the hook._

_That's not the point!_ Sakura practically shrieked. **_YOU HIT SASUKE!_**

_Will you shut up about that, or will I have to tell him about the shrine of him you have in you closet? _Kurt said irritably as he made sure the house was secure and could stand being unoccupied for four days.

_You wouldn't dare!_ was the aghast reply.

Give it a rest, and I won't! 

----------------------------------------

A short time later, the four- technically five- of them were on the road. Naruto had finally shut up a few miles back, before Sasuke could decide the offence was worth killing over. Kakashi, as usual, was reading his book, seemingly oblivious to the road ahead.

Naruto was thinking of how long before they could eat.

Sasuke was thinking of what it would take to get this mission done faster so he could get back to training so he could kill Itachi. A non-fratricide-obsessed part of his brain informed the rest that he could let his guard down a little, since Sakura didn't seem to be trying to make a move on him. It was promptly sent a memo telling it about the guy-in-Sakura's-body thing, and it went away complaining about never being in the loop.

Still, it was right, Sasuke mused, glancing at the two in one out of the corner of his eye. They'd been awfully quiet since the meeting. Things seemed so peaceful, now that Sakura wasn't hitting on him.

Strange how hollow that made him feel. Could he possibly _miss_ it?

Hmmm…

NAH!

----------------------------------------

Meanwhile, the two in one were still arguing.

-_never, ever, under any circumstance, HIT SASUKE! _Sakura.

WOULD YOU STOP OBSESSING OVER THAT! Kurt. I AM NOT OBSESSING! 

_YES, YOU ARE!_

_NO, I'M NOT!_

_YES, YOU ARE!_

_AM NOT!_

_AM SO!_

_AM NOT!_

AM SO! 

And they went on like that for the next couple of hours. When you don't have to say the words out loud, this kind of senseless non-repartee was easy to maintain for a long period of time.

----------------------------------------

It was almost lunch before one of them called a halt to it.

_Okay, shut up!_ Sakura said.

_AM S- oh, okay,_ Kurt said.

_Let's just agree to disagree,_ Sakura continued.

_Fair enough,_ the boy responded.

Silence.

_Isn't it about time for lunch?_ Kurt asked.

Sakura wanted to hang her head and sigh. _GAHHH! You're as bad as Naruto!_

_I'm a growing boy!_

_You're not doing any growing in **this** body!_

_Yes, ma'am._

"Hey, Kurt," Naruto said, interrupting the 'conversation'. "You hungry?"

"Starved," was the reply. "But we still have a long way to go."

"Not even a little bit hungry?" Naruto pleaded.

"We're on a mission, Naruto."

"NOT YOU TOO!"

----------------------------------------

By the time they reached a roadside restaurant for lunch, Naruto was at the stage where he was saying he 'couldn't go any further'. That abruptly changed when he spotted the restaurant, and was up and running before you knew it.

A slight smile tugged at Sakura's feature, currently being used by someone else. "My, my, he sure loves his food."

Sasuke snorted in agreement. "Any meal is the most important meal for the _dobe_."

Raised eyebrow. "Are you actually talking to me? My, that's a first."

Sasuke said nothing.

Shrug. "Ah, well, it was too good for Sakura to last."

By the time they arrived at the restaurant, Naruto was already pigging out on his primary food source: ramen.

Kakashi looked at him briefly over his book. "Don't you ever eat anything else, Naruto?"

Naruto shook his head, not stopping his food vacuuming. "NOPE! Ramen is the best food in the world."

Kurt smirked. "I don't know about best, but it is close. OI! Two more beef ramens over here, please!"

It was her turn to be looked at by Sasuke and Kakashi.

Another shrug. "What? I'm hungry."

----------------------------------------

After lunch, which despite the large quantities of food consumed was a leisurely affair, the four- technically five- set off on the road again. Kurt was humming something that none of the others recognized, occasionally moving her head from side to side to the nameless tune. Sasuke was, as usual, staring straight ahead, occasionally scanning the forests to either side, but other than that, was focused on the upcoming mission with Heero Yuy-like intensity. Naruto was walking jauntily along, satisfied about being full, a satisfaction his three original teammates suspected would only last another fifteen minutes.

So they're walking…

And walking…

More walking…

Walking some more…

----------------------------------------

"BORING!" Peorth, Xellos and Toltiir chorused.

"I know," Death grumbled, pressing a button on a remote control that looked suspiciously like a faucet. "FAST FORWARD!"

There we go.

----------------------------------------

A little bit after nightfall found our shinobi team at an inn. After a long day of mindless walking- literally mindless in Naruto's case- dinner was being served in the private room the team had secured.

"Whoa," Kurt said, raising an eyebrow over the selection of food. "Big spread."

"FOOD! YAY!"

Guess who.

"Hmph."

Again, guess who.

_Such scintillating conversationalists,_ Kurt observed wryly as he started loading up on food, their mouth slightly twisted into a half-smile.

_Ah, they're always like that, _Sakura said, eagerly awaiting the food so that their mutual hunger could be appeased.

_Not much for conversation?_ Kurt asked as he started to eat.

_Not Sasuke, anyway. Naruto talks, but only between gorgings, and only about the food. Kakashi-sensei..._

_Reads while eating, _Kurt noted wryly. Indeed, the jounin was eating one-handed, his precious book high above the table and safely away from the foods' splatter zones. _**That**, I can relate to. Which reminds me..._

Dipping into the strap-on pouch/holster on their left thigh, Kurt pulled out the book on trap making and, laying it carefully next to them on the floor, started to read.

_Why are you reading that? _Sakura asked.

_It might be useful. We have to take care of a wild bear. I really don't think it's a good idea to confront it directly, _Kurt replied, turning to the chapter on animal traps.

Gradually, however, Sakura began to notice a smell that had nothing to do with the food. Kurt, entranced by two of his favorite things in the world- food and books- didn't notice.

_Hey, K-boy! You smell that?_

_Hmm? Smell what?_ the boy said, still reading and eating.

_Smell** that**!_

Glancing up from the book, Kurt sniffed. _Oh. That. It's just sweat. We've been walking all day, so it's to be expected._

_But if Naruto-kun and Kakashi-sensei smell like that, think of how **we**... well, we have been walking around with seven holsters, a utility belt and an over packed backpack. We must reek!_

Pause. _Why did you have to pack so much, anyway?_ Sakura asked.

_I'd rather have it and not need it, than need it and not have it, _the boy explained. _That, and I'm a pack rat._

_So I see._

_Was that your roundabout way of proposing we take a bath?_

Pause. _Unfortunately._

Sigh. _It's things like this that **really** make me hate hygiene._

----------------------------------------

After dinner, Kurt set off to look for the innkeeper. Asking for directions to the bathing area, which was helpfully provided, Kurt was about to go when a thought came to him.

"Are there any other guests besides my team and I?" Kurt asked the innkeeper.

The innkeeper thought briefly. "Why, yes! I believe another team arrived while you were having dinner."

_Uh oh. Potential trouble,_ Kurt thought.

_Huh? I don't follow,_ Sakura said.

"Was there a girl with them?" Kurt asked. "I might know her."

"Oh, yes," the old innkeeper said. "There was a young girl with them, a shy young thing with lavender hair. One of her teammates seemed very protective of her. And their sensei was a woman, if I remember correctly."

Kurt nodded. "I know those people. Thanks for the help."

As they walked away from the innkeeper, Kurt began to sweat. _Kurenai and Hinata. Oh boy..._

_What's the big deal?_ asked Sakura.

_The big deal is, public baths!_

_So?_

_I'm a guy!_

There was another pause. _Oh. Forgot about that. Yup, you're definitely in trouble. _

Just then, Kurenai breezed past, her wet hair in a towel and wearing robe.

_Okay, that gets rid of Kurenai,_ Kurt thought in relief. _No need to worry about **her** being in the baths._

Sakura burst out laughing.

_What's so funny?_ the boy asked.

_You, _Sakura chortled. _You could have taken a peek at Kurenai-sensei, a chance a lot of men, and probably a few women, would give their left arms for, and you're just glad you won't to look at her in the bath!_

Kurt looked at their reflection in a nearby mirror, a look of annoyance on their face. It was the closest he could get to directing it at Sakura. _For your information, not all guys are single-minded seekers of womanly flesh. I don't touch you any more than necessary when we're taking a bath, do I? And if I have to, I try to keep a towel between things. Heck, I try not to even **look**. Granted, I'm not completely successful, but I manage not to look at the spots where women always cover, don't I? Although there are those times when I have to tou... that is... I mean...it's unavoidable when...um..._

_You don't have to say it,_ Sakura said, embarrassed as well. _I get it._

Sakura felt herself shrink a little at the talk. And it _was_ a talk, not a lecture or a rant, just a simple statement of historical facts. _Sorry,_ she said. _What I said was unfair to you._

_Oh, don't get me wrong. I'd probably enjoy looking at her in the bath as much as the next guy. It just wouldn't be right, though. Even if she **does** have a great figure._

Sakura laughed. _Nice to know you're a normal, healthy male._

_Hey, it's only natural for the two genders to be interested in the other's anatomy. Why else would you have that swim trunk picture of Sasuke in your closet?_

_You just **had** to bring that up…_ Sakura groused.

----------------------------------------

Standing outside the changing area of the baths, Kurt took a deep breath. Then another. And another.

_Is there any use hoping they have a shower?_ he asked.

Absolutely none, Sakura said. Crud. 

Making a mutual sigh, they entered the changing area. From the guy's side, they could hear Naruto talking- arguing? Really hard to tell with those two- to Sasuke, who occasionally responded in his usual well-modulated tones. Well-modulated as in 'calculated to drive Naruto into a frenzy'.

Kurt shook their head as they grabbed a towel. _Those guys. They remind of my brothers._

_You have brothers?_ Sakura asked, surprised.

_I don't want to talk about it,_ Kurt said, not unkindly.

_Oh. Okay_.

They left it at that.

Kurt glanced around. Sure, it _looked_ like they were alone, but hey, this was a world of ninjas he was in. Taking a lot of _shuriken _from one of their pouches, he began to throw it into the corners of the ceiling, then worked on the edges where wall and ceiling met.

_Uh, what are you doing?_ Sakura wanted to sweatdrop.

_Checking for perverts._

_Oh. Go right ahead._

After a while of this, Kurt, satisfied that there was no one hidden close-by watching them, began to undo the pouches/holsters they were wearing.

_That's a lot of stuff we have,_ Sakura said as Kurt stuffed the six pouches and the utility belt into one of the slots for clothes on the wall.

_Better safe than sorry,_ he said. Taking a couple of exploding tags, he placed them on all the seems of the openings into the room.

Satisfied that there was no possible way in without causing a really big bang- and kinda disappointed there were no more excuses to procrastinate- Kurt sighed, and began to strip down...

----------------------------------------

Death turned off the Well.

"HEY!" Xellos and Toltiir said.

"Both of you, out," she said, thumbing a direction away from the couch.

"Oh, come on! It was getting good." Xellos complained.

Peorth sighed, and summoned her angel, La Rose Magnifique. "Rose, be a dear and throw these gentlemen out."

Rose gave a jaunty salute.

BOP!

BOP!

Dusting her hands, Rose disappeared.

"Okay, turn it back on," Peorth said, munching on a big bowl of caramel popcorn.

"You know, all that sugar is going to kill you," Death said.

----------------------------------------

Moving quickly, methodically, and in some cases, blind, Kurt quickly stripped them down, then as quickly wrapped them in a towel. Only then did he open their eyes.

Gathering up their clothes, he placed their clothes into the same slot with their weapons- there was _just_ enough room- then took down all the _Kibaku Fuda_.

Standing before to the girl's side bath, Kurt took another deep breath. With trembling hands, he slid open the doors to what most guys regarded as forbidden territory…

----------------------------------------

_Ahh…_ the two minds chorused.

_Always wanted to know what the big deal about these kinds of baths was,_ Kurt said, eyes closed.

_And now you know,_ Sakura said, enjoying their soak.

For a moment, the two enjoyed their soak in silence.

_So there's really no way you'd peak at anyone in the bath?_ Sakura asked.

_Are you still on that?_ Kurt said, slightly irritated. _Yes, there's no way I'd **ever** peak at anyone in the bath. Maybe if I was married to them, but that's never happening…_

He paused for a moment, letting that sink in, then continued. _And besides, do you** really **want that kind of pervert in your head?_

Sakura giggled nervously. _Guess not. Otherwise, I would have probably been groped by myself a lot by now._

Kurt chuckled too. _It sounds weird when you put it that way. How can someone grope themselves? Is that even grammatically correct?_

Sakura laughed too. _No idea. I just said it as it came to mind. _

As the two minds laughed, there was a noticeable change in the tone and volume of the 'conversations' next door.

Kurt and Sakura quieted down, listening. They could hear the words 'dog boy', '_dobe'_, 'idiot', and 'loser' being used a lot.

_Looks like Kiba and Naruto have found out they're in the same inn,_ Sakura noted wryly.

_Kiba's the one with the dog, right?_ Kurt asked.

_Yeah. Just don't say that to his face. He gets really pissed at people who call Akamaru a dog._

_How **does** he want Akamaru referred to?_

_The accepted way is 'best friend'. _

_Ah, the bond between a boy and his... 'best friend'._

The two shared another laugh.

It promptly died when they felt someone on the other side of the door to their bath.

_OH FRICK!_ Kurt exclaimed, turning their back to the door, moving as far away from it as possible, and closing their eyes. Their head was the only thing visible above the water.

_What are you doing?_ Sakura asked, amused. _It's probably only Hinata._

_Exactly! **GUY**, remember! _

_Oh, yeah..._

Before they could say anything else, they heard the door open and felt someone enter. Her steps were hesitant, as if not sure she should be there.

_Yup, definitely Hinata,_ Sakura said.

_Oh frick..._ Kurt repeated, whimpering.

"Sakura-san...? Is that you...?" Hinata asked, sounding as hesitant as her steps had implied.

_Answer her! _Sakura said. _If she thinks you're ignoring her, she'll be hurt!_

_What if she's not wearing anything?_ Kurt asked, slightly panicked.

_Oh please! This is Hinata we're talking about! She'll be too shy to get in the water unless we weren't looking._

Sigh.

Turning around slowly, and trying to make it look natural, Kurt turned their head. Once he had ascertained out of the corner of their eye that Hinata was covered, he turned all they way, raising a hand above the water in greeting. "Hey, Hinata-chan! Come on in! The water's fine."

_'The water's fine'?_ Sakura repeated, amused.

_Help me here!_ Kurt said.

_Okay, okay, okay. Man, you'd think you'd never talked to a girl before._

_Let's just say I have worse-than-Sasuke-level social skills._

_Ouch. Hovering just above absolute zero, huh?_

_You're actually admitting Sasuke has a flaw?_

_His only problem,_ Sakura sniffed. _You want my help with Hinata or not?_

_Please advice me, _Kurt begged.

_Hmm... I will, but only when you need it. You seem to do fine on your own._

_Oh, COME ON!_

_Hinata's waiting..._

_UGH!_

Since this was a mental conversation, they were able to fit all this in the time it took for Hinata to react to their comment.

Hinata blushed cutely, looking self-conscious. "U-um, u-uh, w-will you p-please turn a-around?"

"Sure Hinata-chan," Kurt said, obliging.

There was the rustle of cloth, followed by a light splash, the waves from the entry into the water reaching the two-in-one and causing their long hair to ripple in the liquid. "Can I turn around now?"

"O-okay," they heard Hinata say.

When they turned around, Kurt was slightly amused to find that Hinata also had water up to her neck. Apparently, he wasn't the only one with... ah, _visibility_ issues.

"Water sure feels nice, doesn't it?" Kurt said, trying to make the girl- other girl: _UGH!_- feel more relaxed.

Hinata nodded meekly. "Y-yes, it i-is nice…"

"So how'd your mission go?" he asked. "I take it you're going _back_ to Konoha…?"

Hinata nodded, her eyes looking at the water. "We had to help this village get their potato crop in."

"Hm. Lucky you. We have to help one get rid of this wild bear."

"Oh dear!" Hinata said, clasping her hands over her mouth in shock, surprise or worry, it was hard to say. Probably all three. "I h-hope n-none of y-you get h-hurt."

"Occupational hazard," Kurt said, waving it away casually.

Then followed a silence that was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable, but seeming the mix both. The only sounds were Naruto and Kiba bickering next door. Apparently, the blond boy had accused Akamaru of shedding in the water, which Kiba was hotly denying.

"I wonder why no one's breaking those two up," Kurt mused, amused at the epithets the two were hurling at each other.

"S-sasuke-san and S-shino-k-kun probably d-don't want to g-get involved," Hinata said, blushing demurely at the mention of the kyuubi-boy.

"Well, they better do something, cause sooner or later, they'll become accomplices to murder for not interfering," he said, directing a look in the general direction of the voices, one that was a mix of exasperation and amusement.

Hinata promptly got a worried look on her face.

----------------------------------------

The rest of the bath passed comfortably. To his surprise, Kurt was actually able to talk to Hinata with no help at all from Sakura, who just hung back, amused at the interaction. That the current driver of their body was acting like her was fun to watch. He'd obviously been paying attention to her speech patterns and personality. It was hard not to, after all, what with her constantly being in his head. Or was it him in her head?

They left the bath shortly after Hinata, again taking anti-pervert countermeasures at the changing anteroom. Feeling cleaned, cooled, refreshed and full, they went to the room assigned to them, dragging their gear across the floor behind them.

A little while later, however, they were still awake. Kurt, having grown used to Sakura's bed, was having trouble falling asleep, which meant Sakura had trouble falling asleep. Sure, her mind could 'sleep' while he and their body were awake, but for that to happen, she had to be asleep in the first place, which could only happen if their body fell asleep. Which could only happen if _Kurt_ fell asleep. Something that currently wasn't happening.

Hence, they had a problem.

_Would you just go to sleep already!_ Sakura berated him, her voice giving him- and by extension, _them_- a headache.

_I'm trying! I just have a lot of trouble sleeping on by back,_ he argued back.

Then get off it! 

_As much as I'd like to, sleeping on our front will be **way** more distracting._

_Sleep on your side!_

_We'll get a crick in our neck!_

_ARGG!_

----------------------------------------

The next day was no picnic. The two-in-one were practically asleep on their feet for the first few hours of walking. After running in to a couple of trees, to much sweatdropping and amusement of the rest of the team, however, they finally got the sand out of their eyes.

No one said anything for the duration of the walk, with the exception of Naruto, who in his usual over-_genki _way was expounding on what a nice day it was. Sasuke, naturally, had his 'considering killing' look on his face, and seemed to be seriously thinking of ending the Uzumaki line then and there.

Kurt considered Naruto lucky to have lived to reach their destination. It was a little thing, about twenty houses clustered together, surrounded by fields and other means of livelihood. These means apparently did very well, if the village could afford to hire ninja.

"Alright," Kakashi said once they had dropped off their stuff. "The bear was last seen at the woods to the north of here. Our job is to find it and get rid of it. Get going."

With that, he pulled out his book and sat down to read.

Kurt's eyebrow twitched. _He did say 'our job', right?_

_Yeah,_ Sakura said, _but he really means **our** job._

_Figures._

They weren't the only ones complaining. Sasuke had the closest thing to a dirty look on his face as he regarded Kakashi, while Naruto was publicly bawling him out.

Sighing- Naruto was starting to give them a headache- Kurt rapped him on the head. "Get a move on. You should be used to this sort of stuff by now."

"Ouch!" Naruto said, whimpering. "Sakura-chan…"

"That's Kurt-kun to you. I'm just taking notes from Saky's book."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "'Saky'?"

"Let's just get to work!"

----------------------------------------

"So what do you think of her?" Naruto asked Sasuke later as they searched the forest. Uchiha usually- any time he could finagle it, actually- went alone, but the blond had sought him out.

"Hm," was the eloquent reply.

Naruto gave him a look, the kind the goes 'what are you_ really_ thinking'. "That's it? That's all you have to say?"

Sasuke gave him an annoyed look. "What do you want me to say?"

"An opinion, a comment, anything, for crying out loud! She's annoying, she's loud, any of the things you usually say!"

Sasuke was silent.

Naruto gave him another look, concentrated this time. "You don't think she's annoying anymore?"

Sasuke shrugged.

"Not loud?"

"**You're** loud, _dobe_."

Naruto, in a rare instance of self-restraint, decided to ignore that. "So you have nothing bad to say about her?"

Sasuke gave him an annoyed look. "I think she's doing a good job."

"**_Sakura_**?"

"No, Kurt."

----------------------------------------

At another part of the forest…

_So how do you find a wild bear?_ Kurt asked rhetorically, as they bounced from tree to tree, scanning the ground. _Wave raw meat around 'til he comes for it?_

_Technically,_ Sakura said, _**we're** raw meat._

_Please don't remind me._

Settling on a particularly high tree branch, they considered their options.

_Well, I didn't work with Tora, but maybe it'll work **this** time,_ Kurt mused.

_Go for it,_ Sakura encouraged.

A few seals later…

----------------------------------------

Naruto's eyebrow twitched in irritation as watched the mass of pink-haired bunshin scouring the woods around him. She'd stolen his schnicht again! **_HE_** was the mad-cloner in this group, darn it!

Beside him, Sasuke said nothing. Still, an approving smile threatened to break out on his face.

----------------------------------------

Hours later, Kakashi was still reading in his spot. He didn't look up when Kurt-Sakura ran past screaming. Didn't even twitch when, to much panicking of the townsfolk, a bear ran roaring past, running after the pink-haired kunoichi-and-boy. Didn't so much as bat an eyelash when Sasuke and Naruto ran past, the latter waving his _kunai _around.

Makes you wonder how he lived to be jounin.

----------------------------------------

**- To be continued...**

----------------------------------------

A/N: AND CUT!

Sorry it took so long, there was a lot of stuff I had to put in, then I decided that, if I wanted to ever post this chap, this was a good point as any to stop. Sorry if it's not up to my usual standard. Hope this'll hold you guys for a while. Expect longer delays between posts.

Naruto and Sasuke aren't getting that Kakashi is always hanging around waiting for them to detect him. They just think he's being abnormally early.

I'm assuming that the ninja's who participate on a mission get paid by commission when they accomplish it, otherwise the ninja's they go up against later wouldn't be so mercenary. I'm also assuming that, since Madam Shizimi is the one calling, they put looking for Tora under class-A missions. If not, well, let me get away with this one.

Sasuke as a Gundam Wing fan. Feasible. I can just see him modeling himself after that show's trigger-happy, cold-as-ice numero-uno Gundam pilot.

As for the 'slut' comments, that's a result of a discussion I overheard that some people in the club I'm in were having earlier this semester. SERIOUSLY. They were talking about how Sakura and Hinata were so easy to pair up with anyone in the anime, even Orochimaru! -_UGH!- They_ were the ones who used the term 'slut'.

I do not malign the SasuNaru-ists. I just thought it would be interesting to write Sakura's reaction to that point of view.

My take on Sakura and Ino's relationship is that they're kind of like Betty and Veronica: good friends until you throw Sasuke into the mix. When that happens: CAT FIGHT!

Water Release · Water Dragon Blast Skill Suiton · Suiryuudan no Jutsu: A high-level water skill, which creates a dragon made of water. This technique appears to be more effective when the user is near a large body of water. Thanks to for this info.

Yes, the learning curve is completely non-existent in this fic. For those who need a reason: 'two heads are better than one'.

As for the bath scene, don't worry people, I have no plans like _that_ for Hinata. I leave her to Naruto, if he ever notices.

To **paccificgir**l: Thanks for the review! Hope you like this chapter as well.

To **animewatcher**: Yeah, SI's don't usually happen like this. It's more common that the SI-ee either, a) gets transported to anime land, b) finds his world is either a crossover or part of a single series, c) makes a wish, or d) ends up in the body of his/her favorite character. In most cases, the SI-ee ends up becoming absurdly powerful and so near omniscient, no one can beat him/her. At least, that's the impression I get from reading the few good SI's I could find. Here, my SI-ee has to deal with the body's original owner. I might do the power bit, but not overdo it. Making a character strong enough to beat all obstacles makes the story stale, unless it's a character study, and no one is going to read an SI for _that_.

To **Arora HickoryEye**: alright, I will! Am I really the first? Aw, that's so sweet… and very ego boosting.

I hereby dedicate this chapter to the three of you, my first three reviewers.

Please review, C&C welcome. Heck, even flames are welcome. That means at least it's being read, if not liked.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	5. Out Of The Closet

Death blinked, looking around the area around Mimir's Well.

"Hey," she said. "Where is everybody?"

POP!

A note appeared in midair.

_Dear Death,_ it said, _Can't come today, have to show up for this dub session. Xellos._

POP!

Another note.

_Have to work overtime. Sorry. Peorth._

POP!

Death sweatdropped as she grabbed the third note.

_At a party in Faerun. Wish you were here. Toltiir._

Death pouted cutely. "Aww! It's no fun to watch alone!"

----------------------------------------

The sun hung low over the sky as Sasuke handed her a bouquet of flowers. Standing underneath the shadow of a cherry tree, its blossoms raining around them, Sakura inhaled deeply their scent.

"Oh, Sasuke..." she said looking up at him. Love shown in his eyes, and she knew such joy.

"Sakura," he said, touching her cheek in a soft caress. "Oh, Sakura, I love you so much! Your hair, your eyes, oh Sakura, say you'll be mine?"

She stared in his eyes, which were devoid of their usual coolness. "Oh yes, Sasuke! Yes, YES! I will be your Lady Uchiha!"

"Oh Sakura!"

"Sasuke...!"

The delicate flowers were crushed as they came together, their lips seeking each other. Kissing passionately, their hands roamed each other's bodies, their tongues locked in mortal combat.

"Oh Sasuke..." she moaned as Sasuke broke their kiss and started to nibble on her ears.

_Sakura..._

"Oh Sasuke!" she gasped as he moved lower, down to the hollow at the base of her neck, his hands holding her close.

_Sakura...!_

"Oh, Sasuke!" Sakura moaned in ecstasy as the Uchiha began to nuzzle her chest, one hand moving up her leg and under her dress, the other reaching up to undo her zipper.

_HARUNO SAKURA, WOULD YOU **PLEASE WAKE UP THIS MINUTE!**_

POP!

----------------------------------------

The Cursed Log Book 1:

Kurt-kun In Konoha

by Shadow Crystal Mage

5th Incident: Out Of The Closet...

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, someone else does (and he or she can keep it for all I care!). Neither do I own Ah! My Goddess, the Endless, Norse mythology, or Slayers.

----------------------------------------

Coming to, Sakura became aware that they were in front of the mirror in her room. Kurt was directing an annoyed stare at their reflection.

_About time you woke up,_ Kurt said, glaring harder at their reflection.

_What was that for? _Sakura growled. _I was having a nice-_

_I **know** what you were having,_ he interrupted. _A Sasuke-tasy. Look, I'm an adaptable guy, but I have my limits. A girl's body, I can adapt to. A **horny** girl's body, no way!_

Pause.

_Wait a minute,_ Sakura said. _How did **that** happen?_

_Apparently, you can affect your body in REM sleep. I've noted it a couple of times. The effect is usually mild, so it must have been **some** dream you were having._

Kurt's voice had become amused at the end of the paragraph, and he was now smirking at their reflection.

_Oh,_ Sakura said in a small 'voice'. _-sigh- Did you really have to interrupt me? It was getting **good!**_

_Yes,_ Kurt said firmly.

Another pause.

_Why are we in front of the mirror? _Sakura asked.

_It was the closest thing to glaring at you I could get._

_Ah._

----------------------------------------

_Are you getting tired of microwave lasagna every morning? _Kurt asked as he took out said food from the microwave.

_Nope,_ Sakura said. _You?_

_HECK NO!_ he said, speed eating through the pasta. _If I were Naruto, then this is my ramen._

_Same here,_ Sakura said, wanting to shake her head at the speed breakfast had been consumed. _If I didn't know better, I'd say you just inhaled the stuff._

_I don't like wasting time,_ Kurt replied as he washed the dishes.

Gathering their gear, he made a final check.

_Pouch one, two, three, four, five and six, check. Belt, check. Hitai-ate, check. Keys and wallet, check. I guess that's everything._

_Onward to Sasuke!_ Sakura said.

_I knew we shouldn't have watched that anime last night,_ Kurt muttered as he made the seals. **Man**, this _jutsu_ was useful.

----------------------------------------

Two hours later...

_Nowhere!_ Kurt said._ He actually **is** late this time! I think we should worry. The last time this happened, we ended up being chased by a bear._

Sakura shuddered at the reminder.

The sun was already well on it's way up, and still no Kakashi. Naruto, who had run out of things to call him, had gone off to eat some ramen. Sakura had voiced the opinion that the kyuubi-boy would get back before their sensei got here.

So for the moment, it was just them and Sasuke. A little over a month ago, Sakura would have been in conniptions of joy and Sasuke would have been getting ultra-annoyed. Now, however, Sakura was mourning another wasted opportunity to ask Sasuke out, and Sasuke was actually... relaxed, for want of a better term. At first glance, there was nothing different about him, but on closer inspection, his features weren't as tense as they used to be. Sakura said it was because she was around him alone. Kurt countered it was because she hadn't pestered him for a date for a month.

When Naruto popped up again around nine-thirty, Kakashi was still not-so-mysteriously absent. The blond, apparently still in a good mood from his eating session, said nothing, just grumbled under his breath and sat down.

Finally...

"Nice of you to show up, Kakashi-sensei," Kurt said dryly as the jounin finally appeared, another two hours later.

"Uh, well, you see, there was this chicken in my bathroom-" Kakashi said.

"WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT!" Naruto interrupted, his good mood having vanished an hour and fifty-six minutes ago.

"So what's the mission of the day, Kakashi-sensei?" Kurt asked, talking over the ranting boy.

Kakashi coughed, and muttered something about having it seen to. "Right, the mission," he said, promptly causing Naruto to shut up. "We've been hired for guard duty. A merchant train has asked us escort their vehicles against bandits."

"We have to protect a whole merchant train?" Kurt said, astonished. "Isn't that asking a bit too much? We're only four people, after all. Well, five, but I'm counting bodies."

_Thanks for the vote,_ Sakura muttered.

"We're not going alone," Kakashi said, clarifying. "The merchants have asked for four teams to accompany them. This is a class-C mission, but hey, it's their money."

"FOUR TEAMS!" Kurt and Naruto chorused, but for different reasons.

"That's outrageous!" Naruto said. "I, the great ninja and future Hokage Uzumaki Naruto, am perfectly capable of carrying out this mission without help!"

Kurt gave him a sideways glance. "May I remind you just who found Tora and the bear on our last two missions?"

"But still-" Naruto said.

"Still, nothing! There's no way you can do a mission like this without help! Kage Bunshin can only be spread so thin," Kurt interrupted.

_Got that right, _Sakura muttered.

"Why did _you_ have a violent reaction?" Sasuke asked, his first official words of the day.

"It means we'll have to work with people, which will eventually mean socializing," Kurt said with a sigh.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "This will be a mission, not a picnic. There won't be any socializing involved."

Kurt gave him a knowing, if slightly resigned, smile. "Sounds good in theory, but take it from someone who's tried to make that theory work: you're dead wrong."

Kakashi coughed again. "Anyway, we leave in an hour. Pack your bags, this mission will take us at least a week, possibly two."

_Thanks for the warning,_ Sakura said sarcastically as they were dismissed.

_Be nice,_ Kurt joked as they teleported back to their house. Yup, you just gotta **love **that _jutsu_.

----------------------------------------

Thirty-five minutes later, their backpack repacked, this time with more clothes, Sakura and Kurt waited by the north gate, where Kakashi had told them to go. Outside said gate, a bunch of wagons were waiting, obviously their assignment.

_Where are those guys! _Kurt muttered irritably. _Don't tell me they decided to pull a Kakashi!_

_What, they're somewhere nearby waiting to see if we'll detect them? _Sakura joked.

_You know what I mean,_ Kurt said. _It's behavior like this that gives guys a bad name._

_It **is** strange for Sasuke to be late,_ Sakura said. _I hope nothing's happened to him._

As if that were a cue, Sasuke appeared, with Ino glomped on to his arm. Behind them, Chouji, Naruto and Shikamaru followed. All of them were packed with bags, although Chouji seemed to be carrying Ino's gear.

The effect, in Sakura anyway, was immediate.

_Ino-pig! Get your hands off **my **Sasuke! _Sakura raged.

_She can't hear you,_ Kurt pointed out. Sakura ignored him as she kept on ranting, giving Kurt an inside view at the workings of 'Inner Sakura'.

----------------------------------------

Shikamaru, though a genius, wasn't exactly a philosopher. He had few basic beliefs in life. It would be bad to die on a mission. There is always time to watch the clouds. Work is too troublesome. It was too troublesome to raise a fuss over anything. And Ino, Sakura and Sasuke in the same general area usually meant troublesome trouble.

So the minute he saw Sakura, he cringed inside, expecting the usual nuclear detonation.

He didn't get it.

"About time you guys got here," Sakura said, talking to Naruto and Sasuke. "I was afraid you two had pulled a Kakashi."

Shikamaru swore he saw Sasuke's mouth twitch ever so slightly. "We were only a bit delayed."

"So I see," Sakura said dryly, her eyes lingering for a moment on Ino. "Well, no harm done. I take it they're one of the other teams on this mission?"

"Apparently," Sasuke replied in the same dry voice.

Shikamaru's jaw dropped. Chouji, while not exactly interested in the local gossip, knew enough of things to nearly choke on his food in astonishment. Ino was speechless, looking frozen on Sasuke's arm and glancing continuously between Sasuke, Sakura and back. None of them noticed Naruto snickering.

Shikamaru checked the skies. His precious clouds were still there, the sky beyond wasn't green, there were no flying pigs in sight and no meteors seemed about to drop and End The World. Of course, it could be snowing in hell, but there was no way to know for sure. Still, he was pretty sure something **_really_** wrong was going on.

Then he shrugged. Too troublesome to worry about it. Still, it nagged at the back of his mind.

----------------------------------------

A little while later, Ino was still glomped to Sasuke's arm, though he bore it stoically. Sakura had settled down under a tree to read a book, not even looking at Ino and Sasuke. Chouji had gone back to eating and Naruto had run off to buy instant ramen. Apparently, there was still room in his pack. Shikamaru was watching clouds, although every so often his eyes would flicker to Ino, Sasuke and Sakura, as if watching a bomb whose clock had stalled but could still finish the countdown any minute. Every so often, he'd scan the rest of the skies for celestial warnings, such as said flying pigs, meteors, dragons eating the sun, etc.

Ino was watching Sakura suspiciously as Naruto returned and began rearranging his pack. All the amity she had shown a few days ago was gone. That had been during peacetime, but this was war!

"Hey Sakura! Get that forehead of yours out of the sun, it's blinding the rest of us!" she taunted.

Sakura didn't look up from her book. "I recommend a pair of sunglasses."

Sasuke's lips twitched. Fortunately for him, no one noticed.

Ino, however, was thrown _way_ off. That was not Sakura's usual response. "What's the matter? Your forehead's so big but you don't have the brains to think of a better comeback?"

"Are you in love with my forehead or something, flower girl?" was the slightly irritated response. Still, Sakura never looked up from her book.

Ino was spared from answering when Kakashi finally arrived, accompanied by Kurenai, Asuma, Gai (who seemed to be carrying an awful lot of luggage), and the latter's' respective teams, who all seemed luggage free.

"Got lost on the road of life again, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked wryly, finally looking up from her book. Her eyes flickered to the Green Beast of Konoha and his load. "Or did you beat Gai-sensei in another game of _janken_?"

Kakashi was scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. "A little of both Sakura-chan."

Almost everyone else missed the significant looks that team seven- even Naruto- exchanged. Neji noted it, however, and tucked it in his mind for future reference.

"ALRIGHT!" Naruto said, jumping up in excitement. "ON TO THE MISSION!"

He was promptly silence when Sakura threw a rock at him. "Do you mind? People who value their eardrums are present."

Kakashi snickered. "Alright, everyone put their bags on Gai. He's agreed to be our bagboy for this mission."

Sasuke gave the man a cursory glance before tossing his bag on top of the pile in the man's arms. His was swiftly followed by Naruto's, Chouji's, Shikamaru's (thrown by Chouji for him, the lazy bum), Ino's, and Sakura's.

"How'd you ended up doing this, anyway?" Naruto asked the burdened man.

Gai tried to do one of his poses and failed miserably. Instead, he smiled his blinding, giga-watt smile. "My eternal and most worthy rival Kakashi challenged me to a contest of skill, ingenuity and physical prowess. If I lost, I was to carry everyone's bags for the duration of this mission."

"Translation: he beat you in another game of _janken,_" Shikamaru said in a bored tone.

"Sounds about right," Sakura agreed.

----------------------------------------

"Has Sakura struck you as acting a little... odd?" Ino asked Tenten as they were walking.

"Besides her not making a single move on Sasuke or trying to keep you from him?" the weapons mistress said wryly. "Or are you talking about her new kook?"

Ino gave her a look. "That's actually what I meant."

"Oh, come on! Don't tell me you're actually concerned about having a straight path to Sasuke?"

"It's not that. My woman's intuition says something is really wro- HEY, that's right! I do have a straight path to Sasuke!"

"Now she gets it," Tenten muttered, bemused.

Both girls glanced at the topic of their conversation. It was hours later, and they were well on their way. Sasuke, Naruto, Lee and Kiba had taken point. Everyone else walked to either side of the wagons. The jounins took up the rear, with Gai _waay_ in the back, still carrying the bags. Sakura was walking casually, hands entwined behind her head, the six pouches strapped to her limbs and the utility belt around her waist not seeming to bother her. She seemed to be scanning her side of the terrain, not much to look at or hide behind as it was.

"Since when did she go weaponeer, anyway?" Ino muttered.

"Since six days ago," Tenten answered, a slightly annoyed look on her face. "I am no longer customer of the month at my favorite store."

----------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in the dual mind of their topic of conversation...

… _and the look on Ino's face when you called her 'flower girl'…!_ Sakura dissolved into peals of laughter.

Kurt sighed. The girl had been repeating the same thing for the last few hours or so, although it seemed like days. Kurt was getting _very_ tempted to commit suicide. He now understood why people with voices in their heads did it. _Girl, I **swear**, if you don't change the subject, I'm sticking all our Kibaku Fuda on our head!_

_Aww!_ Sakura 'pouted'.

_Anyway, I have a bigger problem._

_Oh?_ Sakura asked, wishing she could raise her eyebrow. He had said 'I'. Usually, he said 'we'.

_There are twelve more people I have to deal with. I managed to deal with Ino, I managed to deal with Hinata, but dealing with twelve people, even if two of them **are** mentally disabled, is just asking for trouble._

Sakura giggled at his description of Green Beast junior and senior. _What's the big deal? I really don't get why we're keeping this secret. Naruto and Sasuke are taking it pretty well. Sometimes, they even seem to forget about it. _

_They're different,_ he answered._ They've had secrets of they're own. They understand the protective nature of some secrets. And these people, with the possible but very doubtful exception of Ino, are not sentimental about you, so if they found out about me, they might get it in their heads that I'm an enemy nin in disguise and try to kill us. Besides, Kakashi implicitly told us to keep this secret, and I will. I suspect he's still trying to find a way to explain the situation._

_Or he's leaving that up to us,_ Sakura said. The reference to Naruto and Sasuke's secrets went right over her head.

_Do **you** want to explain this situation?_

Silence.

_Didn't think so._

----------------------------------------

Kakashi had his book in front of his face. This was completely normal. There were _very_ few things that could pull him out of it. Missing nin. The latest installment of Jiraiya's series. Akatsuki. The movie version of his precious books. The Kyuubi. You get the idea.

So it was _very_ unusual to find him focused, not on his book, which was held in front of his face but not being read, but on one of his students. Specifically, their team's two-in-one.

Kakashi couldn't _quite_ put his finger on it, but there was something about that kid. No, not Sakura, the other kid. Something about him that appealed to him, in a strange 'we-have-something-in-common' kind of way. He couldn't pick out what it was, just knew it was there.

So when he'd asked- and Kakashi knew it was him, since Sakura would never have had the idea- Kakashi to teach him the _Raikiri_, he had agreed, even though he had every right- he invented it, after all- and plenty of reasons to tell him to take a hike. Maybe because he found the boy-in-girl's-body's statements amusing. Maybe because he was a refreshing change from the usual nuts. It was hard to say. All he knew was he was finding himself liking the guy.

Kakashi wasn't completely soft in the head, however. He had only taught her- him?- how to gather the chakra into the limb, none of the other subtleties and not-so-subtleties of how to make a true _Chidori_. Still, what Kurt knew was enough to be crudely effective. The many shattered rocks where they had trained were proof of that.

He also knew that, although he had never made a formal commitment regarding that matter, Kakashi was trying to think of a way to send him back. It's hard not to pity a guy in his situation, even if it _is_ easy to be envious. How many guys just wake up and find themselves in a girl's body?

Unbeknownst to Kakashi, a nosebleed sprang under his mask.

----------------------------------------

There were very few things Sasuke constantly thought about. His family's massacre. Itachi. Killing Itachi. Vicious circle, _ad infinitum_. Everything else he thought related to these. Training. Living. Eating, breathing, sleeping.

So it was a bit of a surprise for him when he found himself brooding, er, _thinking_, about something else besides his vicious circle _ad infinitum_. He didn't like dealing with the world beyond training in it to make himself strong enough to kill his _dear_ brother. As such, he had a very narrow view of the world in general and people in particular. He liked to lump them by groups into mental boxes with one to three word descriptions. For example, most of Konoha's teenaged girls fell into the 'annoying fan girls' box. Naruto went into 'annoying idiots'. Most of the outside world fell into 'annoying distractions'. Itachi fell into 'reason for living'. You get the idea. He liked his tidy, compartmentalized view. So when something comes along to mess up his boxes, it's either 'leave the mess alone but not know where everything was', or 'think about something other than vicious circle _ad infinitum_ to be able to resort boxes'. Still, that didn't mean he _liked_ the resorting, just that he liked his thoughts convenient again. So, when his boxes get messed up, he still found himself surprised when he found himself thinking how to reorder them.

His boxes were seriously messed up.

He resisted the urge to turn around and look at the latest person to mess up his compartmentalized classifications. He knew exactly what she was doing. Walking, looking around, occasionally getting a blank look, sometimes shaking her head, moving her lips, or making some other similar gesture. Technically, he shouldn't be thinking _she_, since it was a guy, but debating the pronouns, or whatever they were, regarding gender to use in this situation wasn't something he really wanted to do, so he stuck with _she_.

When he had decided to use _she_, he had immediately tried to lump him in one of his boxes with the word 'girl' in it. Problem was, she didn't fit in 'annoying fan girl', and upon further inspection, he couldn't seem to have any other 'girl' boxes. He had been forced to make up a completely new box, this one simply labeled 'guy in girl's body'. After a while, however, he found this simple description lacking. Being a guy in a girl's body didn't have any specific traits attached to it in Sasuke's mind, who, despite being a perfectly functional male, thought very little about the things perfectly functional males usually thought of, so he didn't automatically think the situation was perverted. Or brand the guy a pervert because of his situation.

So Sasuke started trying to gather traits to attach to the box. But he more traits he attached to the box, the more traits he found to attach. He had stumbled upon another vicious circle _ad infinitum_. He also found the flaw in the idea of putting a single person in a box. When putting groups in a box, he only had to attach the traits in common to the group. A single person, however, had more traits than the traits in common of a group.

Sasuke quickly found himself overwhelmed.

Still, he was too stubborn to admit he couldn't classify someone, so he decided on a course of action to remedy the situation. It was unlike him, it was out of character, and he was sure he would find it completely unpleasant, but it was the only way he could think of to maintain his sanity.

He resolved to get to know Kurt.

----------------------------------------

Naruto was bored and getting hungry. Idly, he wondered how long it was before they stopped for dinner. That was the most profound thought he had all day.

----------------------------------------

It was a little bit after sunset before they stopped. Luckily- or maybe not; the jounin seemed to know the road they were traveling- they stopped at a little roadside inn practically identical to the one they had stayed in during their last mission. So identical, in fact, that Kurt asked Kakashi about it.

"Oh, it's part of a franchise," the jounin said, not looking up from his book.

"Hmm. _That_ explains it," the two-in-one said.

Naruto looked confused. "What's a franchise?"

Kurt ended up trying to explain the concept of a franchise to the rather clueless boy through most of dinner, thankfully giving him an excuse not to talk to anyone else. Sasuke looked faintly annoyed at this for some reason, although that could just be because Ino was trying to graft herself to his arm again and trying to feed him when he was perfectly capable of feeding himself.

_You sure know a lot about that,_ Sakura said as Kurt took a break to eat.

_Learned it from my dad,_ the boy said, consuming food at a rate to equal Naruto and Chouji, and causing looks to be directed at them.

"Quick being such a pig, fore-head girl!" Ino said, looking around Sasuke as she threw her insult.

_If you please?_ Sakura asked.

_My pleasure,_ Kurt said.

"How's the anorexia coming along? That nose job didn't cost _too_ much, did it?" they retaliated.

There were various choking noises around the table as Ino directed a look that should have killed them their way.

_SCORE!_ Sakura yelled as the Yamanaka girl sputtered.

Kurt just chuckled and went back to trying to explain franchises to Naruto.

Neither of the two residents of the pink-haired body noticed the speculative looks being cast their way.

----------------------------------------

_Ahhh…_ the two chorused as they lay back in the hot springs at the back of the inn.

_I could get to like this…_ Kurt said, leaning their head back a bit further against the rocks and letting them sink down into the water a little.

_I know I do… _Sakura said.

Finding the rock a little uncomfortable, Kurt groped for the their towel, folded it and placed it under their head. _That better?_

Yup… 

They both leaned back, one literally, the other figuratively, letting the stress soak out of their system.

_You think we'll be able to last on a weeklong mission?_ Kurt asked suddenly.

_Oh, sure. I've been through worse and longer._

_Does this look like it's going to become one of them?_

_Too soon to tell._

_Oh, man…_

_Will you relax! There's nothing to-_

_Don't say it, you'll jinx it!_ Kurt interrupted.

_-worry about, _Sakura finished.

_We're doomed. _

As if on cue, the door to slid open.

Kurt froze for all of two seconds, before hastily averting their eyes and staring at a corner of the ceiling, trying to look lost in thought.

A nano-second later, Ino stepped in, followed immediately by Tenten, Hinata, and, ushering the Hyuuga inside, Kurenai.

_See what you did,_ Kurt nearly growled.

_Coincidence,_ Sakura sniffed primly.

Privately, where Sakura wouldn't hear him, Kurt thought, _I am in so much trouble..._

----------------------------------------

Women's Intuition. That indefinable, unidentifiable ability women have to 'know' things. The one that tends to drive men up the wall, mainly because of its decent rate of success, which leads to much 'I told you so'-ing.

It's a pain to men, especially since when men have it (these are called hunches), they are disregarded or their hunches are branded as coincidences or lucky guesses.

But back to the story.

Ino's Women's Intuition told her something was off about her-on-again-off-again-rival-slash-friend. She had expressed her thoughts to Tenten, who had agreed something seemed a little off. Hinata, who had overheard them, had shyly volunteered the information that she had also thought Sakura had been acting strangely when they had met a few days ago. Their- or at least, Ino's and Tenten's- suspicions aroused, they had decided to talk about it with Kurenai, reasoning that the guys wouldn't understand.

Fuel had been added to the fire of their suspicions when Sakura started explaining franchises to Naruto over dinner. Really, where had _that_ come from? The new kinds of insults she had hurled at Ino were also suspicious, not to mention making the blond more determined to get to the bottom of things.

So after dinner, they had sought out Kurenai, who had listened to them and, while not believing them completely, agreed to help them get to the bottom of whatever it was. After all, women had to stick together.

Finding out that Sakura was in the baths was child splay. They had decided to start there, since the guys wouldn't be able to get in the way and make things hard. So there they were.

"Hey, Sakura!" Ino greeted as she got into the water. Tenten, Hinata and Kurenai followed suit.

"Hmm?" Sakura said, blinking as she seemed to come out of her reverie. She turned her head slightly. "Oh, hey Ino, minna. Sorry, I was thinking."

With that, she lapsed back into silence, staring at the ceiling.

The girls exchanged looks.

'_See?_' Ino's look said to Kurenai, who nodded thoughtfully. She knew _of_ Sakura, if nothing else, and this kind of behavior didn't sound like the girl.

Tenten raised an eyebrow, in a '_what do we do?'_ gesture. Kurenai looked at Hinata, her own eyebrow raised. The girl reluctantly nodded, before taking a deep breath.

"S-Sakura-san," the Hyuuga began, "would you like to join us here?"

Sakura turned her head again, looking at them out of the corner of her eye. Her gaze seemed to focus on Ino. "Truce?"

The blonde girl smiled. "Truce," she agreed, gesturing to the spot next to her.

Shrugging, the cherry-blonde girl grabbed her towel from under her head and drifted towards them, only her head visible above the water. Settling down in the proffered space next to Ino, she placed to the towel under her head and leaned back, eyes on the ceiling.

For a moment, there was an uncomfortable silence. Hinata started twiddling her fingers.

"So," Ino said, then stopped, nothing else readily coming to mind.

"So," Sakura agreed, not seeming to be able to come up with anything herself.

"Mission seems to be going well," Tenten said , undoing the buns on her hair, casually palming the wires she had hidden there.

"No one's attacked us yet, anyway," Sakura said, making seals underwater.

Kurenai noticed. "What are you doing?" she asked, as Sakura made numerous seals in quick succession, although not for any jutsu she recognized.

Shrug. "Just keeping my fingers limber."

Ino, however, her patience running out, said what she'd been wanting to since that morning. "Alright, who are you and what have you done to the real Sakura?" she said, grabbing a kunai from under her discarded towel.

The others sighed.

_Not quite how I'd do it... _Kurenai thought.

_Oh, brother..._ Tenten thought.

_This is **so** embarrassing..._ Hinata thought.

Sakura, however, froze.

----------------------------------------

_Oh, FRICK!_ was Kurt's immediate thought as Ino held out her _kunai_.

_What the heck does she think she's doing? _Sakura said.

_We have to get out of here._

_Agreed. How?_

Kurt paused, and for some inexplicable reason, something he had watched in the Naruto anime popped into his mind.

_I have an idea. It's weird, it's slightly perverted, definitely Naruto-esque, but it just might work._

_Whatever it is, DO IT AND GET US OUT OF HERE!_

Nodding internally, Kurt performed the necessary seals, making a note to himself to apologize to Naruto for plagiarizing one of his original _jutsus._

_Okay, a Henge mixed with Kage Bunshin…_

----------------------------------------

In the men's bath next door, Kakashi closed his eyes, relaxing as he ignored Gai's ramblings of how 'the hot water was increasing the power of youth!' or some such silliness. The sounds of Kiba and Naruto cussing each other out made a strangely appropriate counterpoint, although the scarecrow was fairly sure that they'd all end up with a headache if the three didn't stop talking. Next to him, Asuma followed his example, his mouth for once cigarette-free.

Shikamaru was watching the steam as it swirled around the room, making a good substitute for his beloved clouds. Next to him, Chouji was consuming yet another bag of chips, his long expertise at eating making him capable of doing this without getting any food in the water. Shino had declined to join them, muttering something about submersion not being good for his bugs.

On opposite sides of the room, Sasuke and Neji fixed each other with blank, level stares, daring the other to blink first or, heaven forbid, look away. The Uchiha didn't intend to lose to the Hyuuga, and the Hyuuga had no intention of backing down from the Uchiha. Case closed.

As Kakashi entertained the possibility that the two geniuses would be at it all night, he felt a surge of chakra in the women's bath next door, followed by a commotion. Suddenly, there was a cry.

"_SASUKE HAREM NO JUTSU!_"

This was promptly followed be shrieks of embarrassment and outrage, accompanied to a lot of splashing of water. Curious, Gai, Naruto and Kiba shut up, listening intently as the two _doujutsu_ carriers broke off from staring at each other. Sasuke in particular was curious to know what that had been about. He was sure he had heard his name.

There were sounds of a commotion in the next room, followed by two chakra surges and two cries in rapid succession.

"_NEJI HAREM NO JUTSU! KAKASHI HAREM NO JUTSU!_"

More shrieks, primarily of embarrassment, followed by what sounded like someone slamming open a door.

The guys all looked at each other and shrugged.

Suddenly, the door to the men's bath opened. Sakura stood there, wearing a robe, her utility belt slung over her shoulder like a bandolier, her forehead-protector over her eyes like a blindfold. "Uh, Kakashi-sensei, Sasuke-sempai, Naruto-sempai, I could _really _use some help here."

Behind her, there was a clatter as something wooden fell on the floor. With a scream of "OH, FRICK!", Sakura turned tail and ran, pulling her _hitai-ate_ off of her eyes.

A heartbeat later, a barely robed Kurenai chased after her, although three naked Kakashi's tried to hold her back. One got in the way of her _kunai_, and exploded in a puff of smoke. They passed the door, followed by Ino, who had five naked Sasuke's trying to block her way. The blonde kunoichi was beet red as the Sasukes smiled seductively at her, but she managed to push her way through, the _kunai_ in her hand shaking as she did so. Ino was replaced by Tenten, who was being hounded by two naked Nejis. She was redder than Ino, and kept waving her _kunai_ at them. As they passed, the sounds of a chase began to reverberate through the building.

"Oh-kay…" Asuma drawled, breaking the spell. "What was that?"

----------------------------------------

It took a while to get the kunoichi's to settle down.

A maid found Hinata in the women's bath, completely red and near-catatonic. She kept muttering 'So big…' under her breath as if in a trance.

The others were harder to deal with. Ino, Kurenai and Tenten seemed dead set on doing _something_ horrible to Kurt-slash-Sakura, and weren't about to let anyone get in their way. In the end, the guys had to physically subdue them, which was difficult, since the girls were wearing only robes, and not too securely at that. Kakashi ended up using a mild _genjutsu_ on them.

Later found all of them gathered in the dining room they had eaten in earlier. Almost all of them were wearing only robes. The only exception was Shino, who was dressed for bed, yet still wearing his omni-present shades. Go figure.

The room was basically divided in half. On one side cowered the two-in-one, a _kunai_ held shakily in each hand, trying to keep an eye on all the other women at once. On the other side stood the other women. Ino was visibly seething, the _kunai_ she held shaking from her rage. Tenten looked slightly less PO-ed, but PO-ed none-the-less. She was tapping her _kunai_ against the palm of her hand, and looked like she was wondering where she would make the first cut. Kurenai looked under better control, but one look in her eyes would tell you she was livid. Hinata was the only one who didn't look like she was trying to find a way cause someone pain, although she kept turning cherry-red whenever her eyes fell on Kakashi, Neji or Sasuke, and she risked going near catatonic again.

Between the two groups stood the guys. Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke stood directly in front of their other teammate(s), the other guys standing to either side, in a gesture of men standing together. Kurt knew that they were literally the only things standing between them and certain doom.

_**WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?** _Sakura raged, and Kurt barely kept them from wincing.

_Sorry! It seemed like a good idea at the time, _the boy defended himself.

_**A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME?**_

_Well, what do you expect from an idea I got from watching an anime about Naruto?_

_**UUUUGGGHHHHH!**_

"Alright," Kakashi said, somehow sounding bored an interested at the same time. "What happened?"

He directed this question towards Kurt, who smiled sickly. "Uh, Ino drew a _kunai_ on me, and I felt compelled to defend myself?"

Asuma looked sternly at his student. "Explain yourself, Ino."

Ino seemed to force herself to stop seething. "I... thought-Sakura-had-been-acting-weird-so-I-confronted-her-and-asked-who-she-was-and-what-had-she-done-to-the-real-Sakura," she said in a rush.

Everyone blinked.

Gai laughed. "Ah, the imagination of the youth! Ino, why would you think of something as crazy as that?"

As nearly everyone gave the spandex-clad man ironic looks, wondering what right he had to use the word crazy, the Team Seven guys exchanged looks, looking over their shoulder at the pink-haired kunoichi, who shrugged. Anyone else watching would have thought the shrug said, 'I have no idea what she's talking about'. In this instance, however, the shrug meant, 'I did not do anything to clue her in'.

"Actually," Kakashi said, seemingly choosing to ignore the look Kurt was directing at the back of his head, "that's not too far off."

Everyone blinked again.

"Aha!" Ino yelled, pointing her kunai at Sakura, who was visible between Sasuke and Kakashi. "I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WERE AN IMPOSTER!"

Kurt sighed. "Is this _really _necessary, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Unless you want to be drawn and quartered, Kurt-chan," the scarecrow answered.

Kurt winced as the other teams exchanged looks. "Could you _please _not call me that, sensei? It's disturbing."

Kakashi's mouth twisted under his mask, and Kurt winced again, this time internally, knowing the jounin who liked to tease had just filed the info for future use. The scarecrow turned to Ino.

"Really, Ino, did you think I'd just leave an imposter running around?" Kakashi said. "Kurt-chan is no more an imposter than I am."

"Kurt-chan?" Kurenai repeated.

Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke looked at Kurt-slash-Sakura. Sakura could have sworn Sasuke actually looked amused. Kurt sighed, shuffled pouted, and finally, whined.

"Do I have to?"

The team seven guys just looked at them. Yup, Sakura concluded, Sasuke was _definitely_ amused.

----------------------------------------

After a long, boring, much-punctuated-by-exclamation explanation on Kurt's part, with Sakura throwing in the occasional reminder, most of the 'where', 'when', 'who', and 'what' of Kurt and Sakura's situation was more-or-less explained. Kurt was glad no one asked _why_ he had been banished by The Book. Wouldn't _that_ be embarrassing.

The some of the reactions to the situation were very interesting, to say the least.

"Let me get this straight," Ino said, looking intently at the two-in-one. "You're telling us that you're a guy, trapped in Sakura's body, from another universe, with currently no idea how to get home and hoping you'll find a way, and that you're straight?"

"**_Yes!_**" Kurt said exasperated having repeated his answer twenty-nine times already.

Ino looked thoughtful for all of two seconds before pouncing on Sasuke. "SASUKE-KUN!" she squealed, glomping on to his arm an looking like she wanted to surgically attach herself. If you were looking for it, you would see a light of panic in his dark eyes for all of half a second before it was covered up by his 'I have Ino attached to my arm. UGH!' look, which was a variation of his 'I have a fan girl attached o my arm. Ugh.' look he had developed specifically for Ino.

Kurt rolled her eyes, muttering about one-track minds, before tilting his head to one side as if listening. "Uh, Ino-san, Sakura-chan would to pass on a message."

"Hmm?" the blonde said, too busy trying to graft on to Sasuke's skin.

"She says, and I quote," Kurt took a deep breath, and said, in a flat, deadpan voice, "'Ino-pig! Get your hands off my Sasuke-koi!'" Pause. "Oh, wait, she has edits. It's supposed to be 'Ino-pig, get your hands off Sasuke-kun!'"

Kurt blinked innocently at the wry looks, ignoring the enraged "**_I WILL KILL YOU!_**" from Sakura. "What? That's what she said."

Kiba, Chouji, Neji, Shikamaru and Shino were pretty non-committal about it. Lee was clenching his fist and loudly proclaiming he would find a way to send Kurt home and free Sakura, accompanied by Gai's exclamations about 'youth', 'power', 'explosion', and whatnot. Kurt found himself vaguely wondering if what he had used on the girls would make them shut up.

As if reading his mind, Kakashi said, "By the way, Kurt-chan, what was that you used a while ago? I thought I heard my name, but I couldn't be sure."

At this, Kurenai, Ino and Tenten glared at Kurt, Hinata became so red she looked like a cherry and Kurt broke into a Naruto-esque grin, which looked very disturbing on Sakura's face.

"It was something Naruto-sempai inspired," Kurt said. "Which reminds me. Naruto-sempai, I'm sorry, but I happened to plagiarize one of your original _jutsus._"

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Which one?"

Kurt's smile became sheepish. "Remember that _jutsu_ you used on Ebisu when the first one you used didn't work?"

As the guys exchanged looks, wondering what _jutsu_ Naruto could have possibly invented, and the three non-stammering kunoichi directed a little of their glare at Naruto, the blond boy thought. Okay, if he remembered right, after his _Oiroke no jutsu_ had failed, he had used...

His eyes widened. "No way...!"

He turned a disbelieving stare at the two-in-one. **"You used _Harem no jutsu_ on the girls?"**

Everyone else stared at Kurt. The Green Beast and Beast clone had both been rendered mute. Everyone knew what the _Harem no jutsu_ was, what it did. Ebisu had gotten drunk once, and in his inebriated state had revealed Naruto's latest creation. ANBU sometimes boasted (when drunk, of course) how they had fallen victim to it, describing in detail Naruto's _very_ large and outright impossible statistics. In the Academy, it was whispered about in awe and no little perversion. Same among the genin, chuunin and jounin. Not even Sasuke had had the guts to ask Naruto about it. There had been talk about having it declared _kinjutsu_

Kurt winced. "Not the _Harem no jutsu_ per se. Just the basic concept. The rest is all mine."

"Show me," Naruto said. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Uh, Naruto..." Asuma began, but the blond ignored him.

Shrugging, Kurt unwrapped their _hitai-ate_ and wrapped it around their eyes like a blindfold. "I suggest you don't look, Hinata-san," Kurt said as he made the seals. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

As Hinata 'eeped', covering her eyes with her hands, the clones made their own seals. "SASUKE HAREM NO JUTSU!"

Sasuke barely had time to blink and think _what the hey? _before the clones transformed.

Everyone but Kurt-slash-Sakura and Hinata was gagging, backing away while making warding symbols, staring bug-eyed with slack jaws, and generally expressing feelings of 'EEEEEWWWWW!' before the smoke cleared. Standing before them was, for lack of a better word, a _harem_ of naked Sasuke's, the quickly dissipating smoke their only cover. Each was wearing a half-lidded, smoldering gaze that just screamed _some_ kind of promise.

Ino went very red, her grip on Sasuke loosening as she gazed at a spot about two-and-a-half to three feet off the ground. "So big..." she muttered, licking her lips absently as blood trickled down her nose.

Tenten wiped the drool from her face with the sleeve of her robe, trying to pull herself together. _Get a grip,_ she thought, _it's only a naked clone of Sasuke. It's not like it's Nej- oh boy._

Kurenai tried her hardest (_dang, bad choice of words!_) to ignore what was in front of her, her cheeks as red as her eyes. She was a grown woman, darn it! It wasn't like she hadn't seen this sort of stuff before! Still, that Uchiha kid was pretty well-built...

_STUPID NARUTO! _was the general consensus of the guys as they tried to keep their individual cool, either by looking directly at the Sasuke's, trying to act nonchalant, or looking at anything but. Naruto was really wishing he didn't have such a big mouth.

Strangely, it was Sasuke who broke the mood. "I am _not_ built like that," he growled, taking the opportunity to pry his arm away from Ino.

Everyone blinked, turning to look at him save Hinata and the two-in-one. Sasuke mentally kicked himself, knowing what was coming next.

"So it's not really a salami, just a hotdog?" Kakashi said, having taken refuge behind 'Icha Icha Paradise', where there wasn't a naked Sasuke in sight, just straight guys, loose women and lesbians.

Sasuke was saved from replying when Kurt waved his Sasuke clones away, who all disappeared in their own puffs of smoke. "I also used a Neji harem and a Kakashi harem."

The two gave him offended looks. "What did we ever do to you?" Kakashi said in a pseudo-hurt voice.

Shrug. "I wasn't sure if Tenten-san and Kurenai-sensei were Sasuke fans, so I made a few backups."

----------------------------------------

Kurt yawned, stretching one arm as the other carried the rest of their gear. After the talk, he'd had to go back to the bath anteroom to pick up the rest of their gear, not to mention their clothes. Now, he was on his way to the room he was supposed to sleep in. For once, he didn't care about sleeping on a futon. Inside, Sakura was already nodding off, waiting only for his unconsciousness to finish the job. She was still a little peeved at him for the _Harem no jutsu_ thing, but he knew it would pass. When you truly _were _inseparable, it wasn't a good idea to nurse a grudge.

Outside the room, Kurt almost tripped on something on the floor. Looking down, he blinked. "Hey, what gives?"

Grabbing the door, he started to pull it open. "Hey, why's our stuff out- "

The rest of the sentence was lost as a pillow slammed directly into their face, amid squeals and exclamations. Kurt felt someone pulling the door shut, nearly getting their fingers squashed in the process. Scowling, the boy-in-girl rolled his eyes, pulled their _hitai-ate_ out of their pocket and tied it around their eyes like a blindfold. Opening the door, he ignored the second pillow to the face.

"Would someone please explain to us why our stuff is outside?" he asked the room in general. In their shared brain space, Sakura grumbled indistinctly, too sleepy to make up something coherent.

"We're throwing you out, pervert!" a voice to his left said, and Kurt turned towards the chakra presence he felt in that general direction. Ino, of course.

"Huh?"

"We're throwing you out!" Ino repeated. "Who knows what kind of disgusting things you'll do to us in our sleep!"

Kurt blinked behind the makeshift blindfold. "Where are _we_ supposed to sleep, pray tell?"

"Your problem," Tenten's voice said, and Kurt felt someone push them in the chest. Loosing their balance, they stumbled back, tripping over their assorted stuff and hitting their head against the wall. Inside, Sakura let loose a stream of swearwords directed at the kunoichi in the next room that would have turned the air blue and melt steel with their acidity. Growling, Kurt rubbed their head as the door closed a second time, nearly catching their toe. Pulling off the forehead protector, he muttered deprecations against women in general, and Ino and Tenten in particular, as he gathered their things off the floor and tried to organize into something manageable. Fingering one of the pouches of their utility belt, Kurt seriously considered slapping a _Kibaku Fuda_ on the door as an unpleasant surprise for those inside, which Sakura enthusiastically endorsed.

Ultimately deciding against it- Hinata might get hurt, and she was likely to be innocent- Kurt slung the items over their shoulders as best as possible, and headed for where the guys were supposed to be sleeping.

----------------------------------------

The guys were just getting ready to sleep, with Naruto and Kiba indulging in a pre-slumber cuss-off, when the door opened and Kurt-slash-Sakura walked in, heavily loaded and looking pissed. Grumbling under her breath, the dual-mind kunoichi dumped their stuff onto a clear space and started setting up a futon.

"Uh, Sakura-chan, what are you doing?" Lee asked, blinking from where he was already lying down and getting ready to sleep.

"The name's KURT!" Kurt snapped off, continuing to set up the futon, albeit with a bit more force then necessary. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

Neji's eyes narrowed. "You can't stay here," he said imperiously, every inch the arrogant Hyuuga, even if he was Branch House. "This room is for males only."

"I am aware of that," Kurt said, biting off the words.

"So what are you doing here?"

For a moment, Kurt continued to seethe, but everyone felt the raw chakra building up. Finally, it exploded. "THOSE FRICKIN FEMALES KICKED US OUT!" Kurt nearly growled, a noticeable glow surrounding her as her hands shook, the futon rippling slightly under her fingers from the force of her chakra. "Apparently, they're concerned I'll do 'disgusting things' to them while they're asleep! HA! As if!"

"You can't sleep here!" Gai exclaimed, for once not rendering his words into a speech. "It would be highly inappropriate for a young lady to sleep in the same room with several unmarried me-"

"I'M A GUY TOO, REMEMBER? THAT'S WHY THEY KICKED ME OUT! Besides, it's not like you guys are going to be prancing around naked."

"Still," Asuma said, reaching for a cigarette, "it's still highly inappropriate."

Kurt rolled her eyes. "If you guys try anything, then I will be very surprised. If you do, I have enough bombs and exploding tags here to send us all to the moon."

Ignoring the two jounins sputters, the kunoichi lay down on her futon, pulling the blanket over her head.

"Oh, give it up, you two," Kakashi said, having followed the entire conversation as he lay on his own futon, reading his book. "Don't you trust your students to conduct themselves like gentlemen?"

"Of course we do!" the other two jounin chorused, looking affronted at the suggestion.

"Kiba, Shino, you're not going to take advantage of Kurt-chan while she's sleeping, are you?" the copy nin asked the two whose jounin was absent.

Shino shook has head, lying down on his own futon, as Kiba turned red and started babbling things in the negative over an exclaimed "Don't call me Kurt-chan!".

"Naruto, Sasuke?"

"Anyone who tries looses something valuable!" the blond said, with his usual amount of pomp but still full of conviction and promise. Sasuke merely snorted, but nodded with his teammate.

"I appreciate the sentiment," came from under Kurt's blanket.

"Well then," Kakashi said cheerfully, "I guess we have nothing to worry about."

----------------------------------------

Hours later, a little after midnight but still well before dawn, Sasuke was having trouble sleeping. Some time during the night, Naruto, Gai, Lee and, surprisingly, Shino's snoring had jerked him awake. Who would have thought such a quiet guy could be so loud?

Lying back, the last Uchiha tried valiantly to sleep. Sadly, for all the Uchiha Clan's vaunted power, going to sleep on command wasn't one of them. In desperation, Sasuke pulled his pillow over his head, trying to drown out the sounds. He was used to Naruto's snoring, but all four of them sounded like 'The Second Coming of the Kyuubi', for crying out loud! Privately, he wondered how Neji and Kiba could sleep with the racket. The two _taijutsu_ specialists sounded like faulty trains, and the insect user was actually making more noise than the other three. One could only wonder how Shikamaru, Chouji and Asuma were staying unconscious.

Giving up trying to go back to sleep as a lost cause, Sasuke sat up, rubbing the sleep gunk out of his eyes. This wasn't working. Getting up, he thought vaguely of getting a glass of water and getting away from the noise for a moment. Scanning the room, he noted that Kakashi had stuck earplugs into his ears. That probably explained why the scarecrow was still sleeping like a log. Sasuke shook his head. The guy was _still_ wearing his mask!

As he made his way towards the door, Sasuke noticed that Kurt's futon was empty, the blankets thrown back. Frowning slightly, he wondered where the kunoichi had gone off too.

Passing the room where the other girls were sleeping, Sasuke was mildly surprised to hear a sound similar in volume to what Shino was producing, albeit higher pitched and slightly nasal. He recognized it somehow as Ino. That explained Shikamaru and Chouji's resilience to sonic attack. Idly, he wondered if Ino had ever heard herself snore.

Going into the kitchen for a glass of water, Sasuke was about to head back for the guys room- although he had no idea why he would, as he would just be exposing his ears to torture- when he heard a scratching sound. Curious, he followed it.

Passing a night clerk, he was sleeping in the front desk, he stepped out of the inn. A cool breeze blew in his face as he exited, feeling very nice after the nearly stifling air inside the inn. Sitting on a rock on the side of the road, Kurt was crouched over something, occasionally tilting it towards the moonlight to get a better look. She wore a slightly oversized shirt, rippling slightly in the breeze, her legs stretched out in front of her. A _kunai_ holster lay next to her, the handle of one knife already sticking out, ready to use.

Abruptly, she looked up, one hand darting towards the _kunai_ but stopping halfway as her eyes focused on Sasuke. "Oh, hey Sasuke-sempai. What are you doing up?"

Sasuke blinked in surprise, thankful that the darkness obscured his features. He had found himself staring at her nearly-bare legs. Wouldn't_ that_ be hard to explain. "Couldn't sleep. _Dobe_ and company were making too much of a racket."

Kurt smirked. "I hear ya. Talk about loud."

Sasuke's mouth twitched, and a chuckle somehow escaped his lips.

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Uchiha Sasuke, actually laughing? Someone call the news."

Sasuke directed a glare her way, but his heart wasn't in it. She just smirked at him and bent back down over whatever it was on her lap.

"What are you doing?" he asked, coming closer.

Looking up, she showed it to him. It was a sketchpad with a half-finished drawing. Next to it was the team picture of Team Seven Kakashi had had taken. It was a bit dim in the moonlight, and the details were a bit washed out, but easily recognizable. It was obvious what Kurt had been doing.

"I didn't know you drew," Sasuke said, handing the papers back.

"Not very well," Kurt said, taking them and wiping a few eraser shavings off the sheet. "I'll probably erase about half this stuff in the morning."

"Hmm."

"And we're back to square one," Kurt muttered. "You know Sasuke-sempai, I never thought I'd meet anyone who talked less than I did."

Sasuke gave him a sideways glance. "Call me Sasuke," he said.

Kurt blinked a bit in confusion. Then realization struck as she recognized what Sasuke was offering. "If you say so…Sasuke."

"Good," the Uchiha said. "Being called sempai is a bit disturbing."

"If you say so Sasuke," she repeated. "Please, call me Kurt."

Sasuke nodded. "Alright… Kurt."

For a moment, both sat in silence, not knowing what to say, neither having been in too many situations where they actually made small talk.

"Why are you out here, anyway?" Sasuke asked.

Kurt smirked. "It's quiet," she said, causing the other to snort in amusement.

"Granted," Sasuke said, a half-smile twisting his mouth.

"Besides," Kurt continued, "all that snoring might have woken up Saky, and at least _one_ of us should get some rest."

Sasuke wondered about that. He never really thought about it, how Kurt and Sakura got along. He just assumed they did. Another thing he should know about, and the situation gave him the perfect opportunity to do so.

Just as he opened his mouth to ask, however, Kurt abruptly stood up. "We should try to get back to sleep. Big day tomorrow and all that."

Sasuke blinked. "Yeah," he said. "I guess we should."

She looked at the glass of water still in his hand. "Aren't you going to drink that?"

----------------------------------------

The following day, Ino and Tenten stayed as far away from Kurt-slash-Sakura as possible, shooting disapproving glances their way. They didn't bother keeping their voice down, however. Kurt ignored them. Having been a bit eccentric in his own home world, he had a fairly thick skin. Sakura growled, throwing back curses that would have tuned the air blue, melt steel like acid and make Orochimaru blush. Kurt ignored her too. Though he more-or-less agreed with what she was saying, some of the things she suggested doing to them were awfully cruel, unusual, and very tempting to do.

Trying to keep from dwelling and perhaps following through with Sakura's suggestions, Kurt joined Kiba, Lee, Naruto and Sasuke at point. Although the Uchiha was as monosyllabic as usual, Naruto and the other two were more welcoming. They asked him what it was like being a girl, although Lee would sometimes interrupt to ask if Sakura was _really_ alright. When Kiba started getting lewd, however, Kurt, much to Sakura's amusement, gave him a blow-by-blow, highly detailed, very vivid, and really disgusting description of what it was like to have a period, of which Kurt had already had two, given the length of time he had been in Sakura. Sasuke had mercifully rescued Naruto and Lee, moving them slightly out of hearing range so they didn't receive the full force of the lecture. Nevertheless, what little they heard made them _very_ glad to have been born male. After that, Kiba never said a lewd thing in front of Kurt again.

Neji, Shino, Chouji and Shikamaru really didn't care for the situation, Chouji being too busy eating, and Shikamaru muttering something with the word 'troublesome' in it, although with that guy, that could have been about anything. Hinata looked more-or-less recovered from her run-in with the_ Harem no jutsu_ the Second, although she still tended to go red whenever her eyes fell on Sasuke, Neji, Kakashi, and even Naruto. Kakashi didn't help matters, constantly 'asking' her if she was coming down with a sunburn, until Kurenai told him, in no uncertain terms, to leave her student alone or she'd burn his book. Asuma and Gai were both unreadable, as neither had said anything the night before, merely listened. Kurt figured they were probably reserving judgment. Kurenai's head, he didn't even try to get into, being in enough trouble with one female's psyche as it was. He caught her looking at them a couple of times, however, always the same intent stare that, one that made him slightly nervous, even if Sakura told him to 'get over it'.

The next week was rather uneventful, unless you count the incident where Kurt bought an eraser and some pencils (the ones he'd bought along had run out) at a roadside bookstore and won a complete, hardcover, autographed set of Jiraiya's 'Icha Icha' series. Kakashi started acting weird, and had it been anyone else, could almost be said to be jealous. Ino and Tenten began tossing more 'pervert' comments with renewed intensity, and Kurenai directed a stern, disapproving stare at him- well, him and Sakura- especially when he started carrying the books around slung over their shoulder, after Gai tried to 'accidentally lose' them. When the guys- and Sakura- asked him why he didn't just give the books to Kakashi, or better yet, in Sakura's opinion, throw them away, Kurt replied that they were still books, and as such deserved to be treated with respect and reverence. Besides, he wasn't about to lose the only reading materials he had that weren't about ways for ninja to kill people, even if he had no intention of reading them. Indeed, the books were still covered by a layer of plastic wrap, making reading them very difficult.

They didn't sleep at an inn every night. When they did, Ino and Tenten either ignored them completely or made very pointed remarks about perverts, stopping only when Kakashi started giving them the non-Sharingan red-eye. Kurt and Sakura usually replied in kind, with dinner usually ending with the two girls looking about ready to breath steam.

Kurt always slept with the guys, since the girls weren't letting him anywhere near their room. That prove to be a bit difficult, since, when the guys got used to them being there, Kurt had to be careful Sakura didn't see anything that could scar her mind.

When they didn't sleep in an inn, they slept surrounding the wagons, sleeping in shifts. Kurt took the books to bed with them, much to Sakura's disgust. He had a sneaking suspicion Kakashi wanted to get his hands on the books. It was on one such campout that Naruto gave Kurt permission to drop the 'sempai', saying that hearing it coming from Sakura was just plain weird.

So besides the enmity of the two kunoichi, the mission was going just fine. In hindsight, Kurt should have known it wouldn't last...

----------------------------------------

It looked to be another uneventful day. At the front, Kurt, Kiba, Lee and Naruto were chatting away. It had been a surprise to Sakura that Kurt could actually stand talking to the three, as much a surprise as it was to Kurt that he was actually enjoying it. Sasuke was off to the side, listening and every now and then making a monosyllabic comment. As they approached a bridge, the four talked about training together sometime, Lee offering to give Kurt a few pointers. The boy-in-kunoichi was agreeable, being the first to admit that his _taijutsu _wasn't exactly the most dangerous thing in the world.

A weird feeling came over his chakra senses as Kurt walked, making him blink. _That's weird..._ As if by it's own volition, their hand moved towards the _kunai_ holster on their right thigh.

Next to them, Sasuke's eyes had narrowed, sweeping over the foliage on either side. Behind them, _way_ in the back, Kurenai and Asuma were doing the same thing. Gai, looking like a turtle under everyone's luggage, had raised his head, reinforcing that image, a serious expression on his face. Kakashi still had his book raised in front of him, but he wasn't reading it, nor was he staring covetously at the books slung over Kurt-slash-Sakura's shoulder. Instead, his gaze was fixed on the bridge ahead.

Inside, Sakura had gone alert. _Do you feel that?_

_Yeah,_ Kurt said as they reached the bridge. _Something feels... off..._

_Can you make out what it is?_

_Give me a sec..._ he said, their eyes narrowing as he concentrated. Okay, there were the guys next to them, and the other genin, and the wagon drivers, and the jounin way in the back, and...

Kurt's eyes snapped wide open. "Oh, frick..." he hissed.

----------------------------------------

They were already about two thirds of the way over the bridge when it happened. Below, the river raged, swollen and flowing fast, obviously fed upstream, probably by heavy rain. The 'k' had barely left their mouth when suddenly, scores off men suddenly appeared from the foliage at both ends of the bridge. They were a motley bunch, but each carried at least three sharp-pointy-stabby-edgy-cutty things on their person, not counting the various knives, daggers and _kunai_ tucked everywhere. Each also wore a black piece of cloth tied somewhere on their body.

The lead wagon had stopped at their appearance, and the genins, to their credit, didn't hesitate, not even Kurt. Well, maybe for a moment.

As the four (physically) boys in front stood their ground, Kurt turned to the driver of the lead wagon. "Would you hold this for a second?" he said, handing the man the 'Icha Icha' books. Drawing a _kunai_, he and Sakura moved to join the line. Inside, Sakura did the mental equivalent of rolling her eyes. _Really_, all that care for a bunch of books he was never going to read?

Soon, they were joined by Hinata, Ino, and Tenten. The latter two gave him their usual looks, but he ignored them. Sweat poured out of their hand, making Kurt thankful for the leather grips on the _kunai_'s handle. Their heart pounded, and Kurt grit their teeth nervously. This looked like a very bad situation, the kind he'd always been told not to get into. Looking at all the implements of harm arrayed before them, Kurt suddenly realized in how much danger they were. And him with his pathetic _taijutsu_. From the sideways looks Sasuke was giving them, the Uchiha realized it too.

_We're a liability,_ Kurt realized, his grip on the _kunai_ tightening. In their shared brain space, Sakura had gone silent, something she'd never done before.

The bandits- for that's what they were- didn't attack, however. Instead, some of them began dragging logs in front of the mouth of the bridge. They were obviously heavy, as it took at least three bandits to lift one.

"What the heck are they doing?" Naruto growled, opening his mouth, most probably to pose the question to the bandits themselves.

"They're blocking the way so the wagons wouldn't be able to leave," Kurt interrupted him, voice calm and oddly distant, as if it were Sakura speaking instead of him. "They couldn't care less about us, as long as we don't get in their way." Looking at all the weapons the bandits were carrying, Kurt knew they were in trouble. "It's the merchandise they want." He wasn't going to be useless, darn it! There had to be something he could do to help!

_Water jutsu..._ Sakura said.

"_?" _was Kurt's response, his mind slightly too messed up to think of anything coherent .

_We know a water jutsu... and we're around a lot of water..._

_Suiryuudan! _Kurt exclaimed. _But that takes a lot of hand seals to set up... plus we'd need to be careful not to use up all out chakra..._

"Well, they'll have to go through us to get it!" Kiba said as Kurt thought, Akamaru barking in agreement. There had to be a way to buy the time needed for the _jutsu..._

"Yeah! We'll kick their ass!" Naruto agreed as Kurt tucked their _kunai_ into a holster, opening their utility belt's pouches to look for something. He really should have made labels...

"They will tremble at the explosive power of our youth!" Lee yelled, fist clenched. You could almost see his eyes burning. Where was it...?

Ino rolled her eyes. "Men!" she swore, obviously forgetting Sasuke was in hearing range.

Bingo! "For once, I agree with Ino-san," Kurt said, taking a few gray balls slightly smaller than tennis balls from a pouch.

The blonde glared at him. "Who asked for your opinion, pervert?"

Kurt ignored her. "How good at throwing are you guys?" he asked, handing a ball to each of the boys.

Naruto looked at his ball. "What the heck are these things?"

At that moment, the bandits decided to attack.

----------------------------------------

Naruto was still puzzling that when he saw Kurt throw a panicked look at the bandits. "No time! Throw it at them, quick!" she yelled. Her hands started to form seals.

Sasuke didn't bother asking questions. Drawing back his arm, he threw the ball the way they had been instructed to in the Academy. Lee, Naruto, and Kiba' followed suit.

The balls landed in front and among the foremost groups of bandits, exploding instantly and creating large white clouds. The result was instantaneous. The bandits stumbled, coughing and rubbing their eyes, the ones in the back plowing into those in front and encountering the same fate, momentarily halting their charge. Behind them, the genins could here the sounds of metal clashing on metal, indicating that their teachers and teammates behind were fighting.

"Tear gas bombs?" Tenten said, rounding on Kurt. "What good is tha-"

She was cut of by Sasuke's hand on her mouth, who raised a finger to his lips, indicating silence. Kurt had her eyes closed, and sweat was pouring out of her forehead as she moved thru several seals in rapid succession, muttering their names under her breath. Chakra was building up in her, and she was obviously concentrating very hard.

"Get out of her line of sight," Sasuke said, doing so himself and silencing Ino with a glare when she opened her mouth.

The bandits, meanwhile, were recovering, and though many who had been in front were still rubbing their eyes, the gas clouds had dissipated in the morning breeze, allowing those behind to squeeze past those in front. A small but steady stream of bandits began to charge.

Naruto glanced at Kurt, who was still making hand seals. "Uh, is something supposed to be happening?"

Sasuke raised his own _kunai_. "We keep them off of her. Ino, Hinata, stay with her and keep her safe." A small barely-smirk twitched on the Uchiha's lips. He wasn't sure, but he knew of only one _jutsu_- to date, that is- that took so many hand seals to pull off, and he had a sneaking suspicion this was it. He led Naruto, Lee and Kiba towards the bandits, determined to keep some distance between the bandits and the currently helpless boy-in-girl. "All of you, be ready to jump away when Kurt stops making seals."

Naruto gave him a look as the first of the bandits approached. "You know something we don't?"

Sasuke charged, deflecting the bandit's sword with his _kunai_ as he kicked his legs out from under him, throwing him into another approaching bandit. "A lot, _dobe_. None of which would make sense to you."

"HEY!"

----------------------------------------

…_rabbit, monkey, ox…_ this was a pretty long _jutsu_. Kurt tried to keep that thought out of his mind as he and Sakura concentrated on pulling off the seals. The only way they had learned the _jutsu_ in one morning, along with the bastard-version of the _Raikiri_- yes, they knew it was bastardized, otherwise, how could they pull it off?- was because the two of them were dividing up the work. Right now, Sakura was feeding him the seals, telling him which came in what order-he had a lousy memory for anything longer than his beloved teleportation _jutsu_- as he tried to form them while at the same time helping him regulate the amount of chakra they were putting in the technique. She really couldn't do anything, since all their chakra was in his control, but she knew what to do, and told him how to do it. Too much chakra, and not only would they be a sitting duck, but they might hit their teammates as well. Too little, and the _jutsu _would be useless. Kurt also wanted to keep the technique a bit on the weak side, knowing that it could potentially kill anyone it was hit with. Although ninja killed everyday, _he_ was the one in control here, and he had no intention of killing. Sakura didn't either, which was a good thing, since that meant they could work together.

They were reaching the end. Kurt and Sakura ignored the chakra signatures they felt around them, the sounds of steel ringing against steel, the pained moans, grunts and sometimes screams, even the slight burning sensation in their nose from left over tear gas, as they continued shaping the chakra for the technique, both knowing that they needed to get the amount just right. They'd pulled this off before several times during that morning with Kakashi, although those had been bigger than the ones they were attempting to make now, chakra conservation and other factors not being an issue then, with the result that what they had made tended to break apart rocks. Hopefully, they remembered the amounts of chakra they had used and were toning it down to proportion properly. Their hands made the last seal. Raising their hands up to eye-level, only then did they open their eyes.

The scene in front of them was… messy was the only thing Kurt thought, although he and Sakura nearly lost their concentration at the sight before them. Bandits lay strewn everywhere, some bleeding, many bruised, most unconscious. Blood was spattered, if not quite generously, at least enough to make it noticeable. The other genins with Sasuke were putting up quite a fight, Lee arguably being the most effective at dispatching bandits, yet they were still heavily outnumbered. The only reason they weren't being swamped was because some of the bandits on the ground were blocking the others, and the genin were keeping together, trying to keep from being divided, surrounded and overwhelmed. Yet more bandits waited to take their turn, and it was only a matter of time before shear force of numbers did the genins in. Ino and Hinata were standing to either side of them, the normally terminally-shy Hyuuga defending herself surprisingly well, keeping away the bandits who got too close so they can be dealt with by the others.

The two-in-one saw all this in about half a second as they proceeded with the _jutsu_. "OUT OF THE WAY!" Kurt yelled as water began to rise in streams from out of the river, converging above them and from there winding into a thin stream.

Naruto and Sasuke took one look at it, recognized it for what it was even though they've only seen it once, and jumped out of the way, followed by Kiba and Tenten, and finally Lee, who had taken a second to throw a rather large, Akimichi-proportioned bandit into an approaching group. They all landed behind Kurt, Lee and Naruto taking the liberty of getting rid of the bandits Hinata and Ino had been dealing with.

In spite of the seriousness of the situation, Kurt and Sakura had a small smile twitching on their lips. Granted, Kurt formed it, but Sakura echoed it. Clean line of sight, powerful _jutsu_, plenty of targets. They were going to enjoy this. "SUITON! SUIRYUUDAN NO JUTSU!"

A body-sized dragon made of water, with glowing yellow eyes, erupted out of the converging streams of water, hitting the nearest grouping of bandits and tossing them into the water with the force of a battering ram. The dragon twisted, opening it's mouth as it charged into the approaching wave of bandits. Many were knocked down as the water hit them, some falling overboard into the water, where they were quickly swept away by the current. Those behind them tripped over them, causing the line to stumble. Kurt, with help from Sakura, increased the chakra flow a tiny bit, using the dragon to forcibly push them back. There were various explosions of smoke, and suddenly, there were a lot less bandits than they started out with.

"_Bunshin no jutsu,_" Sasuke said from behind them. "They only wanted us to think there were a lot of them. Guess that explains why so many of them look the same. Some of them must be Academy dropouts, or even missing-nin."

"And you figured that out all by yourself, Sasuke-kun!" Ino gushed. Kurt resisted the urge to roll their eyes, not knowing if that would affect the _jutsu_ and not eager to find out, snapping Sakura out of growling at Ino.

Way behind them, from the rear of the train, they heard Kakashi's voice cry out "SUITON! SUIRYUUDAN NO JUTSU!" as well, a large amount of chakra emanating from his general location as more streams of water appeared at the back, also forming into a much bigger dragon and blasting away.

"Looks like this is going to be easy after all," Sasuke said. To everyone's surprise, Sasuke smiled, clapping the two-in-one lightly on the shoulder. "Good job."

Inside, Sakura was exulting in true Inner Sakura fashion, taking particular pleasure in the stunned look on Ino's face. Kurt somehow managed to keep hold of the _jutsu_, yet he was glad as well, if not as deliriously so as his host. He had a decent idea of how hard it was to get _any _kind of complement from the Uchiha, so you couldn't blame him for being a little pleased.

Then the explosion came.

----------------------------------------

In hindsight, Naruto, Lee, Kiba and Sasuke felt they should have noticed it. The former three had been too busy whooping behind the pink-haired kunoichi-and-boy, admiring her _jutsu's_ handiwork, to notice one of the bandits they had knocked out was slowly recovering consciousness. When Sasuke made his congratulations, everyone was too astonished to see the bandit glare at them and take an explosion tag and slap it on to a _kunai_. It was only blind luck his hand twitched and threw his throw off. Instead of landing in their midst and killing them all, it came short, instead blasting a hole at their feet. The guys were far enough to be able to jump away before they fell through the hole.

The girls never had a chance.

Ino, Tenten and Kurt-Sakura fell through instantly, the latter completely helpless because she was too busy controlling the _jutsu_. Hinata had slipped, and instinctively reached for the closest person, who happened to be Tenten, and got dragged along with them.

The boys retaliated instantly, of course. Lee quickly rendered the bandit unconscious again with a kick, nearly snapping his neck off. With Kurt gone, the _jutsu_ had dissolved, the dragon reverting back into normal water and splattering everywhere on the bridge.

There was no time to go after the girls. With the water _jutsu_ gone, the bandits were starting to recover, and, though robbed of their psychological advantage, still outnumbered the leaf nin. The boys, however, were pretty PO-ed, and were perfectly willing to beat their faces in. All this, however, took time. By the time every bandit was unconscious on the ground, the girls had already been swept a long way away by the current...

----------------------------------------

Kurt gasped, forcing water out of their nose as the current swept them downstream. He was _very_ thankful his parents had insisted he go through that summer of swimming lessons. Even if he had been capable of doing so when they had fallen in, he didn't think they'd be able to use Water Walking with the water moving as fast as it was. It was hard enough staying above the surface of the water, never mind doing anything else, like swimming back to the bridge.

Kurt paddled as hard as their body could, trying to stay afloat. Behind them, the water broke, Hinata breaking the surface. Surprisingly, she seemed to doing alright, treading water lightly. A second later, Tenten also appeared, looking like she was having some trouble keeping afloat herself.

_The weapons,_ Kurt realized. They were wearing at least ten pounds of gear and weaponry. No wonder they were having such a hard time keeping afloat!

_Ditch it! _Sakura said.

_NO WAY! _Kurt said, continuing to tread water. _We might need this stuff!_

_We'll drown in this stuff!_

_No, we won't!_

Sakura felt like she was going to retort something else, but a flicker of blonde caught their attention for a moment as a head broke surface, then disappeared back under the water.

_Omigosh!_ Sakura exclaimed. _Ino! She can't swim!_

_She became a ninja, and yet she doesn't know how to swim?_

But Kurt was already paddling towards where they had seen the blonde go under. Taking a deep breath, he was just about to go under after her when she popped up again. He lunged towards her, grabbing the back of her outfit and doing his best to keep her out of the water, even as they sank down a few precious centimeters themselves. Ino wasn't helping, flailing around randomly and yelling about how she couldn't swim.

Suddenly, thankfully, Hinata was there, telling Ino to stay calm, her stutter nowhere to be found, telling her how to float, and to quit dragging Kurt under. She did not tell Kurt to put down Ino, which Kurt assumed meant they were doing _something _right.

They were weakening, however. Even with Sakura's body being in very good physical condition, treading water while wearing at least ten pounds of weights was tiring. Trying to keep from thinking about it, Kurt began to swim towards the river's banks, followed by Hinata, who was still talking to Ino and keeping her calm.

He never knew what hit them...

----------------------------------------

**- To be continued...**

----------------------------------------

A/N: So big…

Sorry if the characterizations are off, but my experiences with the non-sevens come from fanfiction. They don't show up often in the local dub of the anime. And if they do, I never seem to be home.

Janken: rock, paper, scissors. In the Philippines, this is where the game '_Jak en poy_' gets its name.

Yup, pretty flimsy reason to teach the _Raikiri_.

For the timeline, put this before the chuunin exams but after any major events. Major as in anything two or more episodes long that's not filler.

**(fill in the blank) Harem no Jutsu**: Kind of like Naruto's original Harem no Jutsu, except it makes harems of other people. So 'Sasuke Harem no Jutsu' would make a harem of Sasuke's…

You get the idea.

It's very possible that Academy dropouts go to business for themselves. After all, you don't need a wand or anything to perform _jutsus_, and as Morino Idate proved in Tea Country (-?- weird name), it's not only super-powerful ninjas like Zabuza, Itachi and Orochimaru who go missing nin.

Please review, C&C welcome. Flames will be fed to Gamabunta, or whoever the fire-breathing frog is.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	6. Down the River

Naruto grit his teeth as he tied the knots he was working on with a _bit_ more force than was strictly necessary. He and the others had taken down the bandits who, bereft of the illusion of numbers created by their Bunshin no jutsu, had fallen to the enraged male genins. But between beating the bandits faces in, making sure they were unconscious, backing up their teammates at the rear and tying up the bandits to keep them from following them and/or becoming a problem for any other travelers, time passed. Time that swept the girls farther and farther away down river. He was not liking the situation.

He wasn't the only one. All the jounin sensei were worried about their missing female students, but immediate priorities came first. Securing the bandits topped the list, and by the time _that_ was done, three hours had passed. Kakashi tried to keep their spirits up by reminding them that they were all well trained, which Gai had echoed instantly, but Kurenai still looked worried, not mentioning how Tenten and Ino didn't like Sakura.

Or, more specifically, the boy _in_ Sakura.

To top it all off, it started to rain...

----------------------------------------

The Cursed Log Book 1:

Kurt-kun In Konoha

by Shadow Crystal Mage

6th Incident: Down The River…

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, someone else does. And I guess that's all I need to say.

----------------------------------------

Darkness. Kurt lay in darkness, very relaxed. He wasn't worried, wasn't rushed. A strange warmth lay over him, one he had never felt before. For the first time in his life, he was completely still. No muscles moved. His eyes didn't twitch, fingers didn't move, lungs didn't inflate…

Hey, that wasn't right…

Kurt suddenly became aware something was _very_ wrong. Yet, he couldn't tell what it was. The vice clamping down on his chest was making it difficult to think…

A weight suddenly began to press down on his chest, between his breasts, pushing down with deliberate force. Once, twice, again, then the pressure was gone, and someone was holding his nose shut. There was pressure on his mouth, warm, wet pressure, and hot breath went down his throat. It happened once, stopped, twice, stopped, again. Then the weight on his chest was back, and...

Wait a minute... Breasts? _Down_ his throat?

It was then Kurt realized something was seriously wrong...

----------------------------------------

Ino was scared. Very scared. As a child, she'd had a very traumatic experience with water. While on a class trip, she'd accidentally fallen into a stream. The water wasn't very deep, but she'd been knocked unconscious and had nearly drowned, her head submerged under the shallow water. They'd managed to revive her, but ever since then, she'd harbored a secret fear of the water. Which was why she'd never learned how to swim. Few knew about her inability and she preferred it that way.

Now, however, her inability was coming back to try and kill her. When someone grabbed to back of her outfit and lifted her out of the water, she was extremely grateful. She concentrated on Hinata's voice, focusing on the sound more than the words. As they started moving towards the general direction of dry land, Ino turned towards her rescuer, ready to thank Tenten.

She found Sakura instead. Or, more accurately, Kurt in Sakura's body.

That was all she had time for. A jutting piece of log knocked her rescuer out immediately thereafter.

It was dumb luck. Sakura had been holding Ino in her left had, using her right to keep afloat. Hinata had been following behind on Ino's side, keeping her calm. None of them saw the log hanging over the water until it clipped Kurt-Sakura on the side of the head. Ino dropped into the water, slipping under the log in the process. Hinata barely dodged it, clipping her scalp on the wood.

What happened next was a deliriously panicked blur to Ino. She was back under water again, and suddenly she wasn't. She remembered holding on to a chain while Tenten pulled her out of the water, Hinata hanging on to her waist with one arm as the other held on to Sakura– Kurt?– and telling her to pull. Eventually, she found herself on firm ground on her hands and knees, panting her lungs off.

"Sakura-san! Kurt-san!"

Ino looked at Hinata. She was kneeling next to the pink-haired girl's body, which was laid out on the ground on its back, dripping wet and not moving. Not breathing.

Hinata was slapping at the girl's face, trying to wake her up when Ino told her to step aside. Deliberately, she began to perform mouth to mouth. Her accident, while keeping her from learning how to swim, had made her want to keep what almost happened from happening to anyone else. She'd known how to do this since she was four years old.

Eventually, the girl she was working on began to cough, water gagging at her throat. Quickly, she turned the two-in-one's head, allowing her to spit out the water, then stepped back.

Kurt– Sakura?– began to get up, turning over on her hands and knees as she kept on coughing, spitting out water from her lungs. She remained in that position, coughing and coughing until all the water in her lungs should be gone, until she was dry hacking. Finally, she rose shakily to her feet, wiping at the corner of her mouth.

"Well, that was fun. Let's **_never_** do it again," Sakura– Kurt? ARGGG!!!– said. She was rubbing her head with both hands, face contorted. After a while, she said, "_Arigatou_, Ino-san. We're grateful for the revive. Guess this makes us even."

Ino smiled tightly. "You bet."

For a moment, they all just lay there. Tenten was sprawled out on he rocky ground, panting hard. Hinata looked about as bad. White eyes closed, the Hyuuga heiress was leaning against a handy rock, catching her breath. All of them were soaked to the skin and shaking from cold.

"Damn, I'm cold," Ino said, shivering as her body tried to warm itself.

"Anyone have a fire _jutsu_ handy?" Kurt– definitely Kurt, Sakura wasn't that sarcastic– said.

There was a clap of thunder, and water started to fall from the sky.

"I'll take that as a cosmic 'no'."

----------------------------------------

They managed to find shelter in a nearby cave. Tenten dragged some wood in before it got _too _wet, and they were currently trying to get a fire lit.

Tenten silently cursed as she tried to get a piece of flint to spark on her _kunai_. And spark it did. Problem was, it wasn't catching.

"Hurry it up," Ino whined, shivering as she tried to get warm.

"I'm trying," Tenten growled, nearly cutting herself.

Sakura– very hard to think of her as Kurt– sighed, reaching into one of her belt pouches and pulling out a lighter. "Will _this_ help?"

Tenten glared as she dropped what she was using and grabbed the offered lighter. "Why didn't you say something earlier!" she said as she turned back to the wood.

"The exact reasons are, 'Shut up and get some rest'," was the dry reply, which was more than could be said for everyone else.

Tenten grimaced as she remembered she _had_ said that. The wood still wasn't catching. "You wouldn't happen to have any kindling on you, would you?"

Wordlessly, Sakura-Kurt took out a few small pieces of wood.

Tenten raised an eyebrow. "Lighter fluid?" She figured it was worth a shot...

A bottle was produced.

Ino finally blew up. "You had all this and you didn't tell us!"

Shrug. "No one asked, and I thought she knew what she was doing."

An Ino rant and a few spurts of lighter fluid later, they had a fire going.

"And not a moment too soon," Ino said, trying to get as close as possible. "Hypothermia's not good for your skin."

Sakura-Kurt opened yet another belt pouch, pulling out a package she handed to Ino. "Here. Thermal blanket. It's supposed to be for emergencies, and this probably counts." She handed one to Hinata and Tenten as well.

Tenten looked at the unopened package for a moment before turning to Sakura-Kurt, who was wrapping her– them?– self in a blanket as well. "How come you have all this?"

The pink-haired kunoichi gave a toothy smile. "I went nuts in a store after a mission."

Tenten raised an eyebrow. "Oh."

"What's to eat?" Ino said in her whiny voice, and Tenten's eye suddenly developed a tick. Before she could tell the annoying girl they'd didn't have any food because they'd been too busy trying not to get hypothermia to look for any, another item was removed from a belt pouch.

"Here," their cherry-blonde companion said as she handed Ino a ration bar. "Anything else for you to keep quiet? A lock Sasuke's hair, maybe? A pair of his boxers?"

Thankfully, the blonde didn't answer, too busy trying to tear open the packet. Shrugging, Saku-Kurt handed Tenten and Hinata a bar each as well, before opening one of her own.

Tenten looked at the bar before she opened it. "How nuts did you say you went?" she said, taking a bite. Hmmm, peanut butter.

"I needed Kage Bunshin to carry all the stuff I picked up to the counter," Kurt– Tenten was sticking with Kurt– said as she took a bite from her ration bar.

"Ah..."

For a while, they all sat in silence, absorbed in their own worlds.

"So," Kurt said, "what now?"

Tenten and the other two looked at him.

"Don't _you_ have all the answers?" Ino said sarcastically.

Kurt glared at her. "I'm just a guy in Sakura's head. You're the experienced ones here!"

For a moment, the two glared at each other. Tenten sighed. This would be a while.

----------------------------------------

The rain did not abate, effectively trapping them in the cave, since it wasn't safe to be wandering around in that downpour. They knew that the merchant train would be stopped as well, since the horses pulling the wagons wouldn't probably be able to walk effectively in the mud this would make.

"Besides," Kurt said, "I really don't see our jounin sensei just leaving us like this."

_Kakashi had better not!_ Sakura said.

For a moment, everything was quiet again.

"Pervert," Ino said suddenly.

Kurt gave her a look. "Hey, do you think I _like_ being inside a girl?"

Ino sniffed. "You're still a pervert."

Kurt rolled her eyes, while Sakura was fuming in indignation in his behalf. "Why am I suddenly getting an Akane Tendo vibe here?" he muttered to himself in English, which only Sakura understood.

"What's that?" Ino said.

"Nothing, I just said you were cute," he said. Sakura, knowing perfectly well that _wasn't_ what he said, did the mental equivalent of rolling her eyes.

As Ino continued looking at him suspiciously, Kurt sighed, while Sakura shot her mental dirty looks, reached into one of their pouches and took out his sketchpad and the picture he was copying. It was almost finished, lacking only color. He'd have to take care of that when they finally got back to Konoha, since he'd left his colored pencils behind because they took up too much space. Grabbing a pencil, he started working on the details of Naruto's jumpsuit.

"Th-that's v-very gu-good," Hinata said, looking over their shoulder.

Kurt smiled reassuringly at the shy girl. "Thanks. If you want, I could draw Naruto for you."

_Why_? Sakura asked, and Kurt snickered internally. _What's so funny?_

_That's my little secret, Saky,_ Kurt responded.

In the real world, Hinata blushed. Kurt just grinned, flipping over a page and tearing out a picture of Naruto he'd already made and colored. "Here," he said. "Just a little something for keeping me from going completely under. Although we're not even. I'll still have to save _your_ life."

Blushing, Hinata accepted the proffered drawing.

_Is that why you drew Naruto nearly completely naked?_ Sakura said. _To scar Hinata?_

Indeed, Hinata was blushing at the picture of Naruto covered only by smoke.

_Still don't get it, huh?_ Kurt said cheerfully, going back to his drawing. _And girls are supposed to be so perceptive._

_What's that supposed to mean?_

_Look underneath the underneath and find out._

_Argh!_

----------------------------------------

Kurt jerked awake as thunder boomed in the distance. Blinking, he wondered when he'd fallen asleep. Inside, Sakura was snoozing away, which meant both of them had been out for a while.

Feeling paper under their face, boy-in-kunoichi hastily stood up, only to have someone grab them from behind, covering their mouth in the process.

Before he could get to biting, Tenten's voice hissed in his ear. "We've got trouble. Some of those bandits you washed overboard with that water _jutsu_ of yours are around. "

Kurt's blood ran cold at those words. Inside, Sakura stirred, as she sometimes did when she had a bad dream. This probably counted.

When Tenten was sure he wasn't about to scream, she released his mouth. "How many and how far away?" Kurt whispered.

"Too many and too close," Tenten said.

"Can't you just take them on?" Kurt asked.

Tenten gave him a withering look. "You must have me mistaken for my teammates. I'm good, but I'm not _that_ good."

"How about if all four of us took them on?"

Tenten made a sound of disgust.

"What?"

"You were too busy doing your _jutsu_ to pay attention, but that Yamanaka girl isn't that good, and Hinata is nothing like her cousin."

"Point," Kurt conceded. "Plus I'm no great shakes at _taijutsu_ myself."

"I kinda guessed that," Tenten said dryly.

"So I take it we run?" Kurt said.

"We run," Tenten confirmed. "You wouldn't happen to have anything to help us with that, do you?"

"_Makibishi_, smoke bombs and incendiaries sound useful?"

"They'll do," Tenten nodded. "Help me wake up the others. _Quietly_."

Quickly stuffing his papers and stuff back into their pouch, Kurt went to rouse Ino by default, since Tenten was already working on Hinata. Nudging her shoulder, Kurt felt a flash of irritation she didn't stir. Thankfully, she wasn't snoring, so the bandits couldn't hear her.

Kurt nudged her harder, then had a flash of panic as she _did_ start to snore. Quickly, he clamped his hand over her face, muffling the sound.

_That_ woke her up. The snores died as she opened her eyes. Kurt opened his mouth to explain the situation, but the next thing he knew, his head was ringing and his cheek stinging as her slap connected with his face. Inside, Sakura was jerked awake by the impact, murmuring a sleepy _what?_ as she roused.

"Pervert!" Ino growled, a _kunai_ in hand. "You tried to take advantage of me while I was asleep!"

Wincing, Kurt rubbed their sore face. "Tenten-san, could you _please_ explain the situation to her? Somehow, I don't think she'll listen to me."

Nursing their injury while Tenten quickly explained the problem to the other two girls, Kurt wondered if _all_ anime females were this pervert-trigger-happy. That slap had _hurt_!

Kurt darkly wondered if the bandits would leave them alone if they gave them the Yamanaka girl…

----------------------------------------

The four ran through the rain, trying to be as quiet as they could. Tenten led the way, somehow becoming unofficial leader because of her seniority. She was followed by Hinata and Ino. Bringing up the rear was Kurt, who kept looking nervously over their shoulder, trying to watch out for bandits. He really hoped none of them would remember he was the one who'd been blasting them with the _jutsu_. Inside, Sakura was worrying and reviewing their stock of _jutsus_, chakra and gear in case they had to fight– and knowing their luck, they'd probably have to.

As rain fell on their face, Kurt wished he'd thought to buy a pair of goggles to kept the rain off. He'd taken the liberty of tying back their hair in a tail to keep the strands from sticking and distracting them, over Tenten's protests that it could get them killed in a fight (to which he'd countered that Ino did it and considering how lousy he was at _taijutsu_– compared to the other boys and locals, anyway– he'd probably be dead long before he'd have to worry about someone grabbing him by their hair), but the water was pretty distracting.

As all of them tried to make as little noise as possible, Kurt kept a 'feel' out for bandits. It had somehow come up that he had better chakra senses than anyone else when he'd commented they better stay away from a certain area because he'd felt bandits there. That had earned him looks, since said area was about thirty feet away. At first he hadn't seen what the problem was, since he'd always assumed everyone could sense chakra that good and had taken it for granted. It turned out not to be the case. So here he was, acting as the group's chakra 'radar' while Hinata kept an eye out with her Byakugan.

As they ran, Ino looked over her shoulder and glared at them, causing Sakura to mentally grind her teeth and Kurt to sigh. No matter how many times he'd protested to the contrary, Ino wouldn't believe that he wasn't leering at her rear. And he wasn't. Was it _his_ fault that Tenten had told Hinata to stay close to her so that she'd know when the Hyuuga 'saw' something? _Nnnoooo_. Blame it on Ino for not having any useful skills for the scenario.

He rolled his eyes at her, and she sniffed, muttering about perverts under her breath as she turned back ahead. Kurt was very tempted to bite her.

_You bite?_ Sakura said, amused.

He grinned slightly. _Yeah. It's one of my more childish impulses. I feel very tempted to bite people who annoy me._

_What are you, part Inuzuka?_ Sakura laughed.

Kurt rolled his eyes internally, keeping an eye out despite Hinata. _You have no idea how many times people have said something like that to me._

Up ahead, Tenten raised her hand, signaling for a break. The three bringing of them bringing up the rear immediately stopped, doubling over huffing and puffing. Healthy as Sakura's body was– healthier than his natural body, anyway– Tenten's pace still left it– and him– breathing hard, although both he and Sakura were glad to see that Ino was breathing harder than they were.

Gesturing for silence, Tenten pointed at something on the ground. Kurt craned their head to look. What were clearly footprints were visible in the mud. Even Kurt, who'd only taken a twenty minute crash course on tracking with Iruka, could tell they were fresh.

A chill ran down their spine as Kurt and Sakura looked, and he extended his chakra senses as far out as he could, but thankfully didn't feel anything but the four of them nearby.

Unfortunately, most traps don't have chakra.

Ino shifted her feet a little, and there was an audible 'twang'.

"LOOK OUT!" Tenten yelled, before things went down the road of good intentions in a hand-basket…

----------------------------------------

Later (he and Sakura had lost track of time in the confusion), Kurt leaned against the trunk of a tree, trying to catch their breath as silently as possible, keep their footing on the wet, mossy branch, and watch out for bandits all at the same time.

_Now I know why Kakashi and Gai are nuts_, Kurt internalled.

_Why?_ Sakura replied.

_If going on lots of missions like these is the reason they're so powerful, it's no wonder they snapped._

Sakura chuckled weakly at his joke, and he smiled. Although anyone would say he was insane for having a voice in his head, at least it helped now. He was able to lift his spirits up a little with jokes, and if Sakura found them funny, they'd lift _her_ spirits up, which would lift _his_ spirits up, so he'd come up with better jokes to lift _her_ spirits up...

Let's stop there.

After Ino had inadvertently activated the trap, things had gotten, to put it mildly, confused. They gotten into an argument (actually, Tenten and Ino) of whether they should run or fight, an argument that became moot when the bandits caught them. They'd tried to make a stand, but the numbers of their opponents, their lack of both experience fighting together and knowledge of each other's capabilities, not to mention Ino's distracting complaining, had caused them to become separated, and it had quickly become a case of every girl (and in _his_ case, boy-in-girl) for herself.

Kurt had been liberal with the mini-_kibaku fuda_, _senbon_, _shuriken_ and eventually bombs. Although initially reluctant to use the certainly fatal explosives, he'd eventually run out of options, utilizing them to clear path for escape, and hoping he'd only crippled people and not killed them.

He hadn't seen any of the (other) girls (not that he'd really looked that hard), and had quickly been preoccupied by pursuit. It seemed the bandits had taken exception to being blasted or thrown off the bridge, and wanted to take their frustrations out on them. Some had even recognized _him_ as the one responsible for the _jutsu_, and were pretty ticked about it. After a lot of _makibishi_ though, he'd eventually managed to ditch his pursuers using the _Kakuremino no jutsu_ (one of the thermal blankets had sufficed).

Now what?

_Now what do we do?_ Kurt asked the obvious as they climbed and jumped– carefully– as high up the tree as they were willing to dare.

Sakura didn't bother with the 'why are you asking me?' game. They both knew they were trying to think of what to do next. He was just making conversation, trying to make things feel normal.

She settled for playing by the rules of the 'conversation' game. _I suppose our best bet is to keep heading towards the bridge and try not to run into any more bandits._

Kurt nodded, wishing they had a hat or cap on. Their long hair was tied back enough to keep it from their eyes, but that didn't stop the water from getting annoying. He had to blink them constantly, wiping the excess moisture that didn't take the hint off their face. Yup, goggles were _definitely_ a good idea. _I think we better keep to the trees. Those bandits don't seem able to reach that high, although that would put us in danger of slipping and falling to our dea-_

He cut off as he squinted their eyes, staring into the dark. He thought he saw…

Abruptly he and Sakura both groaned, but only one of them had the satisfaction of being able to drop their face into their palm in exasperation.

_She didn't…_ Sakura groused. _Not even she'd be that stupid and careless…_

"Apparently, she did and she was," Kurt muttered, wiping their face again. He took a quick inventory of their gear, wincing at the thought of so many gone, even though it was a relatively small amount. Pack rat mentality.

Sighing, he listened as much as he could over the sound of the rain, extending their chakra senses as far as they would go, before finally climbing down and walking towards where they had seen the flash of yellow and purple…

Bloody, frickin' village unity…

----------------------------------------

Yamanaka Ino growled as she vainly tried to pull her leg out from under the tree that had fallen on it. Why was she the one who was unlucky enough to set off all the traps this evening? What? Did fate have it in for her or something? Was it jealous of her good looks? What? Did it hate her or something? The only thing worse that could happen would be if the pervert-

"Need a hand?" a once familiar voice said somewhere to her left.

She directed a glare that way. Speak of the devil…

The pervert in Sakura's body was standing to one side, looking very unattractive, soaked to the skin as she was and with her hair pulled back like that. Ino conveniently overlooked the fact that it was a variation of her own hairstyle. "Stay where you are, pervert!" she said, pointing at her.

The pervert raised an eyebrow. "If I do that, I wouldn't be able to help you," she said, sounding annoyed, as Ino figured she'd be. Well, Ino wasn't going to let her get away with what she probably had in mind.

"Don't give me that," the blonde said. "You're here because you're going to take advantage of the fact that my foot's stuck to molest and do all sorts of unspeakable, perverted things to an innocent young girl like me."

The pervert shrugged. "Fine them. Well, so long. You obviously don't need me," she said, already turned around and waving good bye as she spoke.

Ino blinked. "Hey, wait!" she tried to yell as quietly as she could. "Where are you going?"

The pervert looked over her shoulder. "Leaving. Have fun being– how did you put it?– being 'molested and having all sorts of unspeakable, perverted things' done to you by the bandits!"

"You're going to leave me to that?" Ino cried– quietly– not realizing 'til then that maybe beautiful wasn't such a good thing in that situation.

The pervert shrugged. "Well, you're the one telling us to leave…"

"Get me out of here!" Ino said, trying to stay quiet, even though she thought she was a _tad_ loud that time.

Apparently, the pervert thought she'd been loud to. Moving quickly but quietly, not bothering with any more snide comments, she rushed towards where Ino's foot was stuck. She grimaced. "How'd you get stuck like this, anyway?" she asked as she started trying to tug Ino's foot out from under the tree trunk.

"Ouch!" Ino yelled. Quietly, of course. "Don't you think I already _tried_ that? And if you must know, a trap went off."

The pervert thankfully stopped pulling on her leg and stepped back, looking at the situation with a critical eye. "You're either very lucky, or… okay, there's no 'or', you're very lucky."

Ino's leg was caught in a hollow between the two tree trunks. A little bit less clearance either way, and she'd be looking at a crushed ankle. _Very_ lucky.

Reaching into one of the pouches, the pervert handed her a dark brown ball. Ino recognized it as a bomb. Fortunately all such weapons were water proof. "Here," the pervert said, as she handed it to her. "If a bandit pops up, throw it at him or drop it and kill us, whichever you want. Just don't tell me which, okay?"

So saying, the pervert started trying to roll the log off of Ino's leg.

"Huh?" Ino said intelligently.

The pervert grunted as she tried to find the optimum position to trying pushing the log off. "I think we'll both prefer death to whatever the bandits do to us. I don't know about you, but _we're_ not deluded enough to think we have a snowball's chance against the Kyuubi."

Taking a deep breath, the pervert started to push, her feet sleeping on the wet ground, sliding back as they did so. The position was made more awkward by the fact that the pervert couldn't get a good grip on the trunk of wood.

Ino blinked at that, before smirking. "Then you're a weakling, then. Even Hinata must be stronger than you."

"Hinata's a Hyuuga," the pervert said, not bothering to look at her. "Of course she's stronger than me."

Grimacing, the pervert jumped over Ino, landing on the other side of the log. Moving towards one end, the pervert gripped the few limbs jutting and started pulling, as if she could make the trunk roll that way.

Ino glared at her, not having anything to say to that.

After much pulling, grunting and slipping, the pervert finally conceded that way wasn't going to work either. Growling in frustration now– the pervert, not Ino– she walked off a little ways and picked a thick piece of fallen branch that was almost as tall as she was. Jamming it between the logs, the pervert braced her feet and pulled.

She nearly went flying as the branch snapped, and Ino fended the pieces away from her leg as the pervert fell into the mud.

"Ouch," the pervert muttered.

Ino glared down at her. "Any _more_ bright ideas, pervert?"

She heard the pervert muttering something, although all she could make out was the words for clouds. "What was that?"

"I said stand back and stay still!" the pervert said, turning around and doing a succession of hand-seals. A flickering glow began to emanate from her hand as a sound slowly began to rise. It was like a crackling, one Ino tried to place, with no success.

The pervert was looking at her hand critically. "Well, it's bastardized, but it _should_ work…" she muttered. "Cover your face and get back!"

Wondering how she was supposed to do the latter, Ino covered her perfect features– in her opinion, anyway– and moved it as far away from her leg as she could. A few seconds later, the high pitched sound rose to a peak, followed by a cry of "_Raikiri!_". Immediately afterwards, there was the sound of wood being pulverized. She could feel a strong static field close to her leg for a split second as the wood around it seemed to disappear. Quickly, she pulled her leg, feeling it come loose from where it had been trapped, more out of instinct than anything else.

Risking a look back, she saw that the log, now cracked and splintery in a lot of places, collapsing on the spot where her leg had been. The pervert in Sakura's body stood close by, the crackling, lightning-like glow around her hand fading. Breathing heavily, the pervert lowered the now-shaking hand to her side, and turned towards her. "You alright?" she said, sounding winded.

Ino tested her foot. It was in perfect working order. "Yeah, I'm fine," she said, then glared. "Hope you're not expecting a kiss. I'm reserving _those_ for Sasuke-kun!"

The pervert seemed to shudder. "Like I'd _want _one," she said.

Ino glared further, and slammed her foot down with the intention of stomping her way towards the strawberry-blonde when her foot slipped, causing her ankle to twist in the mud just as she put her full weight– and then some– on it.

Her cry of pain echoed through the trees.

----------------------------------------

Kurt slapped their hand over Ino's mouth, already braced for the bite he knew would follow, head turning in all directions as he watched out for bandits. No _way_ anyone wouldn't hear _that!_

He winced as her teeth bit down, but didn't cry out, for all the world it felt like their hand was being crushed in a vice. A _sharp_ vice. Instead, he glared at her. "Stop being an idiot!" he hissed. "Someone _heard_ that! We've got to get you out of here! Look, we'll take out our hand if you promise not to scream and bring all the bandits around on our heads, alright?"

She glared at them, but loosened her death-grip on their hand. Kurt decided to take that as a yes.

_Remember to get vaccinated when we get back,_ Sakura advised. _She's probably carrying rabies or something._

_If she were, I don't think getting a shot will do any good at this point,_ he said, grimacing internally at the state of their hand. The little minx had drawn blood!

Ino, for her part, looked to still be in pain. When Kurt touched her ankle, there was a barely choked down cry. "I think you sprained it," he said, familiar with the injury. "It won't be a good idea for you to get on your feet for a while."

As he said this, the sounds of approaching people were heard. Frowning, Kurt and Sakura concentrated, feeling chakra coming their way. A chill went up their shared spine. The bandits had been nearer than they thought. "We have incoming."

Ino paled. "You're not going to **leave** me here, are you?" she somehow managed to combine hissing and shrieking.

"We're very tempted to," Kurt muttered audibly, waving their injured hand in front of Ino's face. The blonde went paler.

_You know, we could do it…_ Sakura suggested evilly. _No one else would know…_

_Don't tempt me any more than I already am,_ Kurt said.

Sighing, Kurt picked up the blonde, who immediately started protesting. "Hey, what do you think you're–!"

Suddenly, Ino found her personal space invaded as Kurt pushed their face towards hers. "Look, we're already going out of my way to help you. Sakura has been suggesting we leave you behind and make a clean getaway. I'm very tempted to do as she says. So shut up and don't give me any reason to, got it?" he hissed.

Not waiting for an answer, Kurt got a better grip on Ino, very thankful for Sakura's shinobi conditioning, and with a little difficulty, took to the trees.

----------------------------------------

Ino tried to keep her mouth shut, tried to keep as still as possible as the pervert carried her through the trees. He threatened to stuff her _hitae-ate_ in her mouth if she made so much as a peep, and while she really didn't think he was _too_ serious, she didn't want to chance it. Instead, she focused on trying to listen for bandits as she'd been told. Her ankle throbbed with pain every time they moved, making things difficult.

After what seemed like hours, they finally dropped back down to ground level, and Ino found herself being unceremoniously placed on the ground, her sprained ankle prevented from falling by the pervert's grip on her calf. She was let go rather quickly and she winced as another throb of pain telegraphed itself up her leg. She barely bit back an exclamation.

The pervert collapsed against a nearby tree, limbs shaking. Drawing his knees up to his chest, he bowed his head, clutching said knees weakly. "Note to self," she heard him mutter. "Carrying a girl looks easier than it actually is… don't rub it in, Sakura-chan… she probably wasn't _that_ heavy…"

She sent yet another glare his way, but he didn't notice, to busy shaking and talking to himself– or perhaps, she thought, poor Sakura, trapped inside her own body with a pervert at the reins.

Abruptly, the shaking stopped. Raising his head, the pervert took a deep breath and let it out, than shakily got up to his feet and made his way to her on jerky legs.

Ino fumbled at her thigh holster, trying to pull out a _kunai_, but that sudden motion aggravated her leg, and it was all she could do to grit her teeth as the pain shot out again. Dimly, she realized she still held the bomb in her other hand, and wondered if she could thrown it such that she wouldn't get hurt but the pervert would be knocked senseless…

The pervert was reaching into one of the pouches at his waist. Ino 's mind raced, wondering how she could knock out the pervert without bringing bandits down on her head and killing Sakura. She was still in there, after all…

A rolled bundle of bandages came out. "Take off your sandals," the pervert said tiredly but firmly, his tone and the line of his mouth brooking no argument. "We have to get your ankle supported or else it might get worse. No, correction, or else it's going to hurt like crazy."

Crouching down next to her, he reached for her ankle, but she jerked it back, although at the price of her feeling like it was on fire. She hissed. He sighed tiredly.

"Look you can be stupid all you want, but do it on your own time," he said, grabbing her leg– gently– and starting to undo the sandal's catches. "But right now, we're in the same mess together, and much as I'd like to just dump you here and save my own skin, my conscience won't let me, so you'd better get off whatever high horse you're sitting on and start helping me keep the two of us alive, you've got that?' he snarled, his tone at odds with the gentle way he was taking off her footwear. Taking the now wet bandage in hand– it was still raining– he gently began to bind her foot.

She briefly considered kicking him with her other foot, but the way she was holding her injured appendage– gently but firmly– disabused her of that notion. Maybe after he was done.

"Kick me, and I swear, I'm tying your feet together," he said, not looking up.

On second thought, maybe that wasn't such a hot idea.

He looked up, meeting her gaze. "You _were_ thinking of kicking us, weren't you?" He chuckled darkly. "You're some piece of work, girl. You were going to kick and possibly kill– I _know_ you still have that bomb I gave you– the only person who could help you get out of this alive just because he happens to be stuck inside a girl's body. _MAN_, you're some piece of work!"

His voice dropped down, muttering something in a language she didn't recognize, although from the tone, it probably wasn't complementary. Unconsciously, her grip tightened on the bomb.

Wrapping the last length of the bandage around her ankle, he secured the fabric and gently started to fit her sandal over it. "Set that off, and we _both_ die."

Glaring at him one last time, Ino sulkily stuck the bomb into her hip pouch, wondering if he was going to ask for it back. For a long while, they just sat there in the mud, rain dripping all over them as the pervert fit her sandal over her foot, and her bearing it in stony silence. Only one person noticed something was really wrong with that picture.

----------------------------------------

Sakura boggled. Tried to rub her eyes and remembered she didn't have voluntary muscle control any more. Boggled some more.

Finally, she said, _This is the longest I've ever seen Ino quiet._

_Really?_ Kurt said, not really interested, still braced for whatever attack Ino decided to make on their person as he just about finished putting the sandal back on. _Hmm. Imagine that._

_Are you paying attention to me?_ Sakura demanded, a bit put off at being ignored by someone in her own head.

_Not really,_ Kurt answered honestly. _I'm kind of waiting to get hurt here._

_Well, you can stop,_ Sakura said. _Ino likes to put speech before violence. If she's not talking, she's not going to do anything else._

_You won't mind if I take measures just in case?_ Kurt said, making one final adjustment before letting go of the sandal and bracing them to be hit anywhere. He couldn't cover all points, but at least their face, chest and… down there… would be covered if necessary.

They waited. Nothing happened.

Tentatively, Kurt opened their other eye–he'd closed one in case she _did_ get a face shot in– watching the Yamanaka girl. She was still sitting there in the mud, her arms crossed, glaring at him– them, really, but he knew it was meant for him– glaring while seated in the mud. Well, at least she wasn't kicking or making noise.

Cautiously, he stood up, futilely trying to wipe the mud off their clothes, a useless gesture at best, incriminating for the wrong reasons at worst. Ceasing that, he crossed their arms. "So, do you think you can stand, or do you have to be picked up again?" he said, hoping for the former. For someone so light, she sure got pretty heavy.

It turned out she _could_ stand. But the way she was putting all her weight on them, they might as well have carried her anyway.

----------------------------------------

"Okay, we need a break," Kurt said as the tell-tale shaking in their arms rose to such a level that they couldn't be ignored any more. Dropping back down to ground level after a cursory visual and chakra sweep, he put down Ino as gently as he could beneath a tree and collapsed onto the ground, waiting for the shaking and aching to subside.

"You just _had_ a break," Ino hissed, arms crossed in front of her chest in annoyance.

"You try carrying someone for long and see how _you_ like it!" Kurt snapped back quietly.

Ino sniffed. "You're so weak! I'm sure my Sasuke-kun could carry me longer without any problem!"

Kurt rolled his eyes, ignoring the responses Sakura wanted him to throw at Ino, most of it involving the incendiary and edged objects in the pouches. "**Of course** he could! Sasuke is a guy and thus has more muscle mass and upper body strength than a girl with as much or less training- and Sakura definitely has 'less'."

"Hah! I knew Sakura was a weakling!" Ino declared.

"She could still beat _you_ senseless," Kurt said, standing up for his host and himself. It was technically his body too, after all, even if he was a 'he'. "You're too light to have any actual muscle on you. Man, what do you eat, grass and air?"

"At least I'm not a pig like you," Ino sniffed.

"Are you talking to _me_, or Sakura?" was the dry reply. Ino's only response was to shake, rubbing her shoulders for warmth and glaring at them.

_Man, it's cold, _Sakura said suddenly.

_Well, it **is** raining and we **are** soaked to the skin,_ Kurt pointed out.

_We need to stay warm, or else we might get hypothermia or something!_

Pause.

_This isn't one of those times when someone suggests we cuddle up to exchange body heat, is it? Because I'm fairly certain she'd stab me,_ Kurt said.

_LIKE I'D **WANT** TO DO THAT WITH INO-PIG!_

_Okay, just checking…_

Blink, and Kurt strained his ears, listening. _What was that…?_

A second later, something he'd been too distract to notice while talking to Ino and Sakura finally hit Kurt's chakra senses, and the boy-in-girl scrambled to his feet, hands darting for _kunai_ as he moved to stand in front of Ino. A second after _that_, he wondered what the heck he was doing…

They were bandits, and they were armed, much to Kurt's trepidation. The three were wearing bandoliers, fishnets and bandanas, obviously more ill equipped to deal with the water and cold than the kunoichi were. They were, however, better armed. One carried a length of chain, another carried a sickle and the last carried an honest to goodness _katana_!

"HEY! It's the bitch that threw us into the water!" the one with the sickle said, gesturing towards Kurt and Sakura. Luck seemed to be enjoying hitting them on the head with bad.

"Oh, frick…" Kurt muttered, jaw clenched tightly, hands shaking in more than cold as he held the _kunai_ tightly, eyeing the three in front of him as they moved to flank him and Ino. "A little help here?" he hissed towards the girl behind him. "Please…?"

Not waiting for a reply, or for there to be more opponent-to-opponent banter, Kurt threw one of his _kunai_ at the bandits, before making some quick seals. "Kage Bunshin!"

At least fifteen shadow clones appeared around Kurt, surrounding them and providing cover. They charged the bandits, brandishing their _kunai_ as Kurt reached into his pouch, pulling out bombs by the handful. "Fire in the hole," he said, merely because he'd always wanted to say it, before lobbing the bombs over handed at the bandits. It missed, not hitting them directly, but managing to stun the bandits and taking out the majority of the shadow clones.

Repeating the technique, he had them swarm the bandits, while he took potshots at them with shuriken, drawing blood.

The one with the katana, while not exactly a master swordsman, obviously had experience using his weapon. His wide slashes would take down at least on clone every sweep. The other two weren't doing so badly either.

Deciding to change tactics, Kurt made a fresh batch of clones and directed them to dog-pile the bandits, having them latch on to their arms and legs.

It was the chain wielder who fell first. Kurt and three of the clones kicked him on the head, knocking him out and probably giving him a concussion. He fell like a ton of bricks.

The tactic wasn't working on the others, however. Their edged weapons were more effective at taking down the shadow clones.

Making a quick succession of seals, Kurt gathered chakra to his hand, forming a crackling filed of lightning. Charging at the sickle wielder, he ducked under the attempted decapitation, loosing the last of his clones swarming the guy. Punching the bastardized _Raikiri_ into the ground, he was rewarded with an explosion of dirt, the force knocking his target back and into the air. Quickly changing the punch into a handstand, he kicked upward, hitting the guy in the groin and the stomach and knocking him against a tree.

Flipping back to his feet, Kurt sent a rapid-fire barrage of punches, knocking the guy back. Narrowly getting missed by the sickle, Kurt threw a _kunai_ into the guy's leg.

It was only a tickle in his chakra sense that warned him to dodge to the side, yet even that wasn't enough as a burning pain suddenly drew fire along Kurt's side, eliciting a cry of pain from Sakura and a barely stifled outburst from Kurt. Dodging away, he turned to face both bandits, trying to ignore the injury on his side. The sickle wielder was pulling the _kunai _out of his leg, grimacing while the other advanced, sword drawn and ready. There were no signs of shadow clones.

_Get us out of here!_ Sakura yelled as she panicked, and Kurt began doing seals, drawing it out and waiting for them to attack.

The bandit charged, stabbing, and piercing their chest. There was a puff of smoke, and suddenly, his weapon was imbedded into a log. They appeared behind the sickle wielder and tried to kick him on the back of the head, but the bandit managed to doge, and they were barely able to avoid the farming implement, only to be back-handed unexpectedly and getting knocked into the nearest tree, stunning them.

_Ow…_ he and Sakura chorused.

The bandit loomed over them as they struggled to move, but a kick to the midsection promptly made them loose their breath, their equilibrium and nearly what was left of the contents of their stomach. Raising the sickle to finish the job, the bandit was suddenly unable to do so as a katana blossomed in his chest. With a wet gurgle, he fell over, thankfully completely dead.

_Ino_, Sakura whispered, and Kurt looked over towards where they'd left the blonde girl, who was now slumped bonelessly against her tree, a glazed look in her eyes and her hand still in a position resembling some kind of window.

The last bandit looked down on them. "You okay?" he said, and the concern in the voice was obvious.

Coughing, Kurt nodded, getting slowly back to his feet and settling their guts as best as he could. Taking a few experimental punches, he said, "Turn that thing around and get out of it."

Ino twisted the bandit's face, but complied. When the bandit began to move in confusion, Kurt took that to mean Ino was out and landed a series of solid blow to the back of his head, knocking him out.

Panting and trying not to throw up–the sudden exertion had messed up their stomach again– Kurt dragged themselves towards were Ino lay. "Thanks," he said, collapsing down next to her and hunching over their stomach.

Ino looked at them sideways, lips pursed. "You're welcome."

The two fell silent, just sitting there in the rain…

----------------------------------------

In the end, they had to move again. Recovering the sickle and katana, the former securely in Ino's grip and the latter in a sheath taken from the bandit and tucked into the belt pouch in Kurt's back, they headed for the general direction of the bridge.

----------------------------------------

– **To be continued...**

----------------------------------------

A/N: If I got the details of drowning and mouth to mouth resuscitation wrong, my bad, but I don't have time for non-anime research.

They can pull off the _Tajuu Kage Bunshin_ because of very good chakra control. Cheap evasion, I know, and a bit late, but better late than never.

This is an AU world, since everyone knows everyone, even though the chuunin exams haven't started yet, for reasons related to Sakura being an orphan. Just have to think of what those could be...

Oh yeah! Sakura's parents died, and since they were popular, a lot of people were at the funeral, even the Hyuugas. That's where Sakura met everyone, and everyone met everyone else. This was pre-massacre, so Sasuke was still in a meeting people mood.

Please review, C&C welcome. Tell your friends, put this in your favorites list, C2, please, I'm hungry for response on this fic!

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


End file.
